Has my four year old daughter been sexually abused?
Last night I caught my daughter lying on her bedroom floor with her pants down. This is the second time I have caught her within the past week in her room lying on her back with her pants down, so this is a new behavior. When I asked her why she was doing it, she said because my boyfriend did it. I asked her a number of questions after that and she basically said that he took off her pants and took off his pants and put his "circle part" on her butt, and when I asked her to point where he put it she pointed at her vagina. I was totally freaking out at this point but I tried to be calm and kept asking questions and she kept answering with a big smile on her face the whole time. She kept changing the story but two things remained constant: that my boyfriend was in her room and the description of his "circle part" located near his butt. She goes back and forth between what he did with the "circle thing" and when asked if it really happened or if she made it up in her head she goes back and forth between these things too, and I don't know if at her age she can really understand that concept plus I don't want her to think that I don't believe in her if it is true by asking over and over if it was all in her head. So the story is constantly changing but those two things about the "circle thing" and him being in her room are consistent. I did check all her clothes and bedding and her private parts for signs of blood, fluid, trauma etc. and found nothing.
What makes me wonder if she is telling the truth is that she had a big smile on her face the whole time, she kept changing her story, and this is all coming soon after I started having conversations with her about her private parts and that only she is allowed to touch them, or Mommy or a Doctor if she is hurt or need help on the toilet, and that if anybody else ever touched her to tell Mommy right away. During these conversations she rattled off names of close relatives who were not allowed to touch her, including the name of my boyfriend of 3 years. She has also unfortunately walked in on us having sexual relations and walked in on movies with sexual scenes, so she has been exposed to sexual behaviors that she should not have been exposed to and I wonder if maybe that exposure plus the conversation about private parts plus the fact that she is four and has been telling numerous tall tales lately has contributed to her making up this elaborate story about my boyfriend. This is a man I love who loves me and my daughter, whom I trusted completely, and we have even talked of marriage and having kids together.
On the other hand, things that make me wonder if this is true is the timing. Just a few days previously she was alone with him while he babysat her because I had to work and her preschool was out for that day. For her to say these things so soon afterward does not seem like it can be a coincidence. She goes back and forth between whether I was home at the time and the clothes she was wearing, but this is a four year old so I doubt her memory would be completely accurate. Also, there is my boyfriends history of strange sexual behaviors and abuse in his family. His father was abusive and he recently confessed that his father molested his sisters, but did not say whether his father molested him. He likes to fantasize about "raping" me during sex which freaks me out at times at makes me wonder how deep rooted this fantasy goes. He is not violent or abusive at all towards me or my daughter and has a niece of the same age who he has not touched, but because of the rape fantasy I wonder if it really is so far fetched that he might do something so horrendous.
I don't know what to think because her taking off her pants could just be normal sexual curiosity, and her curiosity could be peaked because of the conversations we have been having about private parts. She also is at a stage where she makes up all sorts of stories and events and has trouble distinguishing certain stories from reality. She unfortunately may have been witness to scenes which could be described as a male putting his "circle part" on a females private parts, and that could have fueled her fantasy. There is also the fact that this man she is accusing is someone that I believed to have been the love of my life and who I trusted completely. The fact that she still loves and trusts him and does not seem at all traumatized or afraid of him fuels my doubts, but what if I am wrong? What if he really did touch her in an inappropriate way? How can I be certain if she is telling the truth?