This is out there, but what do you think (writing)?
I'm trying a new style and would like to hear some advice. FOREWARNING, this is a very rough, quickly made one (so it's a little....edged?). Anyway, what are your thoughts on it? (I'm looking for your opinion on the writing, not on the subject. But critique the subject if you feel you really need to.) Thanks.
Father Cameron Melvin Preso of Columbre, Oklahoma woke up on July 23rd of 1978 and found that he was sixty-four years old. He shifted his weight beneath the covers, flexing and stretching his legs, and blinked his eyes up at the ceiling. He yawned deeply and with a breath readiness, he threw off the blanket, stepped onto the floor, and began the day.
Waddling, he entered the kitchen and pulled out one of the thousands of hundreds of coffee mugs that lined the innings of his cabinets. The coffee pot whirled and swirled and some other -irled, filling the house with scent and he, tired, rubbed his eyes. He filled his mug, lit the stove's burners, and set about preparing the morning's breakfast.
Two eggs, bacon, and sausage, all cooked together in the same cast iron. An Oklahoman boy. Born and raised. Through and through.
He was alone and the empty chinks and clinks and taps and beats of fork against plate echoed through his small home. Every now and then, he would rustle his paper and sip at his mug. Maybe flip through a few pages here. Creek the floor and chair there. And look out. Look out his one kitchen window and stare. The world, occasionally, would stare back.
- AnonymousLv 79 years agoFavorite Answer
hahaha. I like the narrative tone and subtle sarcasm of your (the authors), and perhaps the character's voice. "The coffee pot whirled and swirled and some other -irled," made me smile. Reminds me of Jane Austen's subtle irony and sarcasm. ;)
To be honest, I liked it. I mean, aside from some simple errors, this is good. I vaguely remember reading a few other of your excerpts but none of them quite resonated like this one...it struck a cord...probably because of the tone. When you list the sounds as you do, it creates a parody of the monotony in little daily things. Also, what's with the rhyming in the last paragraph? (here, there, stare). lol.
Small errors: "with a breath [of] readiness" and "pulled out one of the [hundreds of thousands] of coffee mugs."
Anyway, I like it. The tone and voice pulled me right in and smirk all the way through. Well done. ;)
- Ponyboy[C4]Lv 59 years ago
Oklahoman Boy typical midwestern old man born n raised there