Depressed, suicidal, doomed. I don't know how to get help: help me?
I have been generally depressed now for about 5 years however in the last 18 months-2 years I have been really unable to function. I struggle to sleep, wake up early, feel constantly tired and as if even the most simple of things are a real struggle. I have very low appetite (though probably linked with a history of eating disorder) My motivation has plummeted within the last 18 months, seriously impacting on my college work. I feel constantly helpless and generally unable to experience any pleasure. In the past 6 months or so thoughts of suicide and killing myself have become a daily occurance and most nights i ponder the different ways i can achieve this and plan and make considerations about my passing. Reassuringly the truth is i havent the desire to do anything, not even kill myself. Its all too much of an effort and too proactive for me to manage so I probably won't do it.
I visited a GP last summer and he was very unhelpful, confiding and reaching out for help come very difficult for me so naturally beeing turned away (atleast that is how i saw it) was bad. In the last year, because i havent got any better, i havee just got worse and the idea of dieing just seems immanent and a non-too distant realitity to me now.
I want to go to a doctor again but i know i will mess it up again, i will just sound unconvincing and flipant (because i don't really want help (bizarely) and because i just dont know how to confide inpeople, let alone a stranger)
I have no family support and because i am good at hiding (or the people who do know something is wrong, because im so good at making subjects unraisable) my friends don't/can't help me. I've just alienated myself from people and some of my very closest friends have abandoned me because they just think i don't care.
Because i didn't turn up to any of my exams last summer my college know i wasn't right and actually reccomended i make an appointment with a doctor and get a doctors note in order to apply to my exam boards to get my predicted grades. But because i ****** up seeing a doctor i got an entirely inadequette doctors note so wasnt worth applying....anyway there was no follow up from anyone at my college. Again i just think the tutors who actually care just know that i don't want to talk about these things so don't.
My life is looking really hopeless, i am doing the exams i missed last summer this summer again. I am from a very socially and economically deprived broken family who aren't to support me emotionally or financially so it is very important i do these exams. But i just think the same thing is happpening all over again and i will just crumble and not do them. I think i need somehting to help me through them and make them seem possible. All my life i have only had myself to rely on and i don't even have that anymore. I can't even relate to what i used to be like, motivated, 'hardy personality' ambitious, driven, competitive. If i can't find myself again i am literally just alone and isolated with no way out. I really can't live like that, especially when i don't have the luxery of financial security or support and can barely afford to eat. ok im rambling now...
I don't really know what im asking actually, just..help??? i guess. Oh and im 19 and male if that helps.
Thankyou for reading.