Why should I stay alive? How can I find a reason to live?

When I was ten, I first tried to kill myself. I was sexually abused, my family was falling apart, I was losing faith in God, I was bullied at school, and nothing in the world made sense anymore. After a couple failed attempts, I resolved to stop - I knew that I was being selfish. I resolved to live for my family,... show more When I was ten, I first tried to kill myself. I was sexually abused, my family was falling apart, I was losing faith in God, I was bullied at school, and nothing in the world made sense anymore. After a couple failed attempts, I resolved to stop - I knew that I was being selfish. I resolved to live for my family, in order to not hurt them, even if I couldn't find a reason to live for myself.

11 years later, I still haven't found a reason. I completely lost my faith. I was raped in college. I still have to drink or drug myself to sleep at night. I have a wonderful boyfriend, but doesn't fix anything.

I'm still alive, and I think I can hang on longer for them. But the pain is overwhelming sometimes. I feel alone, and my life feels like its without meaning. What can I do?

I've tried reconnecting with the church dozens of times. I try to believe in God...but just can't pretend anymore.

I do volunteer work, lead advocacy organizations. My career path is dedicated to service. I know I do good work. But I feel alone and hollow. I have no goals, no real drive or desire to wake up everyday. How can I find a reason to live?
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