Critique my prologue please? 10 points?
This is about half of my prologue, this is my first draft and my first time actually writing properly. Any advice would be much appreciated, thanks :)
Flashes of shimmering blue blitzed through the air at high speed, piercing the darkness. Silhouettes scrambled to evade them from all angles, as orbs of burning orange targeted nearby buildings, crashing into them and setting them ablaze.
A young woman with striking silver hair was frantically stowing a range of books, jars, jewellery and clothing into a woven, hessian sack. She lifted the lid of a small desk as the ground erupted beneath her feet, and unrolled a piece of parchment. With a shaking hand, she dipped her quill into a pot of black ink and held it hesitantly over the parchment.
“Evangeline, we must leave.” a soft voice whispered from behind her.
She turned her head to see her younger sister, Elnora, standing in the doorway, her charcoal locks sweeping in front of her face. She seemed to be hiding behind them, as if she believed she could hide from the horrors outside. Evangeline noticed something different about Elnora. It was her eyes. Although her body remained still and controlled, her eyes were wide and sparkling with fear. Evangeline wanted so much to offer some words of comfort, but she also feared their time had come and felt that she could not give her sister false hope or lie to her.
“Take this, there is something I must do first.” she handed the sack to Elnora who glanced upwards to meet her eyes, desperate to hear words of encouragement and faith. But there was no trace of hope left in Evangeline’s eyes; they now reflected the emptiness of her heart.
This was of no comfort to Elnora, who reluctantly took the sack from her sister and left the room. She knew that time was precious and if her sister believed what she needed to do was important, she could accept that.
Evangeline returned her gaze to the piece of parchment on her desk. The ground shook violently, rattling the antique vases which stood on her bedroom cabinet. Deafening screams corresponded to sudden bursts of luminous colour outside her window that filled the room with light, creating temporary shadows in frightening shapes upon her wall.
This was it. These would be her finals words and she had to say them right. But she was rapidly running out of time and had no other choice than to be hasty with her selection of words.
“My dearest, Ella,” she began to write, splattering ink on the desk and parchment as she hurried.
She folded the parchment and slid it into an envelope, sealing it with blood red wax and stamp that read ‘with love’.
She then turned to the wicker basket that lay bundled with blankets on her bed, and peered over it to see a small face with delicate features. Evangeline gazed at the infant with such affection and sadness and prayed her plan would succeed.
“Evangeline, it is time.” Elnora’s voice squeaked.
“How close are they?”
“Two streets away.” she gasped, straining her eyes as they searched beyond the window and the street it looked upon.
Evangeline tucked the letter into the baby’s blanket and kisser her for the last time, tears filling her eyes.
“Goodbye my child, I hope one day you learn of this world and understand why this had to happen, that I had no other choice.” she said, as a tear rolled down her pale cheek and dropped onto the pink silk blanket.
“Evangeline,” Elnora panicked. “I can hear them!”
“I love you, Ella.” Evangeline whispered as she kissed the baby’s soft cheek.
She was calm despite the chaos that surrounded her, it was almost as if she knew this moment would come and she had prepared herself for it. She picked up the basket and handed it to her sister.
“Be calm, Elnora. I trust you with all of my heart, I know you will succeed.” she encouraged as she embraced her sister, before watched her run faster than ordinary eyed could see, taking her beloved daughter off into the dark and dangerous night.
Almost immediately, the door of the house burst open as the broken pieces of wood scattered. A silhouette bounded in from the shadows and revealed himself, tall and fierce. The scars on his face drew a picture that Evangeline interpreted as a warning; death was progressing close to her, she could feel it. Taking a deep breath, she absorbed the man’s energy and power, although not yet knowing what power he possessed.
thanks so much for the comments so far :)
excuse my typos.. :P
- 9 years agoFavorite Answer
It won't post :'( I have posted it on my blog for you to read. Here is the link...
It took me ages so if you still think it deserves a best answer can you give it to me please? Can you also comment once you've read it so I can delete it from my blog please?
- 9 years ago
Paragraph 1: "at a high speed". No comma needed after "angles"
Paragraph 3: The period after 'leave' should be a comma.
Paragraph 5: Capitalize 'she' after the dialogue
Paragraph 7: 'and a stamp'
Paragraph 11: Capitalize 'she' after the dialogue
Paragraph 12: 'kissed'
Paragraph 13: comma instead of period at the end of the dialogue
Paragraph 15: comma instead of period at the end of the dialogue
Paragraph 17: same as 13 and 15. Then no comma after 'sister'. 'Watching' instead of 'watched' and 'eyes' instead of 'eyed'.
Paragraph 18: colon instead of semicolon after 'warning'. Try a different word other than 'progressing'. It doesn't fit that well.
Very well done! Aside from a few little mistakes here and there (as with all writing), this sounds very good! I hope there will be more down the road!
- 9 years ago
I loved it. It was really good for a prologue and the end was a good cliffhanger. There were a few grammar issues but nothing to big. Mostly adding commas and incorrect capitalization. Maybe you could ask a friend to edit it. An author doesn't always catch their mistakes. It left many possibilities for what could happen later in the book. I love your writing style and good job!
- 9 years ago
This is very good! I really like your style of writing. I enjoyed it:) A few grammatical errors, nothing that can't be fixed. Mostly what the previous answer pointed out. Good luck and keep writing!
Answer mine, I'd really appreciate it!
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- 9 years ago
I love it! I like the idea. Could you read mine?