Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 10 years ago

Does this sound good or not as the beginning of my prologue?

When I was five and my father had finally decided I was old enough to ride a horse on my own, with Cole always tagging along of course, the green-eyed stable boy had decided it was time for him to make his presence known. My horse, Whisper, was still new to my touch, as I had just gotten him a few weeks ago for my birthday. He reared as soon as my hands laid themselves against his soft nose, and I fell backwards, completely terrified. Cole was still in the castle, his tutor holding him back for a little while; my father had decided that, even if I was to be Queen, my husband would be the one to hold the knowledge to rule the kingdom. And just as I thought I would die, Whisper’s hooves barely missing my milky-white skin, Andrew stood in front of me, his hands held towards the frightened horse, showing it he meant no harm. As soon as my horse was back to his huffing and gentle pawing, Andrew turned around to look at me curiously, his green eyes holding a golden sparkle in them. With a wide grin, he reached down, offering his hand to me. I took it, ignoring the blush that started to creep along my jaw line, and held my head high. When I was upright and on my feet, our hands remained within each others, completely forgotten. But when his eyes narrowed questioningly, he removed his hand, reaching out towards my cheek. I drew backwards, but his hand was faster, the tanned skin standing out drastically against my own snowy skin. His hand drifted along my cheek gently, before he pulled back, the tips of his fingers stained scarlet. Stunned, I lifted my own hand to my cheek, wincing when the stinging pain finally hit me. I could feel my eyes water slightly, reacting to my childish embarrassment and slight pain.

Andrew frowned, grabbing my hand again, before cheerfully saying, “C’mon! William can patch that right up for you!”

And before I could say a thing, the boy had already started pulling me through the streets, weaving through the rest of the peasants. It was market day, and as we ran through the streets, I ran into a few people. They’d turn around, ready to scowl and tell me off, but as soon as they’d seen my kingdom’s seal, they’d shut their mouths and return to their business. No one dared tell the Princess of the royal DeVie family to watch where they were going, even if she was running around with a stable boy that always got in trouble whenever his father wasn’t looking.

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Please and Thank-You! =]

Update:

The first parts supposed to happen in the stables, so I'll add that. Sorry for the confusion xD

And thanks for they synonym... I was trying to find one, but couldn't think of it =]

1 Answer

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  • Karen
    Lv 4
    10 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    1) why was she riding a horse in the street? wouldn't she be in the countryside or something, especially if she was inexperianced.

    2) "his hand was faster, the tanned skin standing out drastically against my own snowy skin." i think u used skin too much here. I suggest replacing one with complexion

    3) other than those two things, this is legit AMAZING. The idea of forbidden love never gets old, and it sounds like it will be a fun, never bland, story to read:D especially if you write to the max of your writing talents, and you look very talented:D

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