HELP! Mother is controlling everything!?
**Story is worth the read!**
Lately, my mom has restricted me and hasn't let me make ANY of my own choices. Now, I know im 14 and I knew these fights would start sooner or later and Im not expecting to get my way every time and i AM expecting people to say "Oh, youre Just a teenager! You dont know what youre saying!" , but mom has gone out of her way to try and disagree with EVERYTHING I say or do. For example:
My Jr. High Graduation is coming up, and every girl in school is buzzing around about their dress. Yesterday, my dad and I spent the entire day at the mall, looking for shoes and a dress. We ended up finding a little black, strapless dress that shows no cleavage and ends just above my knees. We also found classic black shoes with just a little bit of heel but not really. When I came home and tried it on for mom, she literally FREAKED. I was scared because she started yelling at me out of nowhere things like "You're 14! You're not standing on a street corner! You're going to a graduation, not bar-hopping! There will be people watching you, and I wont have my daughter looking like a prostitute!"
I just started bawling! I spent SO much time and my own money buying these things! She asked me to get a simple black dress and I did! She said I was showing too much skin, but I was showing literally THE SAME AMOUNT OF SKIN as my 12 year old sister. My sister had a similar dress in grey and it was strapless and ended right above her knees and showed no cleavage. I told her this and her response was "Yeah, but it doesnt look like hers!" and "I wasnt talking about your sister, Im talking about your sleezy dress!" I asked like 7 other girls in my school and they all said they were wearing a black dress that goes to their knees...thats just like mine. I also told mom this, and she said "I dont care if all the other girls look like sluts, you are going to be in front of other parents and I wont have my daughter looking like she should be standing on a street corner"
Also, she wont let me watch Family Guy or South Park because they say curse words. She wont let me listen to Lady Gaga or Kesha because they are "sleezy trash". EVERYTIME she sees me texting, she asks me who im talking to. EVERY TIME she sees me on the computer, she asks me if im looking up something inappropriate. And this is the one thing that REALLY bugs me: Everytime I go into Pink or Victoria's Secret, she bugs me on things like "Why do you need CUTE panties?? Who's gonna see them??" Like WTF!! She shops there all the time, so that somehow makes it an "adult store"?!?
PLEASE someone HELP! I swear, one day Im gonna slap her so hard her "Inner nun" will pop out!! How do I reason with her?? Ive spoken calmly and she simply refuses to even LISTEN to what I have to say. Im in tears right now, guys! I have no privacy and no freedom! I feel responsible and reasonable but shes too stubborn to even listen to me. PLease guys, help!!!
And I cant get dad to talk to her because mom and dad are divorced! Dad agreed to the dress AND the shoes and hes on my side, but he has to pretend like hes on moms side because she gets VERRRRY pissed off when dad takes claim as the "dominant parent". He just doesnt wanna get on her bad side and i dont have an older sister, either, so its either I wear a nun dress with a turtleneck and no ankles showing or...well, there IS no or because she's forcing me to return the dress and the shoes and i have to get a f*ckin cardboard dress.
I offered to put on a shawl and when I wore it she said it looked even WORSE. And I dont see how yiu guys agree with the whole music thing! And please dont treat me like a child! IM TOTALLY AWARE of pedophilles and rapists on the internet! I dont go off and watch porn and do drugs and alcohol behind her back, but i WOULD like to watch the PUBLIC tv shows i want and listen to whatever music I want. Shes restricting me TOO MUCH!! I know she cares about me, but yelling at me and calling me a prostitute jsut because I wear a small inclined "heel" is just plain being a b*tch
- Anonymous9 years agoFavorite Answer
I can see your mother's point about South Park and family guy. The coarseness and subject matters are "adult' in nature and not intended for younger audiences. As far as your choice of dress is concerned, mom is over-reacting but again I see her reasoning behind it. At age 14, you are starting to come into your own in regards to your sexuality, dating, socializing with your peers and forming your own opinions. I am thinking that your mom has noticed that you are blossoming into a vibrant young woman and she knows the pressures and attention you will face as you get older ... especially from the boys. I've been through this as well when I was your age and my own 13 y/o daughter is feeling the pressures as well and she will go through it with me too when it comes to choice of clothing and dating. I'm no prude but just being a responsible parent. As far as your mom treating your sister different goes, could be that mom knows that your sister has not blossomed yet and feels your sister won't feel the sexual pressures that you have and will experience just yet. And yes, your mom will treat her the same way as she is treating you now when the time comes. Call it parental instinct.
With panties, they have lost their original function and evolved to become a big part of the modern sexual culture. With men, panties are like Christmas paper wrapping a gift and meant to be unwrapped when seen. And your mom knows this. And as a woman myself, VS, Pink and Rue panties are a big part of my own sexuality and my husband likes to 'unwrap' me whenever he can.
Slapping the 'inner nun' out of your mom will only make things worse for you and create an atmosphere of mistrust because she will suspect that you are sexually active and she will further restrict your social activities and dress. I know that you are venting your frustrations when you say that, but remember you are not an adult yet and she is your parent and she is in charge. Rebelling will only backfire on you in the long run.
You need to understand that I am on your side in regards to the choice of dress you've chosen and the panties you would like to wear, I don't restrict my daughter in most of her choices of dresses and panties that she likes to wear but I make sure she does not expose herself too much or wear thongs for overly sexual suggestive and sanitary reasons. There are limits and restrictions to everything in life, especially at age 14.
And finally, you need to understand that trust is earned, not given to teenagers. I do suggest that you and your mom sit down and come up with a plan where she will give you 'credits' of trust at first and you can earn more trust from her as time goes on. As long as you prove to your mom that she can trust you, I think you will find she will not be so restrictive but you need to show that you can use common-sense and work on developing a open relationship with your mom to really make it work to your advantage. You may feel that mom is being too restrictive and she very well may be in your eyes, but you need to place yourself in her shoes and see her side of things too. Remember, someday you will be the parent and will have to deal with the issues of raising a 14 y/o daughter and deal with her choice of clothing, TV shows, music, language etc.Source(s): Retired Adolescent and Child Behavioral counselor.
- 9 years ago
I feel a bit like you do. I am your exact age and I live with a grandmother who is very old-fashioned and equally intrusive.
About the dress, can't you wear a shrug or something like that? And I know it's frustrating that a lot of other girls are wearing similar things and being allowed to. If your mother is religious or had such an experience, then respect her. And as for Family Guy and South Park, they're stupid shows anyway, why would you want to watch them? And Gaga and Ke$ha? Your mom's right, they're very provocative, maybe there is another type of music out there that is just waiting for you! And for VS: Your mom's being paranoid. If she is that strict with you, then how is someone else going to see them?
I know it sounds crazy, but your mom cares about you. She knows that the world is a crazy place right now and in her mind, she's protecting you and testing the waters to see when she should start letting you be a girl who is accustomed to this stuff. Oh, and can't you get your dad in the equation as well?
- Anonymous9 years ago
First let me say that this time in everyone's life is very rough. Everyone fought with their parents and thought they were unreasonable. When you get older and think back on it, some of the things your mom does now will make sense to you, some you will still disagree with.
I agree with your mom limiting your exposure to explicit shows and music, and knowing who you are talking to and what you are looking at on the internet. There are a lot of icky people out there who try and take advantage of 14 year old girls. Your mom is being protective of your innocence. She is doing her job as a mom to know as much as possible in order to protect you from the evils of this world. It truly sounds like she loves you and is being protective, you will probably be the exact same way with your kids
All that being said, it does sound like she is being a bit irrational about your graduation dress. Maybe she is having a hard time seeing you grow up nto a woman. She has know you since you were in diapers, now you're in heels. Its tough to watch your babies grow up, something you won't understand till you have kids of your own. Maybe after things cool off a bit suggest to her that you guys go shopping together for something to wear over your dress, like a shrug or short sleeve sweater. This way it may make it a little more modest for her taste.
You won't have much privacy for the next few years, but you will have much less if you give your parents a reason not to trust you. So, don't go in internet sites you shouldn't, don't text people inappropriate things or listen to music in the house she doesn't like. You may earn more freedom the more responsible you act. Its her house and you are a guest there. You'll just have to tough it out till you go off to college.
Also I fought with my mom a lot when I was your age, now we are great friends. It'll get betterSource(s): A mom and former teenager
- 9 years ago
Welcome to those awful teen years. Parents who have to learn to let go, and teenagers who want to stand on their own two feet in the world but haven't got the experience to do so yet. Just a few more years gal, hang in there and know that eventually you WILL be making your own choices independently of your mother.
Your dress can't be too revealing if your dad accompanied you surely. Could you get him on side? lol
It is normal for mothers to be protective, often overly protective, and it is normal for girls of 14 to want to start to want to appear more adult and feminine rather than just scrawny school kids. No wonder there are fireworks.
According to my grandparents who are both in their late 70's, and the source of infinite knowledge and common sense in my humble opinion, the teens from 12 to 20 are the hardest years to live through, after that it gets progressively better, and the 30's are the best of all.
Hang in there gal times they are a changin', and for the better.
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- 9 years ago
first just relax and calm down. everything seems so much worse when your upset. your mom just cares about you and is scared that your growing up. yes it does sound like she is a little over restricting to me. maybe you can have her talk to your dad since it sounds like hes on your side. or if you have an older sibling maybe have them talk to her. just give it a little time and keep talking to her, show her that she has nothing to worry about. you are a responsible person and show her that she can trust you in what you do. after she realizes this she will give you some privacy and respect. hope i helped. good luckSource(s): 14 yr old myself
- 9 years ago
Baby girl i know how you feel honestly, just 4 more years and you'll be an adult. Just remind her that you are a good child. Tell her you would like her to take you shopping so she can approve of the dress before you spend time/money. Just stay calm and it will be alright
- dreamingLv 59 years ago
Sounds like your mother was a slut and got knocked up at a young age and is scared that you might end up the same way. Your dad agreed to the dress? have him talk to her about it, you paid for it wear it if she has a problem with it maybe she should have gone shopping with you.