If I had magic power請高手幫我修改演講稿

If I had magicpower, I would use it to change the dark and brutal world. I will do all I canto make the world a nicer and warmer place. Nowadays,people are getting more and more impolite. I have read news about a boy not offeringhis seat to an old man. Not only did the boy refused to offer his seat, butalso had a fight with the old man. Everyone knows that we should always giveout seats to people in need. But, it seems like some people are just tooselfish to do that. So, if I had magic power, the first thing I want to do isto change people’s mind. I want to make those cold people have a warm heart, sothat everyone would be willing to help each other, and the society could befilled with love and peace. Thesecond thing I would like to do is to eliminate all the lies in the world.There was one time I was at a night market with my family. A beggar came to myfather to ask for some money. My father said no to the beggar politely. I wasconfused because I know my dad was not a stingy person, but why didn’t he givethe beggar money? My father told me later, “Beggars are not all poor people;instead, some of them are quite rich. Some even drive a Mercedes Benz.” I wasshocked by the fact that some beggars use our compassion to cheat for money.Also, I realized that people tend to be cold and selfish is because they don’twant to be cheated. As a result, if I had magic power, I would make peoplenever lie again, so that our kindness would not be in vain and the world wouldbecome friendlier. Althoughit is impossible for me to have magic power, it is not impossible to make theworld better. If all of us are more considerate, more compassionate, and moregenerous, I believe we can still make the world a nice place to live in.

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  • 9 years ago
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    低逃嫻大大您好: If I have the ability to use magic(我改了這裡是因為用if I had magic power聽起來有點幼稚), I would use my power to become the beautifier (美化者) of the world and terminate its darkness into luminosity (光明). (兩個句子可以濃縮)(假如我有能力可以使用魔法的話,我會利用我的力量,成為世界的美化者,將世界的黑暗轉為光明。) Nowadays, people are becoming ruder and brusquer. I’ve read articles about a boy not offering his seat to an old man and ironically ending up assaulting him. It is a general knowledge that we should always offer seats to people in need. But it seems like parts of the community are just too selfish to do such a simple thing. (我改了people是因為你使用太多次了) Therefore, if I have the ability to use magic, the first thing I want to do is to change their minds. I want to change those apathetic people into having a warm heart, so that everyone would be willing to help each other, then the society would result in harmony. (filled with love對於老師來說有點俗) The second thing I would like to do is to eliminate all the lies in the world. There was one time I was at a night market with my family. A beggar came to my father to ask for some money. My father politely refused the beggar. I was confused because I know my dad was not a stingy person, but why didn’t he give the beggar money? My father told me later, “Beggars are not all poor people; instead, some of them are quite rich. Some even own (英文比較常用own a car而不是drive a car) a Mercedes Benz.” I was shocked by the fact that some beggars use our compassion to swindle their money. I also learnt that people tend to be cold and selfish because they don’t want to be deceived. Therefore, if I have the ability to use magic, I would make everyone to be honest with each other, so that our kindness would not be in vain and the world would become friendlier. Although it is impossible for me to use magic, it is possible to make the world a better place. If all of us are more considerate, more compassionate, and more generous, I strongly believe that we can make the world a nice place to live in.

    2011-04-06 17:11:33 補充:

    小建議:

    您的作文整體架構不錯,introduction(引言)、body paragraphs和conclusion(總結)都很到位。不過要注意的是不要重複使用同一個字,推薦您到www.thesaurus.com 查詢同意字。假如我是您的老師的話,我會給您個B-,因為文章深度與新鮮度不夠,形容詞太過於幼稚。要怎麼加強的話,建議您常讀ABC英語新聞,把好的文章架構複製到word上面每天背頌。

    2011-04-06 17:11:45 補充:

    Introduction (第一段/引序)

    第一句:敘述現今社會的墮落、黑暗之處,越黑越好,但不要太誇張。

    第二句:我會在這裡寫上一個最近跟社會動亂有關的時事(像是恐怖攻擊)。

    第三句:就在狀況最危急的時候,一個超人出現了!他把嫌犯全部都逮捕,移送法辦…

    第四句:可惜的是,這一切都是在電影裡出現的東西…

    第五句:假如我會使用魔法… (套上修改的第一段)

    2011-04-06 17:12:00 補充:

    Body Paragraph 1 (第二段/主要段落1)

    第一句:我們所生活的這個世界不是完美的,總是有些人比較自私,但是現在,自私的人越來越多…

    在這之後套上第二段I’ve read articles…之後的那些。

    Body Paragraph 2 (第三段/主要段落2)

    第一句:謊言是不可避免的,但是過於使用謊言來欺騙大眾是不可原諒的…

    後面加上第三段The second thing….

    (小叮嚀:有沒有發現我都多加了一個句子?這句子叫做Topic Sentence或稱Introducing sentence,這能幫助讀者融入這個段落,這樣才不會太唐突,讓讀者想說:蛤?話題跳這麼快幹麻

    2011-04-06 17:12:10 補充:

    Conclusion (第四段/總結)

    總結要越簡短越好,所以我就不加什麼了。

    Source(s): 我+牛津字典
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