Nancy
Lv 5
Nancy asked in Pregnancy & ParentingAdoption · 10 years ago

Are you a Birth Mom who gave up?

your child at birth or later and if so- have you found this child and how has the relationship gone ? Were you able to build one, are you sorry you found one another, having trouble or is the relationship wonderful ?

I found my child 12 years ago and it has been up and down. Right now we just began talking via social network. I am scared it may not work as I have a difficult time trusting her.

I would like to hear how others are handling their reunions.

Thank you !

Update:

BTW : She was late 20's when I found her .

Update 2:

PiP-Thank you for responding and my heart goes out to you. I have gone through A LOT of what you have...Recently ( 2 weeks ago ) began communicating again via e-mail. Unsure how this will go but I am being very cautious & slow. Hearing from other Birth Moms is what is giving me strength to carry on. I do not want to be on my death bed w/o some sort of understanding. I had people lie also but my story remains consistent as it is the only way it was-I was there !

Update 3:

Thanks Cleo-You are right ! I can only be her Mother !

2 Answers

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  • 10 years ago
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    "Are you a Birth Mom who gave up?" - I am a mother plain and simple, the first time I heard the term birth mother was in 2004 after I found my son, have always found the term offensive and have been a mother post reunion to him. Although I didn't my son up (I was blatantly bullied and lied into surrendering) I can still answer your questions.

    "if so- have you found this child and how has the relationship gone ? Were you able to build one, are you sorry you found one another, having trouble or is the relationship wonderful ?" - It has been a volatile relationship right from the start. My son grew up believing I didn't want him and that I wanted him to have two parents. Add to this he found my family when he was 18 and for the next five years they lied to him and told him they didn't know where I was. I found him when he was 23 years so his whole world exploded as he found out he had been in effect lied too all his life. My son had to deal with reunion and try sorting out the lies from the truth. I had to deal with reunion, dealing with my emotions as I had been expected to get on with my life and forget about him so I bottled everything up plus I found out the extent of the lies. When my son has been happy our relationship has been great but whenever he has been angy/unhappy it's been awful.

    My son has gone through phases of accusing me of being a liar and saying/doing things he's said/done yet I have never lied to him and have always been consistant with him. He lieved with me and my husband for 2 1/2 years and constantly tried to play us off against each other. We persevered because when he was happy he was lovely to live with. My son moved out in April 2009 and we had our final falling out in October 2009 due to him coming out with some outrageous false accussations towards me and being downright nasty towards me. However the door will always be open a little crack but I can't have a relationship with him unless he changes his way. The only time I have contacted since the fall out was in April this year as my mother died and I felt he had a right to know. My sister also contacted him but he has ignored both of us.

    I will always love my son though.

  • 10 years ago

    Understanding what happened to you is most vital. Most women were/are coerced into surrendering their child due to the ideals/values of a given society.

    A consequence of colonialism, globalization, etc. For example, with international adoption: the west provides a better upbringing for children ... two-parent families with an education rear healthy children. Attitudes that are fueled with, "exceptionalism." Etc.

    When ditched mothers ("birthmothers") understand the above, they are fit in assessing a "reunion" which entails coming to terms that they lost their child(ren) and their chance to be "mom." There is nothing that can turn back time. There is only loss. Whether you communicate, form a relationship or go separate ways with your child - the loss is unrecoverable.

    Unless of course the child understands his/her mothers perspective and the social influences / time period that instigated their separation. (Because a mother cannot be a friend to her child, she can only be its mother).

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