I worked with abuse and sexual assault for years, and my dear, your husband is a user and an abuser. He's an inch from battering you, if he hasn't already.
But the emotional stuff can be more devastating than being beaten.
The point is it doesn't matter "why". Knowing you cannot fix or control him, that he is almost certainly not going to change, that you have a right to control your pregnancy and no legal or moral obligation to abort simply because he says so is more important and more relevant than "why".
You're in danger, no matter how much you love him. He will never be the loving father or husband we all deserve. He has convinced you you're worthless, when he should be treating you as precious.
He thinks he owns you. Only you can reclaim your own autonomy.
I'm afraid for you and could go on and on, but there is no way to win this one. He has moved you away from all you know, not taken responsibility for your pregnancy and likely never will. I can only imagine the father he WON'T ever be.
Please find family or a friend to stay with. Time away will help you gain perspective. Look up "Domestic violence" in your state and make some calls. You're not alone.
We can love men who are just completely bad for us. He IS, and will continue to be, DANGEROUS, if not physically, most certainly you are heading for emotional death.
Please find some support. Tell someone face to face what you're dealing with and get some help to get free - at least for now. You are NOT who he says you are. He is acting out of his own insecurity and control issues. Again, he WILL NOT CHANGE. And if you stay, you will continue to lose yourself, be horribly unhappy and could even be seriously harmed or even die in this situation.
You owe him nothing and he will never provide the family life you are hoping for, but for now, just get safe.
It doesn't matter why, only that it is what it is. Please look for help.
EDIT - Marriage counseling is dangerous for couples where even emotional violence is an issue. He would control the whole thing and punish you for any truth you tell. You DO NOT need a psychiatrist. You aren't sick. HE needs the help but I'm sure he won't get it. Time to be selfish and find help for YOU. At least get some time away from him. It will help you think more clearly and get opinions from others, which is why he isolates you - to prevent anything but his own sick influence.
And one more thing - I can promise the "why" is not YOU. You did not cause his behavior and you cannot prevent or control it. This is all on HIM. And talking it out will not work with him. He will only take your tender feelings and destroy you with them. It's obvious e is not reasonable, but he will also fight not to let you go. He wants to own you, not love you.
Getting free takes help, but I PROMISE that I know scores of women who, even in love with these men, do not regret the decision to get support and escape. You AND your baby deserve love and to be held precious. Please save yourself and your child. My heart is breaking for you too.
BSW (social worker), former couples coach for relationships in crisis, domestic and sexual violence advocate
· 8 years ago