Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 9 years ago

Husband is hiding stuff from me (it's kinda long)?

He is an attorney who makes around $10,000 per month (before taxes!). I had a great job, as well, making about $6,000 per month (before taxes). After I got pregnant, he wanted me to give up my job and become a Stay-At-Home-Mom (SAHM). He was giving me $980 per month for my expenses ($520 for car payment, $120 for cell phone since we have no landline, $100 for savings, and $120 every two weeks for cash spending). I only had one year left to pay on my car, so that is paid off now. He had me withdraw my savings money to use for taxes or something, even though it's for our retirement. He continued to give me $100 towards it, but every month he yells for me to close the account. It's our only savings & it's really important for me to save money, this was part of our agreement for me to be a SAHM. I told him, if it's too much financial strain, I will happily go back to work. Every month (or more), I offer to go back to work, my mother will nanny our child for FREE. If I work again, it will all be gravy money. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a SAHM, but if our family needs me to work, I absolutely will! So anyway, back to the story. I am starting a home business, so I have a business checking & an LLC and everyday I do something to get my business started. His mother owes him over $50,000 and although she has a great job and lives for free off of her daughter, she spends her money at the pharmacy and shopping for junk and she never has any money. I found out from a little snooping that he wired her almost $500 last month (August) behind my back. We owe $85,000 on our house, $17,000 on a HELOC (Home Equity Line of Credit), around $10,000 in credit cards, plus we have bills and his car payment and lots of home repairs are needed. We haven't taken a proper vacation since 2009 (and he's stressed, he NEEDS a vacation). We want to send our son to private school and we need to save for retirement and a down payment on a new home. Now he wants me to tap into my business account so he can use it to fly to Dallas for his Law Firm (they will pay for everything up front, since it's for their Law Firm, but he thinks it will "look better" if he pays up front and has them pay him back). Problem is, if I start removing money from my business account, I will incur fees and it will mess up my accounting and taxes. My problem is, he doesn't tell me what our finances are, I have to snoop to find out, it seems like if there's $1 in the bank or in his wallet he has to spend it, he gives money to his mom behind my back when we have so many things we could use the money on, and he refuses to even talk about me going back to work! What should I do?


P.S. In case anyone is wondering, he still gives me the $120 for my cell phone (as we still have no landline), $100 per month for savings, and sporatically gives me $120 for cash every two weeks. It's not always consistant anymore on the cash, but he usually still gives it to me. And I am very appreciative of this!

Update 2:

Huh. I never thought about it that way, but yes, I do have to ask him about getting things for myself and he has told me he could never stand for me making more money than him (even though I never have!). And he is often verbally abusive, calling me a loser, etc. I have actually slapped him in the face one time because he was saying such nasty things, and the crazy part is I'm not violent, I won't even spank my son. It was probably 2008 when I slapped him. (Whoops! But it felt good at the time to slap those nasty words out of his mouth). And when my dad was sick and dying from a combination of chronic lymphocytic leukemia, pneumonia, and cryptococcal meningitis right before our wedding and I couldn't see him because I was finishing up the wedding and taking care of my dad, he texted me "See you at the wedding, a**hole." So, yeah, he can be a jerk. But I texted him back, "You didn't RSVP." I was trying to lighten the mood.

4 Answers

  • 9 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Using your money or business account is one part of the issue - you need to handle that.

    From what I see, there are some underlying issues that need to be sorted out. Why does he not tell you about the money he sends to his mom? did you stop him from doing that? I'm not saying he should do it behind your back if you told him not to do it, I'm just trying to ask. Because my husband does this. If I tell him not to do something, he takes the easy way out and hides it from me.

    About your job, does he make you feel like he wants to overpower you? do you ever feel you have to 'ask' him for some things for urself he throws around an attitude?If he does not show signs of overpowering you etc, then I think there is not much of an issue here. When we women quit our jobs and sit at home, it takes us some time to get used to that feeling. It took me 2 years! So may be you will not have this issue a few months down the line.

    EDIT: just read ur updates. Looks like your H can be a little mean somtimes but all men/women are mean to his/her spouse at some point. don't let this thought ruin your marriage. Things are ok in your marriage otherwise? I think you should get back to your job. May be it will help you feel better. Some of us women do not like to be a SAHM. Nothing bad about it, but it does not work for some of us. May be this is the case with you.Or are there deeper issues in your marriage that you are unable to point your finger on?

    Source(s): I have an issue similar to yours!
  • 9 years ago

    Here's my opinion. You need to start taking care of all the bills & get 90%-95% of his check. Then if you're taking care of everything you will know how much is left. & I would be very weary of his trip! If his office is willing to pay but he says it would "look" better if he does is bull. He's probably going to have an affair. Which would also explain why he wants to keep your account empty. He's already hiding stuff from you by giving his Mom money & not telling you. I'm not saying he shouldn't help her out, but he should tell you. You're married to him & you're supposed to be one. He makes $10,000 a month but gives you only $980.00 (if you still get that amount?)! There is something wrong with that. What does he do with the rest? What's left after all the bills are paid? These are questions you should be asking. Cause not knowing, could be the major problem. MEN LIE! And Cheat. Start taking care of everything. & If he doesn't want you to, then there's a bigger problem.

  • 4 years ago

    I consider lots of the solutions. yet do no longer ask him if he will see a counselor approximately his sexual addictions. tell him if he needs to stay married, he HAS to. you do no longer want that. I went via the same difficulty with my husband, yet no longer just about as extensive as your difficulty. it extremely is stressful on you as a spouse, exceptionally in case you're nevertheless involved in him and desire to be extra in element in touch. it is not typical for adult men to observe porn each and all the time. We basically have a million dvd that we watch in some situations, and we basically watch it mutually. That grew to become into the contract we made as a sort of compromise to our difficulty. make certain you video show his utilization of the computing device, exceptionally if it particularly is shared by technique of your loved ones. the final element you like is your females by risk stumbling upon one in all daddy's grimy little secrets and techniques. reliable for you for being so in touch! some adult men might say basically go away him on my own, be grateful he's not bugging you, blah blah blah. yet it particularly is your husband and you should be extra suitable than adequate for him.

  • 9 years ago

    Do NOT let him tap into your business account, ever ever ever, under any circumstances. His explanation for this is beyond bizarre. This whole situation makes my skin crawl and gives me a VERY baaaAaad feeling, and it isn't even my life or finances. It sets off every single alarm bell and warning light in my head.

    Quite honestly - I think you need to have some substantial savings of your own tucked away where he does not know about them and can't get at them. And I DO think you need to work -VERY MUCH - I think that he very deliberately wants to deplete your resources and tarnish your credit - and for whatever controlling reasons he wants to do that, it CANNOT be good. This situation reeks of "addiction" of some sort - and it is coming from his mother. His mom does not "owe" him anything - you will never see a penny of what he has channelled to her. I can guarantee you that as sure as the sun will come up tomorrow. It is all money poured down a rat-hole - and there will be more all the time. Is his mother a gambler? Drug addict? Is he? There is something REALLY wrong there, and it alarms me. Please read up on addictions - you need to learn a lot about the dynamics of addicts. The secrecy, the lies, the WITHDRAWING SAVINGS THAT WERE MEANT FOR RETIREMENT, the spending every penny he has, the supporting Momzer with a huge amount of money (I fear the amount is ten times worse than you think in your worst nightmare) are all really disturbing, huge red flags.

    You need to stop letting him assure you and letting him take complete charge of the finances, when you see enough to glean that there is a problem. You need to be able to protect YOURSELF and your baby - not in an argumentative way, just "yes" him to death and go ahead and do what you need to do, like WORK. Please stash money in accounts where the statements go to your parents' house. Do NOT let him touch any business account you may ever have. This is entirely inappropriate. And please be persistent about airing out the "joint" finances and spraying them with Lysol - you do NOT EVER want to be wholly under his financial control. This seems like a train wreck waiting to happen.


    Yowza - reading your additional information makes my skin crawl even more. This man is clearly abusive - and yes, he wants TOTAL control over you; and guess what? When he feels he has it, things will get much, much, MUCH worse. I am shocked that you married him the way he treated you at a difficult time for you. When you have a kid is when they try to amp up the control by shoving the legs of your financial support system out from under you, and then they are off to the races. I honestly think you need to be prepared to bail at some point - this is NOT going to get better on its own, and everything you do to try to keep your independence and try to shine a light on the finances, he will actively work to subvert. This is VERY alarming. You need to read up on abusive/controlling relationships...

    Source(s): have seen relatives in abusive marriages of various flavors - this one sets off all my alarm bells.
Still have questions? Get your answers by asking now.