Anonymous asked in Social SciencePsychology · 9 years ago

Should I be polite and reply (to reject him)?

I'm at this place i my life where I would want true love - no more being with a guy out of loneliness, boredom, curiosity, or the just wanting a relationship for the sake of being in one. I would rather enjoy myself and my life than be in an "okay" or "crappy" relationship. I've been single most my life (with dating experience and few relationships under my belt) and I've always been the one people felt sorry for (which they shouldn't) or for some reason believe that "single=desperate", which is not true. I've dealt with matchmaking friends who won't take "no" for an answer (and their choice of guys have been "interesting") and listened to those women who made excuses for guys (and would tolerate their bad behavior), which in the end is not good and at this point, I don't care who I offend anymore.. I will NOT lower my ideals and standards because other people want me to. I'm sick to death of it and believe me, I've had 25 years to "loosen up", "have fun and meet new and different people. I mean business now... I've had it...

A colleague (in my grad program) recently told me she had a co-worker who was "looking for a serious girlfriend" and she told him about me and encouraged me to call him. I know she had good intentions and meant well but I was a bit offended and upset bc I'm kind of a private person. Now that she told this guy about me (w/o my knowing), his hopes might be up and I have to entertain him. The more she told me about the guy, the more I knew we were not incompatible, you just know. I can't help but feel so upset and emotional every time someone introduces me the new idea of a "new prospect". He emailed me with his picture saying he was interested in getting to know me, wanting to take me out for coffee, etc... he said if I respond back, he'll ask me out; if I don't, he'll understand. (I'm a friendly, easygoing person who likes everyone but why force it if there's no interest?) I didn't ask for this to happen but I feel like the best thing to do is to politely and respectfully reject him even though he gave me an easy way out. I just don't know what to about this: "thank you for the offer. it was very nice of you to email me. I have to be honest and say I'm not interested in meeting people right now nor do I have time due to my crazy schedule, I'm sorry. And I'm sorry if my colleague gave a different impression...."He did say "disregard this email, if you're not interested" but it's the coward's way out if I do. He did take the time to email me so...yeah... should I or just ignore it?


My colleague and I aren't even friends. I'm friendly with her but we don't spend time outside of our program nor does she know me well. He has one trait that's a dealbreaker for me, that's why I'm not giving him a chance. Can't argue with the dealbreaker. I'm not being picky to be bitchy/mean, I'm doing what feels right for me...

3 Answers

  • 9 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Your suggested response sounds very nice. Guys hate being rejected, but believe it or not, being ignored is even worse. A nice quick note would be the most polite thing if that is what you are concerned about.

  • 9 years ago

    No one can or should ever force you to do anything you don't want to do. That's really the bottom line.

    The truth of the universe is that "true love" doesn't just instantly happen. If nothing else, there is a period of weeks to months in which any couple has to overcome the "self-produced high" (caused by a heightened self-production of phenylethylamine, which triggers a constant release of norepinephrine and dopamine; this is replaced much later by oxytocin and serotonin) of being in a new relationship before the reality of things really starts to set in. Successful relationships are shaped and forged over time, and every single one requires effort and understanding on both sides. No real relationship is flawless from the start, as no human being, let alone pair of them, is completely without flaws. Romantic relationships can never happen, let alone evolve into true love, if one is not willing to take the risk of meeting someone new. I am by no means suggesting you should "settle" for someone you know to be a bad match. However, be aware that true love happens, generally, when two people are willing to put in that effort to accept each other, flaws and all, for the individuals that they are.

    That being said, perhaps the bigger issue you should look into is why you are afraid to take that initial risk. Are you often making excuses or coming up with "dealbreaker scenarios" to avoid taking that risk? Is it a fear of getting close to someone? Fear of getting hurt? Did something happen in the past such as an abusive relationship or an abusive or addict parent? Childhood trauma is the leading cause of a fear of intimacy-- and worse yet, as many of the experts will say, we, as humans, are attracted in our adult lives to what traumatized us in our childhood lives (meaning that we have a tendency to get into relationships that reenact this trauma to some extent). This does not mean that you have anything of which you should be ashamed, just that if this applies to you, you know you have something to work toward overcoming. Perhaps none of this applies to you. But if it does, look into it, as addressing those issues will ultimately lead to a more fulfilling life that can include that "true love" you crave.

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    Whats the deal breaker? im curious to know....

    The truth is that next time you should be more assertive with your friends who want to hook u up. Take charge of what you say and don't try to please people...

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