低逃嫻大大您好： If I have the ability to use magic(我改了這裡是因為用if I had magic power聽起來有點幼稚), I would use my power to become the beautifier (美化者) of the world and terminate its darkness into luminosity (光明). (兩個句子可以濃縮)(假如我有能力可以使用魔法的話，我會利用我的力量，成為世界的... Nowadays, people are becoming ruder and brusquer. I’ve read articles about a boy not offering his seat to an old man and ironically ending up assaulting him. It is a general knowledge that we should always offer seats to people in need. But it seems like parts of the community are just too selfish to do such a simple thing. (我改了people是因為你使用太多次了) Therefore, if I have the ability to use magic, the first thing I want to do is to change their minds. I want to change those apathetic people into having a warm heart, so that everyone would be willing to help each other, then the society would result in harmony. (filled with love對於老師來說有點俗) The second thing I would like to do is to eliminate all the lies in the world. There was one time I was at a night market with my family. A beggar came to my father to ask for some money. My father politely refused the beggar. I was confused because I know my dad was not a stingy person, but why didn’t he give the beggar money? My father told me later, “Beggars are not all poor people; instead, some of them are quite rich. Some even own (英文比較常用own a car而不是drive a car) a Mercedes Benz.” I was shocked by the fact that some beggars use our compassion to swindle their money. I also learnt that people tend to be cold and selfish because they don’t want to be deceived. Therefore, if I have the ability to use magic, I would make everyone to be honest with each other, so that our kindness would not be in vain and the world would become friendlier. Although it is impossible for me to use magic, it is possible to make the world a better place. If all of us are more considerate, more compassionate, and more generous, I strongly believe that we can make the world a nice place to live in.
2011-04-06 17:11:33 補充：
您的作文整體架構不錯，introduction(引言)、body paragraphs和conclusion(總結)都很到位。不過要注意的是不要重... 查詢同意字。假如我是您的老師的話，我會給您個B-，因為文章深度與新鮮度不夠，形容...
2011-04-06 17:11:45 補充：
2011-04-06 17:12:00 補充：
Body Paragraph 1 (第二段/主要段落1)
在這之後套上第二段I’ve read articles…之後的那些。
Body Paragraph 2 (第三段/主要段落2)
後面加上第三段The second thing….
(小叮嚀：有沒有發現我都多加了一個句子？這句子叫做Topic Sentence或稱Introducing sentence，這能幫助讀者融入這個段落，這樣才不會太唐突，讓讀者想說：蛤？話...
2011-04-06 17:12:10 補充：