Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 9 years ago

B&A: What do you think of this introduction to my novel?:) Thanks for reading guys<3?

It was the sun that caused her to miss her boyfriend. The warmth she felt on the back of her neck compared to his lips on her cheek. Even though she lay on her back in a sea of grass it still wasn’t the same. Her legs itched but it wasn’t the same itch that she had felt when "they" would lay on "their" sea of grass and gaze up at the clouds. The bus honked a couple of times. She opened her eyes and stood. Strands of auburn hair whipped across her face and she nearly lost her balance. As she spat hair out of her mouth she watched as Gracie walked towards the bus. Gracie turned around and returned her stare but it wasn’t a friendly stare. Gracie flipped her hair and curled her fingers into a fist behind her back. Her middle finger straightened from her fist and she disappeared up the stairs. Well, she thought to herself, at least she acknowledged me. Somehow, she knew that she would have more problems to worry about during summer camp than a broken heart.

Just about a girl who goes to summer camp:) I bet you can guess why Gracie is mad at her and who the person is that she's day dreaming about.

Anyway, tell me what you think. There is always room for improvement of course but this is what I have so far:)

Thanks for reading<3

Update:

Paul- Thanks!!!:) And for your advice also:)

Silly Turtle- aha yeah I see what you mean:) but I hope that a reader would forgive me for the first two sentences if they didn't like them. I would only have one paragraph to draw them in so I am still polishing this. After that everything else I write afterward I'll edit after the novel is done. Thanks for your comment nonetheless:)<333

Update 2:

thanks for your suggestions but adverbs are like weeds in a garden.......>.> lol:)

Update 3:

you are right about the punctuation though. But I was kind of scribbling this out. I'll go revise and make the necessary corrections. Once again thanks!:)

Update 4:

IRKEN- yeah I KNOW. Lol like I think that is where "structure" comes in. I need to figure out a way that will prevent that from happening. Cause her name being repeated several times annoyed me too. Meh, I'll figure it out. Thanks so much for your help and comment:)

Update 5:

Chae- Damn lol you sure wrote a lot:) thanks for your critique:) i rewrote the entire thing, and am almost done with my first chapter:)

7 Answers

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  • Chae
    Lv 4
    9 years ago
    Best Answer

    Awww, the first sentence totally drew me in... Knowing you (and only because of what I've seen from you), awesome stuff is going to happen later ;D What a melancholy start. I want to read more!

    Super-focused editing time!:

    It was the sun that caused(made?) her to miss her boyfriend. The warmth she felt on the back of her neck compared to his lips on her cheek (I don't hate this sentence as such, but I think you could write it with more 'oomph'. 'The warmth she felt of its rays against the back of her neck was nothing compared to his tender lips against her cheek'). Even though she lay (was lying? had lain down? Not sure...somehow 'lay' just doesn't sound right) on her back in a sea of grass it still wasn’t the same (Not...very sure...of how a sea of grass helps...- love the imagery of a 'sea' of grass though). Her legs itched but it wasn't the same itch that she had felt when "they" would lay on "their" sea of grass and gaze up at the clouds(oh, it sort of makes sense now - ignore the previous comment). The bus honked a couple of times. She opened her eyes and stood. (Is the bus meant to startle her out of her thoughts? Or break the silence? I don't know ;D Just thinking out loud) Strands of auburn (ooh pretty) hair whipped across her face and she nearly lost her balance (But how, and why? Did she lose her balance just from hair whipping across her face? Sounding a bit fragile, poor girl). As she spat hair out of her mouth she watched as Gracie walked(if you're going for the 'as simple as possible approach' don't worry bout it, but you could always use something other than walked ;D Flounced? Bounded? Strode with purpose?) towards the bus. Gracie (Here! Here is your chance to describe Gracie instead of using her name! 'The blonde turned and returned her gaze with an unfriendly stare...' something like that) turned around and returned her stare but it wasn’t a friendly stare. Gracie (She, instead of Gracie here?) flipped her hair and curled her fingers into a fist behind her back (you could even describe what her back looks like...). Her middle finger straightened from her fist (well if it's your intention to make us dislike her from our first impression of her/or want to know what makes her hate our girl so much, you've succeeded ;) ) and she disappeared up the stairs. Well, she thought to herself, at least she acknowledged me. (I know that people are going to give you an 'o_o' expression at this. How do you differentiate thought from normal prose? Do you put the thoughts in italics? Do you put it between quotation marks?) Somehow, she knew that she would have more problems to worry about during summer camp than a broken heart. (This sentence would look great in a new paragraph ;D)

    No idea why Gracie is mad at her D: ...am I slow?

    Happy writing~ I'm a description junkie, so this may be a biased view but...YOU SHOULD ADD MORE DESCRIPTION~ <3 The overall tone is quite nice, I felt calm while reading (not that it didn't pique my interest)

    xxChae

    Edit: (I've made about 4 edits already but anywho...) Gosh, I keep thinking back to this and turning it into a gory violent story. Like all the jealousy and bitterness building up between the two (and maybe even others) will grow into this massive blood-fest (or some other kind of disturbing business)...

    I don't trust innocent looking scenes anymore, after watching some pretty disturbing animes...

    'Are you pregnant? You slept with him didn't you? You slut!' She beat at the limp girl with her fists, vengeance glowing in her already mad eyes.

    There was no answer. She was already unconscious, her purple face beaten into a swollen mess with barely recognizable features, her limbs splayed around her at unnatural angles.

    She shrieked in rage when there was no response, 'I...I'll find out for myself then!' A long curved knife was pulled out from its bloody sheath. 'I'll cut you open and find out!' Her words were nothing but mad raving, but in her bitterness, the idea seemed to be an apt one. She plunged the knife i-

    I'm thinking too much, aren't I? :|

  • ?
    Lv 4
    9 years ago

    I really like this :) The descriptions are well done and it flows very nicely. My only suggestion is to try to mix up when you use names. It got a little repetitive through this passage:

    "As she spat hair out of her mouth she watched as Gracie walked towards the bus. Gracie turned around and returned her stare but it wasn’t a friendly stare. Gracie flipped her hair and curled her fingers into a fist behind her back."

    Maybe change "Gracie" to "she" somewhere in there? It's just a suggestion, use it how you will ^.^ Still, I really liked it. Great work!

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    Your grammar, vocabulary and structure need work. Try throwing in some adverbs and adjectives to avoid blandness. It seems like you need to practice writing dialogue, internal or otherwise. Try studying dialogue and go from there. Corrections are below.

    It was the sun that caused her to miss her boyfriend. The warmth she felt on the back of her neck compared to his lips on her cheek. Even though she lain on her back in a sea of grass, it still wasn't the same. Her legs itched, but it wasn't the same itch that she had felt when "they" would lie on "their" sea of grass and gaze up at the clouds. (If I were you, I'd rework the last sentence of this paragraph, but I'm not going to.)

    The bus honked a couple of times. She opened her eyes and stood. She nearly lost her balance as strands of auburn hair whipped across her face. As she spat hair out of her mouth, she watched as Gracie walked towards the bus. Gracie turned around and returned her stare, but it wasn't a friendly stare. Gracie flipped her hair and curled her fingers into a fist behind her back. Her middle finger straightened from her fist and she disappeared up the stairs.

    "Well," <character's name> thought, "at least she acknowledged me."

    Somehow she knew that she would have more problems to worry about during summer camp than a broken heart.

    Edit: I keep editing this post and I feel like I've taken too much time to edit this short text. I'm ignoring any mistakes I missed.

  • Paul S
    Lv 6
    9 years ago

    I liked it. You write in complete thoughts and you use words correctly. You need to work on your punctuation and you don't have many descriptive passages but you have promise.

    I would suggest that you read as much as you can. Most writers will tell you that they read as much as they write.

    When you find a book that you like, re-read it a second time. See how the author puts the story together. See how he/she uses words and structures sentences. Note how the author moves the story along and makes transitions.

    Writing is a learning process and you can learn a lot from other writers. Also, ask your English teacher to read what you've written and make suggestions. Most teachers are happy to assist students who have taken an interest in writing.

    I wish you well.

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  • I'm not a fan of the first few sentences, but it's a beautiful comparison nonetheless! :) I think you should cut to more of the action which, *I think* you do very well. It's not ninja action, but it's action ;-)

    Anyway, once you get to the bus honking, I think that's your hook. But you know what to do =)

    ~Silly Turtle

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    good job, see i'm not all that mean, you can do something i cant describe the wind for a paragraph lol good job. i would change the grace twice in the row, grace shook her hair, grace stood up part, but thats just me.

    good job tho would read on!

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    I love it, it's a really good start!

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