Please read my short story and tell me what you think?
Hi there. I am entering a competition, and I need some comments on my story. This bit is only an extract of it, so I don't blame you if you don't exactly understand what the plot of the story is so far.
I also am aware of my spelling mistakes, but this is only a draft, so I will fix them up in the final copy. Thank you!
In The distance, I see something white and shapeless. It floats soundlessly around and around in large circles. I squint my eyes, trying to see it properly. The mysterious figure continues floating, oblivious to the girl standing a few meters away. I can’t see it properly; it’s still too far away. “Maybe I should try going a bit closer,” I think to myself. I take a few shaky steps towards the unshaped thing, but as I start to walk faster, the figure stays exactly the same distance away. It’s as if I’m running on a treadmill. But I’m so curious to see this thing now; I can’t and won’t stop running. I yell out and suddenly the figure stops and seems to turn towards me although it doesn’t have eyes. I slow to a stop and stare at the very unusual swirl of white. The figure suddenly zooms upward, so quickly that I stumble, then catch my feet. It grows bright, so bright I have to shield my eyes from the light. And a second later, the figure is gone.
I wake up covered in beads of sweat, panting as if I’d just run a race. Mum is beside me, looking panic-stricken.
“Mint? Mint, sweetie are you alright? It was just a bad dream. Nothing to worry about darling. Should I fetch you a chocolate?”
I nod shakily and lay back down. I see my four sisters leaning against the door, all also looking extremely worried. They rush over to me, giving my hugs and saying that everything is alright. Fresha, the youngest is wrapped in her duvet, her bronze colored eyes blinking tiredly in the bedroom light. Caramel, Candy and Melodie, my older sisters are all in nightgowns, also looking slightly sleepy. We sit in silence until Mum comes back with a box of chocolates in her hand. I peer in, selecting my favorite one, the Crunchie bar. Fresha climbs into my bed, abandoning her duvet beside it, but I am thinking of better times…
Mum and Dad are sugar fans. Mum love inventing lollies, Dad makes the recipes for truffles and chocolates and all those chocolaty things. Together they make a great match and they had just started a business together. Mum invented our crazy names – I mean, Fresha, Peppermint, Candy, Caramel and Melodie are some names you don’t see everyday. Dad would always have a box of chocolates hidden away somewhere. He and I felt like chocolates were like fortune tellers. If a chocolate makes you happier, it will bring fortune if you continue eating it. Every single time I eat a chocolate, it makes me feel happy and bright, fortunate and believing, colorful and interesting. I love chocolates
Ok, some things to keep in mind.
#!. The reason I spend so much time explaining the first paragraph is because it is the most important bit in the story. Near the end of this SHORT story, it mentions that the white, shapless figure is actually the main characters father, and the barrier between them is stopping her from reaching him.
#2. It's a short story, so I need to introduce the character pretty quickly. To enter the comp, I needed to only have a story that was a page and a half.
#3 In the chocolate paragraph, I do agree that I use 'chocolate' too many times, but if you think that paragraph sounds a little lame, I need it in there, because I need a chocolate theme in my story.
Thank you everyone for replying!
- Nikki DubsLv 59 years agoFavorite Answer
That many o's in "No" is unnecessary.
In your first paragraph, you use "properly" twice within a few sentences of each other. It sounds redundant.
You spend too much time talking about how much the character wants to see the figure. Cut it down a bit. Also, you don't have to draw out explaining what the figure looks like--for example, the part that says "unusual swirl of light" is overkill--we know it's white, and we know it's unusual. You don't need to say it again.
The story drags when you introduce the sisters. Don't call them by name all at once. Use their names as they interact with the character--when they're first mentioned, they should be "my four sisters." Then you can refer to Fresha by name when she rushes to the bed, wrapped in the duvet. Pointing out ages immediately is also unnecessary. That can come up later in the story, when the main character interacts with them more.
You use the word "chocolate" way too often in the last paragraph. The last line is overkill. We know the main character loves chocolates because of the sentence that comes before it.
I think you're using the term "fortune teller" incorrectly. Fortune tellers tell you your future, they don't bring you fortune. You might want to use "good luck charms" or something along those lines.
I can't really get a good grasp of the concept from these few paragraphs, but so far it seems pretty interesting. You have some really good lines here and there ("I am thinking of better times" and the part about chocolates bringing good fortune are both interesting). Avoid redundancies and the unnecessary, and I think you could have something really strong here.
- Anonymous9 years ago
I would suggest not putting the "Noooooooooooooo" bit in it causes misspelling and it doesn't suit the end of the sentence. But overall its a great story, It sounds like my sort of story, and I wouldn't put "I love chocolates" at the end because its not very "story like". Hope this helps, good luck in the Competition! ;)
- Anonymous9 years ago
it sounds so fat! I mean it ends with "I love chocolates" and you talk about eating food. Write one about loosing weight!