Im 17, i have no friends, Im ugly and I think im gay, I need serious advice and help please?
First thing is, I dont have any friends. I have tried hard to make friends in school, but noone wants to know me or cares for me. I feel a lot of the time, people just ignore me and hate me, it hurts. I have been going to this school for 5 years, and Since I went there I havent made any friends. Its hard because all the time I feel lonely and I always feel I have nothing to do with anyone and get bored all the time. In school, people just dont want to know me so I am always by myself, but people verbally bully me and call me a loner because of this, even though I dont want to be alone.Also in class, if I say something people verbally say things to me and slag me and its not nice, so I just say nothing now. I find it hard to talk with people, I have lost all the confidence in myself. I feel if I try and talk with someone, they dont want me there, plus I feel noone else in school has the same interests as me. I just want a good friend that I can have fun with and talk with.
Another problem I have is the way I look, I feel i look so ugly, I hate looking at myself, I feel I have this huge nose and horrible hair just look disgusting and everyone else just looks nice and good looking, i find it hard, I also feel its why I have no friends, because noone wants to be around me. I have heard people commenting saying ''i look weird'' and people just laugh at the way I look, and it hurts, but I dunno what to do or how to make myself better looking, im just really ugly but I dont want to be.
Lastly, but my biggest problem, I think i am gay, but I dont want to be. I really dont. I have dreamed of being with a girl and having children and looking after them, but I have never been attracted to women. I am also not attracted to every guy, but there is one guy I have felt something towards him for nearly two years. I dunno, just whenever I see him I feel something in my heart that no words can explain, I feel I just want to hug him and kiss him, and just share my life with him and care for him. I dream that some day I can live with him and maybe adopt a child with him.
I have known him for 3 years, 2 years ago we sat beside each other in class for a year, and I guess I got to know him and he was a really cool, good looking, sporty and smart guy and I really liked him, I guess I looked up to him, and then the next year we changed class groups and I realized I really missed him and wished I could spend more time with him, so I tried my best to befriend him, but I am so shy, its hard for me. Next we went on a school trip, and one day I sat down for dinner with some people from school who got up soon after I sat down, and this guy made room beside him for me to sit with him and talk with him, which was really sweet and it touched me. I really liked that, no other person has ever done something like that for me before.
I began thinking about him a lot, and my feelings really grew for him, I have such strong emotional and sexual feeling (sounds a bit dirt i know). Whenever I see him, i feel just this happiness inside , that no other person has ever made me feel, just knowing he's near me makes me happy, I just dream of sharing my life with him and becoming friends with him. I think of him every day. Its a year on since that trip now, Ive thought of him every day since and everyday the feelings get stronger. We dont see each other though as much as we only have 1 class together, but when I am there, its just really nice. We dont talk to each other a lot, just maybe he would say Hi to me and stuff. I just wish I was closer to him. I wish I could tell him my feelings for him,but I am not close enough to tell him. I am afraid if I tell him he would freak and tell his friends and it would spread and I would get hurt and bullied for being gay. I dont want that, and I dont want to scare him or make school uncomfortable for him. I just feel he is the closest person to me, and he is so beautiful and caring and touching and the type of person I would like to share my life with. I dream of being able to live with him some day in a house near the beach and have a small family and to care for each other and stuff.
He has really touched me, but it hurts to think of him and not able to tell him.
I dont know what to do about all this, but its really getting me down, and I am finding it hard to handle, I am finishing school next year, and I am afraid after I will never see him again, that thought makes me cry. I really like him no words can explain it. I just wish I knew what to do.
I just need help and advice for all this, anything that can help. Its really emotional for me