Im so depressed and sad, I need serious help.?
Let's start with what happened today. I failed my driving test(CA) for the SECOND ******* TIME. I missed a day of school for this horse ******* ****, and now tomorrow, im going to look like such a jackass...Not saying im already NOT one. Im so angry and pissed at myself, Im disgusted.
Anyway, now lets get to the real stuff. I was born in 1995. My parents had an arranged marriage(That tells you a lot right there). They didn't meet each other until their wedding day. So in essence, im not even supposed to be here today(and I WISH I wasn't).
Now let's start with the real problem. I have absolutely NO Real friends. I do talk to people at school, hang out with them at lunch and snack, but I feel absolutely no real connection with anyone. It seems that a lot of people just hate me. For what? Huh? I haven't harmed ANYONE in my entire god damn life. Does my existence piss them off? Every year since 5th grade(Im in 11th now), I've always met someone that acts all friendly and nice to me, and I get an impression that maybe, just maybe, I'll FINALLY have a best friend, only, like a month later, to have these people start joining the crowd in hating on me.
Freshman year, there was this one guy who was completely new to our school district. I was his first friend at the school, and he openly admitted it. Lets fast forward to last year, and during a conversation with some other people I heard him say "Yeah, (my name) was the first friend I had here. What the hell was I thinking?" and then a couple of people around him started to laugh. I felt so depressed and sad that day. This happens just about EVERY YEAR. If you were to ask ANYONE in my "friends list" If I was one of their best friends, I probably wouldn't even be in their top 20, even though I try so hard to be nice to people, but not too nice to the point where they get annoyed. I compliment so many people, and try to help people out as much as possible. I'm not the perfect guy, I make fun of people sometimes, but only as a joke, and I make it clear that it's a joke as well.
Lets move on to "relationships". Not one time, has a girl EVER been interested in me. I feel that girls find me disgusting and putrid. Im taller than most people in my grade, and im pretty skinny, so my appearance problem factors into their hatred for me. Does anyone else know how it feels when you look around, and see so many people having close friendships, and you think about your own life and you don't even have ONE close friend? That's how im feeling right now, hell all my life.
People make fun of me at school ALL THE TIME. I know this is probably redundant on yahoo answers, and many people probably feel this way, but I feel so GOD DAMN WORTHLESS. I have absolutely NO TALENT at all in ANYTHING. If I were anyone else, even I'd want to beat the hell out of my self. Im so sick of this. People have told me countless times that "I'm useless", "I'll never amount to anything in life", "Why the hell are you even here?". I try to shake it off, but I feel like I just can't take it anymore.
Although my parents seem to love and care for me, I can tell that they regret having me. I know Im probably paranoid, but I have this lingering feeling that they regret it. They seem to have so many expectations for me, and I know I'm going to fail them, which saddens me so much, as they're seemingly the only 2 people in this world that care for me.
Im so low on confidence and self esteem. Suicide is NOT an option, because I don't plan on hurting my parents, since they're the only two people who care for me. I serve absolutely NO purpose to anyone. I'm willing to BET that people at school right now are so happy I'm not there. And I swear, I've never harmed ANYONE there. I've never insulted or mentally abused ANYONE. I just don't get why people HATE me so much. I know, people are going to tell me to suck it up, and be a man, and I agree with them. But I can't find it within me to do it, because I'm so mentally scarred right now. I have about 7 years of frustration, sadness, and depression that I've held in. I hate this depression, because there are BILLIONS of people that have it worse off than I do, and I'm sitting here, sad and depressed and sick of life, unable to do anything.
Thank you to anyone who read this, and any input that's put into my situation. I hate drama so much, but I need to let this out.