Procrastination, motivation, and hypocrisy problems - I don't care anymore?~long read?
I don't really care about much. I promised that over summer vacation that I would workout and do SAT work. I spent more than half the summer doing nothing. Really nothing, I just stayed home being lazy. Played games watched TV cooked food and nothing else. Maybe fall asleep. I know I could and should do it but I don't just because I could. I don't feel sad. Maybe sad about doing what I said I would do. Even now I'm procrastinating doing what I should do and I have an SAT book in front of me. I really do not want to put the effort into doing anything because I'm so lazy. Just read manga all day.
Maybe I just like to be useless. Last summer vacation I went to China and I was offered again but I decided not to because it was a lot of money for the ticket and the things I bought. So now I do nothing.I'm not even sure what answer that I want from this. I feel I need motivation to do it but I have none. My only motivation right now is that a family member said he would punish me somehow if I didn't achieve a goal that he set. I don't really care :S. It made me do more than usual but now I'm spiraling down to doing the bare minimum everyday. And it's not like I resent working out or doing SAT. I think it helps me but I would rather do something I find interesting.
I'm also an introvert when meeting with strangers but extrovert with people I'm really familiar with;my family and close friends. But now I haven't contacted any of my close friends for nearly a month and hadn't physically met each other for over a month. They were friends from my junior high school that I stopped being close with since high school. I have no close friends in high school. I don't even care though.. I don't feel like the world sucks but I don't want to do anything except live. The only thing I really want is to stay alive. I'm just waiting for something crazy to happen to motivate me do something. Something that comes straight out of a manga/comic/fictional story. I feel chained by my family members sometimes because we don't communicate deeply and I'm irrationally scared of showing emotions of love. I'm sort of terrified by love. I wouldn't know how to be with a girl that I like yet I could tell others how. I don't even really want a girlfriend but I do want something that I love unconditionally. All there is is my life and its not enough...I just decided not to die no matter what because I want to feel everything possible including pain instead of nothing forever(im..agnostic). I want to live just for the sake of living...but whatever.
I think when I grow up, I'll become independent and that's when I'll be able to do what I want, which I'm not sure of yet. I do feel sure that whatever happens I'll turn out ok. Or I'll die from an accident or disease spontaneously. Sometimes I think I'll die just because its impossible for someone like me to live in the future because of all the good I could do. I'm quite the narcissist. But I think I'm sort of a narcissist for other people to because I believe they should be able to do what I can do as well. I haven't even done anything but I fantasize being able to invent new technology and/or rule a nation or be a perfect leader in every aspect and/or be a singer or actor. I want to be everything possible, sort of like a super renaissance man.
Anyway, I guess my question would be is this okay? I don't understand that question.. Perhaps the question is do you understand? Your answer may not matter much to me but I'll choose the one I like best regardless.