I need some opinions on this, boyfriend & partying?

Long story short, my boyfriend & I have been dating for a little over a year now. He likes to party, however parties are NOT my scene. I have social anxiety problems when it comes to large groups of people..

Today on the phone he brought up how parties were a huge part of his life before he met me & how he's pretty much had to give them up since we started dating, & that he wants to start going to them again.

I trust my boyfriend completely & he's never given me a reason not to. I really think he's my soul-mate & that we're going to end up getting married. He thinks so too. He treats me wonderfully and I'm not afraid that he will cheat on me at all. But, for some reason, the thought of him at a party without me just doesn't sit well for some reason...

I don't want to go with him to parties because I don't fit in and I don't like them. But I also don't want him to go without me, and I alsooo don't want him to be unhappy or to hold him back from something he loves.

Any advice? This is a pretty big issue to us and we can't seem to come to any agreement. I also feel uneasy as to why he would randomly bring up that he wants to start partying again... But I feel like it has something to do with a party a little while ago that all of his friends went to & he missed out on... Help!

4 Answers

  • Favorite Answer

    I have the saaaaame EXACT problem. But I trust my boyfriend completely, one hundred percent, without a doubt (I have trust issues, and it's almost impossible to get to that point with me but he's done it), so I let him go hang out with friends, drink, whatever he wants to do. Because I know he won't do anything to hurt me.

    I think if you let him go to parties, he will greatly appreciate you for it. It's not like you can't text or call him or something to "check in" on him while you know he's at a party.

    If something DOES happen, and he cheats, it probably would have eventually happened anyway, and he wasn't worth it to begin with. But I think the fact that he asked you first how you would feel about it shows that he cares about your feelings and wants to make sure you're okay with it.

  • 9 years ago

    First of all, this isn't "randomly" -- you identified that he gave it up, you both seems to be sensitive to its importance to him, and you've nailed a possible triggering event for him.

    The way I see this, the critical step in the resolution right now lies with you. The situation "doesn't sit well for some reason." Frankly, you've allowed unsettled portions of your psyche to build a dilemma. The problem has come to a head now, and it's time to dig down and figure out "some reason".

    I strongly recommend that you continue to talk this out with him. Most of all, ask him to help you figure out what's going on. After all, who knows you better than you and he? Let him know what you told us here: it bothers you, although your ethics tell you that it shouldn't. Enlist his help in fixing the problem. I fully expect that you'll get his cooperation, since the whole goal of this is to get him back to partying without damaging his premier relationship.

    This is going to take a lot of understanding and a lot of vulnerability on both sides. Remember that the two of you are on the same side, trying to solve a problem for the health of your relationship. You'll have to be honest about some aspects of your personalities that aren't necessarily complimentary (or complementary, as you've learned already). For the purposes of this discussion, take these characteristics as givens, not something to be changed ... probably.

    Also, what work have you done on examining your social fears? In general, humans tend to like others in reasonable doses. Is it just the large crowds that get to you? Is it numbers, or density? For instance, does it bother you to be in a grocery store with 50 other shoppers, or is it only when the 50 people are in the same house? Does the noise level have anything to do with it? Can you imagine yourself there, and try changing one factor or another in your mind to see what might be the root cause? For instance, is it the ear-numbing rock music? The smell 50 bodies under substandard ventilation? Two dozen gum-chomping girls with a metric ton of make-up, only two pounds of clothing among them, and five-inch spiked heels, trying to pretend that H. Sapiens is evolved for this life?

    Good luck; you're about 92% of the way there already.

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    He's getting frustrated because you restrict his partying ways.No easy answers to this one. It's his favourite pastime and just about your least favourite one. I bet when you do go to a party you make it plain you're not having a good time as well.

    A compromise is always the best answer, with more parties for him without whining on your part, but it would involve you really making an effort to enjoy the parties you do go to as well.

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    Your wise to allow him to do as he pleases as it shows your willing to compromise in a relationship. Not everyone is capable of doing that willingly with an open heart.

    Saying that you need to be prepared at what happens at parties. Its ok to say I trust him and he wont cheat on me but temptation and alcohol make bad company! So if he isnt going to drink to excess and allow himself to be put in a vulnerable position and then apologise later for it id say good luck!


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