Duke
Lv 6
Duke asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 10 years ago

Please give me your feedback on this short story I wrote?

The Outlaw List

Fifty cattle thieves are found sleeping on the job. The head thief yanks Doug up by his collar.

"Hey you lazy knucklehead. Kill and grill."

Doug shakes his head. He points to a rusty steel fort. The head thief calmly follows Doug's finger. It lands on the view of an angry bulll scraping dirt off its brick like hooves. The others thieves moaned.

'That damn farmer knows his stuff," Doug said coherently.

The head thief cracked his knuckles. Took out his purple hankerchief and wiped his chin. Carefully folding it and wrapping it around his wrist.

"What does a farmer know besides playing in hay stacks," he replied mockingly.

The other thieves chuckled. However Doug paced around the wagon. A white dove soared by. Its clawys snatched the windmill.

"The farmer knows a low life might steal his animals for profit or a quick meal," Doug answered.

The head thief spat on the ground and crossed his arms

"Where does that red bull come in."

From the side an aluminim can connected with his temple. He glanced down and saw a "Red Bull' can on his shoes. Huffing and puffing he chucked the can at the group. It chipped a piece of Hannah's nose. Half of the group laughed. The other half seemed apalled. A stream of booger like snot flowed onto her blouse. A flap of skin dangled from her crooked teeth.

"I don't mean that kind of red bull. I mean that hot tempered bastard glaring at us."

Doug had never seen his boss act like his. Usually he could tolerate sarcasm.

"Er well he might of trained the bull to attack thieves," he stated nervously.

At the speed of sound, the head chief tossed a hatchet to Doug. Snappping his finers.

"I'll let you find out."

Doug clutched the padded handle awkardly. Unknowing wheter to refuse or be loyal. The other thieves started at Doug intently. Easy for them. All they had to do was watch the show.

"Got it boss. If I die, tell my sister I'm just faking it again."

The head boss gave a thumbs up assuring him. The thief let out a breath. He crawled toward the fence. The bull was sleeping. Its snoring resembled 18-wheelers on the highway.

Without thinking his trembling body leaped over, charged forward, and dug the hatchet inside the bull's throat. All fifty thieves pissed their pants. Whimpering. The long horn cut through Doug's stomach like butter The head boss wrote an x mark in his notebook next to "Cattle Theft".

"Okay ladies and gentlemen. Since stealing cattle was a **** up. The list says car jacking is worth a shot," the head thief annouced.

The troop picked themselves up, wiped the grass stains off and marched into the glowing horizon.

1 Answer

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  • Clare
    Lv 6
    10 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    I think it's very good. The writing is incredibly evocative. However I had some trouble following the narrative. I've made a few typographical and stylist suggestions below.

    -------------------------

    The Outlaw List

    Fifty cattle thieves are found sleeping on the job. The head thief yanks Doug up by his collar.

    "Hey you lazy knucklehead. Kill and grill."

    Doug shakes his head. He points to a rusty steel fort. The head thief calmly follows Doug's finger. It lands on the view of an angry bulll scraping dirt off its hooves, which are like bricks. The other thieves moaned.

    'That damn farmer knows his stuff," Doug said.

    The head thief cracked his knuckles. Took out his purple hankerchief and wiped his chin, carefully folding it and wrapping it around his wrist.

    "What does a farmer know besides playing in hay stacks," he replied mockingly.

    The other thieves chuckled. However Doug paced around the wagon. A white dove soared by. Its black claws scratched the windmill on the horizon.

    "This farmer knows a low-life might steal his animals for profit or a quick meal," Doug answered.

    The head thief spat on the ground and crossed his arms

    "Where does that red bull come in."

    An aluminium hit at his temple from the side. He glanced down and saw a "Red Bull' can on his shoes. Huffing and puffing he chucked the can at the group. It chipped a piece of Hannah's nose. Half of the group laughed. The other half were appalled. A stream of blood and mucus flowed onto her blouse. A flap of skin dangled from her crooked teeth.

    "I don't mean that kind of red bull. I mean that hot tempered bastard glaring at us."

    Doug had never seen his boss act like his. Usually he could tolerate sarcasm.

    "Well, he might've trained the bull to attack thieves," he stated nervously.

    At the speed of sound, the head chief tossed a hatchet to Doug. Snappping his fingers.

    "You'll find out."

    Doug clutched the padded handle awkwardly, not knowing whether to refuse or show loyalty. The other thieves started at Doug intently. Easy for them. All they had to do was watch the show.

    "Got it boss. If I die, tell my sister I'm just faking it again."

    The head boss gave a thumbs up assuring him. The thief let out a breath. He crawled toward the fence. The bull was sleeping. Its snoring resembled 18-wheelers on the highway.

    Without thinking his trembling body leaped over, charged forward, and dug the hatchet inside the bull's throat. All fifty thieves pissed their pants. Whimpering. The long horn cut through Doug's stomach like butter The head boss wrote an X mark in his notebook next to "Cattle Theft".

    "Okay ladies and gentlemen. Since stealing cattle was a **** up. The list says car jacking is worth a shot," the head thief annouced.

    The troop picked themselves up, wiped the grass stains off and marched into the glowing horizon.

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