Please came and see my story. What is it like?

Shadowlings

By, K.M. Robin

Chapter One: Engulf in Blacken Flames…

As a baby’s cry lost in flames that burned to dust. The smell of rusted iron, burnt wood, and rooting blood hung in the air. Flames of crimson red, amber yellow, and apricot orange danced in a circle with heated anger and fury. Splatters of blood-wet and new, dry and old-could be seen all around. But in the middle of it all was…

…me. Curled tightly in a small ball.

My clothes were tattered and worn with blood stains that were already crisped and dry. My legs and arms were covered in smudges of dirt and mud, which were mostly dry and peeling quickly off. My hair which once was a magnificent midnight reaching to the ground was now knotted and muddy replaced by a dull black and cracked lips that were dry and had a small stain of dry blood. My knuckles were bloody white showing deep, light scars with blue lined veins. Tears weld over my once sepia colored eyes that were now a mucky brown blurred everything I saw in vain.

A hand went to wipe them away, turning to a stale dirty black. My nose sniffled. A voice entered my thoughts that sound like that of a child’s but had a little chill in it. Four little words was all it was-

“I love you…Moriko.” A thin lined smile appeared on my lips.

My eyes narrowed and closed tightly. They opened and looked up when I heard faint footsteps. Suddenly, a man walked through the fire, slowly creeping towards me. He had rusty red hair with orange streak hanging down to his waist, looking like it was part of the flames. The man wasn’t wearing any shirt, leaving his chest bear. A slender but lingering cut was covering his chest, from the left shoulder to the lower right of his waist. My eyes narrower again and a bitter taste entered quickly in my mouth leaving as quickly.

He had long black pants that opened really big at the bottom and a white sash tied around his waist. A long and slender wooden sword extended form his left hand, dry blood stained all the way to the hilt. But nothing in the right. Nine long tails, red as shining rubes and snow white tips, flicked in the air like wipes behind him. And had identical colored ears on his head. The closer he got, I saw that he had the same rusted colored eyes that had a hungry animal instinct in them. A small nose with a burn over it.

He smiled opening his mouth as if to say something but nothing came out. I noticed that he had small shape fangs like that of a canine’s. My heart pounded more quickly and the cause of that – he was now strait in front of me. The man bended down on one knee and we were facing face to face. Now this time, his eyes narrowed, with now a sad, sweet smile on his lips. We stared into each other eyes.

His were like an old book; unreadable and dangerous to touch.

And he could probably see in mine – filled with distrust, sadness… in lost.

My heart pounded even faster now that the man’s right hand stuck out in front of me. The figures curled quickly up wands and down. Motioning me to take it, like a promise to a snake not to eat you that are its prey. Now standing, hands on hips, the sword gone, he sighed-

“Are you going you take it or not?” He said in a deep and rich voice but with a hint of impenitence in it making me flinch back a little. “Don’t worry.” He inched forward and I scouted back with each step he took. “I won’t bite. I promise, trust me.” Now a sweet smile was on his lips. “Moriko.”

My face drained of all its color and wonder how… how this man knew my name, my new name. I didn’t even know him! My heart clenched in a mysterious pain; my eyes widen. Staring. Now the hand beckoned me to take it faster. I hesitated of course, wondering if I should even trust this complete stranger, who came out of nowhere and even knew my new name. I stood slowly up, lifting my hand laggardly, and then smacking his away.

I made a break for it. But only a few feet away from the man; I fell and my legs felt like lead. All he did was walk behind me. Bend down. Put his arms around me, scooping me up in his arm like a Raggedy Ann Doll. Tears now stung my eyes, my face darken in a scarlet red. Upon seeing this, the man grinned and snickered.

My dull black hair covered my eyes and I started to frigate, "H-How do you-you k-know my na-name?" My voice scratchily came out, my throat to tight up to speak from.

"It's alright, my little crow. When we are safe you will understand everything." The man bended his face down to face mine and smiled.

'Crow... huh?' I thought, 'What does he mean by that?' but right then and there, my mind started to spin. Sending my thoughts to nowhere and to put my hands on my head. I moaned in pain of my headache.

Hi everyone, this is part one of my story of chapter 1 revised and better now. I will put up more later when I have some time. Please go easy on me, be truthful. If you can.

7 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    9 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    I like it. It's interesting and sounds like something I'd like to read... but I do have a few suggestions for change...

    for instance.... the chapter title: Engulf in Blacken Flames. It sounds like it should really be Engulfed in Blackened Flames (just saying) it sounds a little better, more grammatically correct.

    Also, you use a little too much description sometimes. You don't want to bore the readers with too much detail, but you also don't want to little detail. It's hard to find the right level of it, but after a lot of practice it's easier to do.

    Like with the first chapter of your book... you have "As a baby’s cry lost in flames that burned to dust. The smell of rusted iron, burnt wood, and rooting blood hung in the air. Flames of crimson red, amber yellow, and apricot orange danced in a circle with heated anger and fury. Splatters of blood-wet and new, dry and old-could be seen all around. But in the middle of it all was…

    …me. Curled tightly in a small ball. "

    But instead, it might be a little better like this, (for example) "As a baby's cry was lost in flames that were burning to dust, the smells of rusting iron and burning wood, along with the awful scent of blood were hanging in the air. Red orange and yellow flames seemed to be dancing in a circle of heated anger and fury. Splatters of new and old blood could be seen all around. In the middle of the horrible sight was... me, curled tightly in a small ball."

    A lot of the detail is still there, just rearranged to flow better... I could do more but I don't want to offend you.

    I do hope you don't take offense to anything I'm saying, I really do just want to help.

    And I'd be more than willing to give you more help if you'd like, my email is xoxogirl_93@yahoomail.com, you can email if you ever want someone to go over ideas or anything... I love to write as well, and I love helping other people if they want the help...

    Like I said, its really interesting and I do like it, but it could use a little editing... But I'm definitely interested in reading more.

    Source(s): personal experiences... like I said, I'm a writer as well.
  • 9 years ago

    There's such thing as a) little description and b) to much description. You have way to much description. The thing is the way you wrote your question turned me off. You have to have good grammar even in the most simplest of things. You also sort of messed up at beginning and it was like huh? Whether or not this is good or not I can't say because your wording is all weird and odd. Fix it up and it might be better. One thing I can say its a bit repetitive so there are some things you can take out and not repeat. Otherwise from the weird wording and that it's a bit mundane and cliche. Just being honest

    Source(s): Scotty McCreery <3
  • Anonymous
    5 years ago

    In 7th grade i realised i was attractes to men,and in april-may i started telling my "close" freinds. I swore to only tell one more person and they told everybody. I was of course teased and taunted by the jocks and i felt so insecure and betrayed. I tried to seem cool to the guys by hanging out with the school slut,doing drugs,trying to impress the girl saying i had sex. The school did nothing except one meetting that was nothing but brief and useless. Teachers knew,everybidy did. In i think june beggining kf july one day i went up to my mom amd told her.i really wish i could have done it more peronally and more just, not so lighthearted. It was 2 years ago and i regret that i dnt even know the date i came out.8th grade was better,and by freshman year i changed comoletly for the better. Im outgoing,genuine,and just iverall i feel so much better. I disacossiatee myself from fakes and negative ppl. I havent talked to the girl who outed me or the other girl(the slut) And it does get hard sometimes, whn my feeinds have thier bfs and i have nobidy. Also,the guys dont say anything to me anymore. The jocks know that ik most of the girls that they like amd date,so thats a plus also. Im now a sophmore and my life is amazng!! Idc who knows im gay,or what they think.

  • 9 years ago

    wow! Great discription! love how you explained everything in detail, I am writing books, I have writtin on and this is the only thing I struggle with, making a vivid picture, like a movie you can read. keep up the good work, I want to read the rest!

    Source(s): experience (Im only a teen though)
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  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    I'm neither an expert on creative writing nor the English language, but it sounds to me interesting.

    I kept reading it to find out why you (the character of the story).were in that state.

  • 9 years ago

    Amazing! I'm writing six different books and so far yours out-stands them ALL! I love everything about this! Keep on writing because you have me utterly enthralled!

    K.A.C.E./KellyEdis

  • 9 years ago

    I freakin' loved your text. Great job!

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