THEIR eyes met around the room and THEIR perception MELTED right into a MOLTEN, swirling puddle of incomprhension. (Repetitiveness, and Melted and molten are synonyms). colorations mixed together and the own, maximum virbant purple---with intensities resmbling the organic, deep blush of existence in one's cheeks---switched over right into a easy, icy blue refracted from the blackest corners of the room. (Sentence shape) An intimate, passionate longing exceeded between them, barreling interior the path of the merging passerby like melted butter. (How does melted butter barrel by using somebody - in line with risk part of the metaphor is lacking, and additionally, attempt to dodge adjectives as much as a threat - it distracts from the action) Their hands tingled with the unhappy yearning to gently brush the different's cheek or gently caress their hair. hundreds of thoughts of gentle kisses, of dozing together in innocence and not something extra, inspired upon their minds and crushed their senses, evaporating the present actuality that threatened to invade. Locked in a reverie of days previous and candy targets yet to return, the ever judgemental public eye dwindled into nonexistence. Etiquette meant no longer something to them now. ok - my opinion is you need to circulate returned and X out quite a few the adjectives. the two enable this is "An intimate longing...." or "A passionate longing..." The sentence shape is complicated additionally. good success on your rewrites.