First boyfriend, together for 5 years,is breaking up right?
We have always had a very good relationship, though I do feel that I can't fully express who I am (I'm an artist and I'm definitely "weird" in comparison to most people). We have absolutely opposite personality types, but it does seem to work. He is very logical and a computer science major, and I'm a mystic with a love for spontaneity. He's very opinionated and hard-headed, while I'm more open and positive. We met shortly after I turned 18 and moved to college, and have lived together pretty much ever since.
I'm going to study art in Italy for 4 months starting at the end of January. This decision was not based on our relationship, but my intense desire to see everything possible. He shares a love of travel, but not the spontaneous, passionate desire for strange places like I do. I can't imagine carrying feelings of doubt about our relationship overseas.
I have been thinking for a long time that our relationship and interactions don't feel exactly right. I feel like there's something lacking, and it's probably myself. I don't know myself because so much of my personality is derived from his. He taught me so much about life. Though lately, I've wanted to be out without him, and I have thoughts about other guys. I don't want to be domesticated, and I don't want to wake up in a few years and regret not trying other things. That's a huge fear of mine. I don't want to marry him after all these years, and I feel like maybe that's a sign?
We decided to break up last night when I told him these things (everything except the part about having feelings about others), we even talked about who would get what (between tears). He is gone today and tonight. I have cried all day and I literally feel like I'm dying. I can't focus on anything. How would I even live a life without him? I have to have him help me to break up with him... I know I should learn who I am, but I also feel like I'm making a terrible mistake by giving up someone who loves me unconditionally and deserves all the trust and love in the world. Am I doing the right thing? Will I regret this??