would you please read my storymash.com story and tell me the pros and cons of it?

please tell me what i did right and wrong i just joind the site and i have a few more ideas for short stories.

http://storymash.com/u/eltonjew/demenafu/

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  • 10 years ago
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    EDITED VERSION

    A figure stands, "you feeling lucky punk" it was said with a slightly deep, Gruff voice.

    "You sure"? His voice was sarcastic. "FINE THEN!"

    "POW!"

    "Sorry but I warned you"

    He reaches for the light switch.

    The lights come on and across from the figure stands a mirror, which shows the true appearance of the figure.

    A small skinny white boy about 5ft 5, blonde bed head, wearing only a pair of boxers of Abercrombie design.

    He held his left hand in a shape of a gun.

    Yeah I thought that much said the skinny boy.

    <(I forgot to mention his name is Michael LOL)>

    His eyes fixed on a potted plant he imagined to be the head school jock Rick.

    His mirror also revealed not just himself but the majority of his room.

    A messy unmade bed and on his bed the latest issue of otaku UAS magazine.

    On his floor a blue and red carpet, on it two Nintendo DS's one bright red and another plain black

    The walls a creamy colour with several art prints one of a chimpanzee wearing headphones named monkey headphone, another an iconic picture of two lesbians kissing the name of which is unknown.

    Michael goes over to his window blind and pulls it up.

    "Looks like today is going to be another good day for Orlando"

    With the pretend gruffness in his voice disappeared

    Suddenly a glare of bright light shone in through the window from the 7:10AM sun giving light to his dark blonde hair.

    And out of nowhere a voice coming from a couple of meters outside the room calls.

    "Michael! What was that shouting?”

    Michael sprints to the door and responds

    "I err-ah stubbed my toe bad on the bed"

    The voice responding, "well hurry up and get you’re breakfast"

    "**** RIGHT" he runs over and sits on the bed with his jeans in hand and rolls on his back with his two legs in his jeans while he pulls his jeans on his waste.

    He jumps of the bed, grabs and rushes on a t-shirt, which reads: ‘video games have ruined my life thankfully I have 2 more’, and has a picture of two red hearts and one blackened out heart.

    He puts on socks of two different colours, sticks on his socks and runs out his bedroom door.

    _______________

    Changed some of your spelling, always read through it before you submit it anywhere. Hope this helped!

    Mine?

    http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Al...

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