Sexual obsession help ocd?

I think i have what is called a sexual obsession. It has to do with a black guy cuckolding me. Im very ashamed of it since it makes me feel inferior. It makes me nervous and somewhat worsens my social anxiety. I think it could be related to the size of my manhood (6 inches) because im not very confident in... show more I think i have what is called a sexual obsession. It has to do with a black guy cuckolding me. Im very ashamed of it since it makes me feel inferior. It makes me nervous and somewhat worsens my social anxiety. I think it could be related to the size of my manhood (6 inches) because im not very confident in myself for that matter. I also feel its largely effected by the idea that black guys have the biggest penises.

Oddly i am aroused by it which makes me wonder whether its a fantasy of mine or if its just some sort of OCD thing? can you be aroused by a sexual obsession?
Why would i be aroused by anything that is damaging to my self esteem?
Is there anyway i can build my self esteem over this.
please serious answers only, i dont need anyone making fun of me for this.
and no im not gay but i do have hocd i think because a friend once told me that everyone at school thought i was gay and i took him serious even though he said he was joking a month ago. It still effects me to this day.
Update: im very much in love with my girlfriend and this just makes me feel down when around her. I heard of a study in which a teacher once told her class that all the blue eyed students were better than the brown eyed ones. AS a result, the blue eyed students performed better on tests and were more social, while the... show more im very much in love with my girlfriend and this just makes me feel down when around her.
I heard of a study in which a teacher once told her class that all the blue eyed students were better than the brown eyed ones. AS a result, the blue eyed students performed better on tests and were more social, while the brown eyed students had the opposite results. Could this be an example of what im experiencing but on the opposite end?
Update 2: I just want some advice. these inesecurities are eating me alive
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