Does this seem like a good begining, would you be intrigued!?

Novella- Atalanta Grey

“To die would be an awfully big adventure. " Peter pan .

Chapter one

EVAN’s predicament

SEPTEMBER 1920

It was a cold winters night, and a sharp snappy wind hit against number twelve leapold road.

The family who lived there, was a sum of six occupants, a father named Dixion Norman Gray, a jolly man with a smile which seemed forever plastered on his face. His wife Aria Logan Lyon-Gray, a beautiful youth, with a fresh face, and a kiss so sweet , that it would cause butterflies to fly around a man's head in delight had bore him five children .

Their four children; Clark, fourteen, Atalanta, twelve, Jason, eight, and the youngest, George-Jonathan a tiny five year old, with an obsession with Teddies, rabbits and the next door neigh's German Sheppard, called Jakob.

Their four floor home was magnificent, though Mr. Gray complained about how the children used the house as a “personal jungle gym,”.

A young man stood at the front door step, wrapped in a thick overcoat, he knocked smartly on the door, looking around the fenced courtyard, which was beginning to fill with snow.

A young girl- a lady to be opened the door. She was small with red curls that fell down her back, and bright turquoise eyes, that eyed the man with a mixture of respect and hostility. Her pyjamas passed her knees appropriately and she clutched the door, ready at any moment to slam it in his face if he happened to be anyone useless.

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  • 9 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    You are very descriptive of the characters. The beginning of a story needs to be a foundation that let's us know what is going on. It's good to be a little vague about the characters at first, it keeps people wondering just what they're like--not too vague, just a little. Give more meaning or feeling to the surroundings to convey just what kind of mood you want. The characters will fall into place at just the right time and give the reader a great feeling of what the characters are like when and how you describe them. Focus more on the foundation of the story, how to draw people in, rather than telling them about the characters within the first two paragraphs.

  • 9 years ago

    Actually, it is not almost exactly like Harry Potter, though I did think of think of it when I read number 12.

    Gradually introduce the characters and add a little plot or something to give the readers drive to keep reading. I'm not gonna lie. I don't want to be mean, but it was a little boring reading about these characters before I'd seen them in action. Think about that.

  • 9 years ago

    I think it would be better if something actually happened in the first few paragraphs to draw the reader into the story. We don't need to know the names of all the children and the dog right off the bat. You can reveal that information gradually once the reader has been sucked into the story.

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    I thought it was interesting, reminded me of some of he classics. However...it is almost exactly like the opening to Harry Potter. number twelve...explaining the family. I think I would keep reading it, but you may want to change the likeness to Harry Potter. Good Luck with writing, because your good at it.

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