Anonymous asked in Society & CultureCultures & GroupsSenior Citizens · 9 years ago

Seniors, parents passing on at home or nursing home?

Did your parents pass on in a nursing facility? My father is very difficult and closing in on final stage dementia - we can afford home care, he wants to go home. he agreed to go into a home as my mother is there and he wanted to be with her- she is in her final days now and he only wants to go home - though he cannot control his bladder, cannot walk but falls frequently, refuses help, refuses shower, or clean clothes after urinating in them, - and most problematic, w/little powers of reason or memory, he wants to be the boss - [ he wants to drive the car too ] - Even though he has been a real pain over the last several years, there is still some guilt abt leaving him in a home??? Any advice welcome or stories to share??


thanks for the answers- part of the problem is that I live 12,000 miles away - but there is a crew of trained caretakers who have been in their home 24/7 for the last 3 years - we even pay one of them to continue on spending some daylight hours with them - I am going back shortly and even though my father did way less than nothing to command loyalty, I sure will feel badly lying to him or telling him he cannot go home - I have no idea how to do this or even what he will understand or remember, but he does remember that he wants to go home - and the driving is an old issue and surely not possible....

4 Answers

  • Dinah
    Lv 7
    9 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    I think there are few things as hard in life as this situation. You would go through caretaker after caretaker refusing to put up with his refusals and dealing with him wanting to drive. Even specialized Alzheimer's caretakers would burn out and apologize, leaving. The wondrous people who do specialize and work in the Alzheimer's specialty centers were not children of patients. They're that step removed, while accompanied by other specialists who understand, and with whom they can get their moments of relaxation and compassion.

    The guilt is the only guilt I know of that is understandable. We can more easily absolve other kinds of guilt by improving and changing ourselves. Dementia is as insidious as cancer, and unless we have that rare desire to be of service in the field, and take the training, we're as useless in its remediation as we would be compared to oncologists.

    My story is my mother with dementia has today been moved from the healthy wing of the nursing home to the hospice wing. None of us three daughters or the many nieces of hers could take her in. I do have one cousin who did keep her mother, my aunt, at home with dementia then hospice, and though she doesn't complain, it was excruciating and molded her personality adversely.

    I think some people are naturally built to deal with such. I'm not one.

  • Diana
    Lv 6
    9 years ago

    I can't improve upon the advice and consolation the first two answerers have given you. Just wanted to tell you that my mother, who also suffered from dementia in her last 3 years, died in a nursing facility. It was a step-down facility. She started out in independent care, then to assisted living and finally to total care. We were lucky in that mom agreed to go into the independent care. She adapted well and eventually thought of it as home. So the last two transitions were easy for all concerned. We would not have been able to care for her if she had demanded to stay in her house. We all worked and/or lived too far away. Even so, we all felt some guilt from time to time about the situation even though we knew it was the best situation for her.

    From what you have told us, your father's best interests would be served in a nursing facility. Yes, it's hard to take that step, but it's for the best. You have to have peace of mind that he is being cared for. Do what's best for him. Don't give into the guilt. That won't help your father.

  • 9 years ago

    The biggest guilt for me would be the fact that he could fall and bang his head,not be found asap,lie in his own urine and faeces. have burns to the skin, not eating properly and really not getting the monitoring and documentation because you have taken him from his now new residence where he is quite sure of his surroundings and the staff. They know his temperment and will work around all that and keep him safe. With all the problems you express he really needs 24 hour care and when it all doesn't work out you now need to up root him again and start all over again. As for driving his independence will be taken away but someones life is saved. I know it is hard but If you truly love him the guilt should not over ride his safety. Take him out for passes for dinner,drives to see fall leaves,haircuts and so much more. He doesn't need to be in there all the time. This is the only father you have keep him safe til he needs to go.

    Source(s): Geriatric Nurse
  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    My father had to be put in a nursing home cause he had a stroke and didn't know what he was doing. He passed away at 81. He was in the home for a few months. My Mother was in a nursing home for a months or so until she passed away at the age of 102. She was staying with her grand daughter but needed 24/7 care and nobody could take care of her.

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