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Would you read this story? Please give me as much criticism as possible?

The main part of my story is, my mc sees his best friend killed by a wraith(a person brought back from the dead to have vengeance). In a struggle near a lake, the place where the best friend is killed, the wraith takes the 2 teens into the water. Attempting to drown the two, the MC somehow is able to fight against the wraith. The wraith decides to let the MC go, and uses his super strength to throw the MC out the lake.

A few days later, the MC wakes up in the hospital, doctors/policemen/ various parents, explain that he was found at the murder scene of his friend. How he is going to be put in front of a judge and meet his fate, etc.

He is released a short time between trials, and he goes to the lake again. The wraith comes again but the MC is saved by a ghost named Silas. Silas promises to protect the MC for various reasons( you dont need to know).

The MC is sent to juvie, only to find out his cellmate is a werewolf(Alex) tat commited multiple murders and arson; however, Alex was not in human/rational form when commiting these crimes.

With the help of Alex and Silas( who possessed the MC and now holds a place in the MC's mind) they escape juvie. Now the MC/Silas and Alex are trying to find the wraith to free the MC dead friend's soul, and for Alex to drink the blood of the wraith( they learn the blood of a wraith will let alex have control of himself during the full moon.

*im still trying to work things out. Please give me sophisticated criticism. I know im typing in text talk, but im using my phone and its hard to type with it. Lots of criticism please. Dont make me beg. Thxs*


Srry. The MC is a caulbearer. In mythology, caulbearers were protected from drowning/ foretold to have so sort of luck or a fortune of greatness. So that explains how MC could fight against the wraith in the water, with no possiblity to drown, its a more even fight.

I could change it so Alex meets MC in a minor way before going to Juvie. Alex could go to the lake and use his werewolf senses,discovering the wraith.

B.Q. 1: How about I have werewolves and wraiths being mortal enemies(similar to werewolves vs vampires)?

B.Q. 2: I think i could have caulbearers have multiple powers; See the supernatural, able to turn a human into a supernatural being by long time exposure of the caulbearers' energy,etc. What do you think and give me some other powers they could have.

B.Q. 3: I want more than one caulbearer, should I have MC's father being a caulbearer, so that his father could somehow tell him of his future destiny or should I leave it out and just have Silas be a sort of older brother tha

2 Answers

  • 10 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    It sounds like it could be developed into a sound story. I'd worry that is is awful convenient that his roomie is a shapeshifter. How common are supernatural creatures in this world? First a wraith, then a ghost now a werewolf? Is it something special about the MC because if so then it isn't coincidence that he had enough strenght to escape both the wraith and juvie. And from what I understand of most juvenile detention facilities there aren't always cells but wards. They'd be more roommates and probably with about two or three other guys.

    It's convinient that Alex just happens to be the MC's roommate and needs a wraithe's blood and the MC was attacked by a wraithe. Maybe Alex can read about what happened to the MC in the news and went to check out the lake himself and felt the energy and decided to help MC/Silas get out of Juvie. Of course a visit or two might be in order first. Or perhaps not. Maybe the wraithe comes after Alex while he's at the lake so he needs to find the MC so together they can trap the wraithe and Alex can get the blood. Alex figures if the MC survived one attack why not another.

  • Gore
    Lv 4
    10 years ago

    I didn't really like the story too much, it was pretty boring and poorly written. Honestly I've read better work from my three year old cousin who is mentally retarded. It would help if you had an Obama-like character in the story. I really like Obama, he's kind of a personal hero of mine.

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