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Please help me improve this!!!!!?

I've written this extract,, and I'd like someone to say what they think and give ideas on how to improve it? I've written loads of times before but for some reason this doesn't sound as good compared to my other stuff....

Jamie glared at the man she had convinced herself she loved. A mean smirk slid across his face as he watched her back;an eagle awaiting for it's prey to just look away...

"Get away from me." she hissed. Thomas just looked. His blue-grey eyes were alert and shockingly sharp, and Jamie noticed that his hair was now cut short on the contrary to how it had been before: long and uncontrollable.

"Jamie, I wouldn't try anything." he said in a low voice.

"You're sick." Jamie was shaking, unable to steady her breath.

Is it any good? And if not,, how can I improve it? Thanks for any help :))

1 Answer

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  • Joanne
    Lv 5
    10 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    It's alright. I've seen worse (AKA my own writing)

    "A mean smirk slid across his face as he watched her back;an eagle awaiting for it's prey to just look away..."

    A space after the semi-colon. 'Awaiting for its prey', not 'it's'. I would take away the ellipse from this sentence. I don't mind it, it just doesn't seem right.

    "His blue-grey eyes were alert and shockingly sharp, and Jamie noticed that his hair was now cut short on the contrary to how it had been before: long and uncontrollable."

    You might want to separate this so it can flow better. I stumbled over it while reading your excerpt and had to reread it three times to fully understand it.

    Other than that, I think it's good ^_^ have fun and happy writing!

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