Dialog Tips (screenwriting)?

so this is an excerpt from a script I'm writing. I just copied and pasted it from Final Draft, so the format and casing looks odd, but try and read it anyway. Cox, man, woman, adam, and greg are characters, so if any of those words are on a line, alone, it's a character. I'm looking for dialog tips. thanks in advance :)

int. foyer - day

Cox and the couple walk out of the interview room and into the foyer.

MAN

Well we'll definitely consider it.

woman

You have quite the selection, Mr. Cox.

cox

Well I'm glad you enjoyed talking with my children.

woman

What's your first name by the way?

cox

I don't wanna talk about it.

woman

Okay...

MAN

So how about our selection, honey?

woman

Oh, yes!

(sarcastically)

Well it's a pretty hard choice... That boy, Greg... He's a charmer!

They all laugh.

cut to:

int. living room - day

adam

Dude, Greg, they're talking about you!

greg

What!? They're making fun of me!?

adam

No, no! They're laughing!

greg

They're making fun of me!?

adam

No! They just called you a charmer!

greg

They're making fun of m-

adam

(cutting Greg off)

Greg, that's a compliment! Just stop!

Short pause for comedic effect as Greg thinks.

greg

Are you making fun of me?

adam

Greg! Be quiet so I can listen.

Adam watches the couple inventively.

greg

(sad, and mumbling)

You're making fun of me.

adam

Shhhh.

Update:

They all live in a foster home. Cox is Mr. Cox, the foster parent of Adam (and other characters who aren't in this scene) and Greg's real father. The couple had just interviewed all of the orphans for adoption, and they are discussing their decision. Adam tried to act like an overachiever to impress the couple, and he is wearing a too-small suit and a clip-on tie he found from when he was 9. So, he's eager to find out if he's getting adopted and he's eavesdropping. The living room and the foyer (a foyer is the area where the front door is) are connected, so he can see them.

and this isn't one of those sad foster homes that are supported by charity, it's like upper-middle class, and they've lived there for years. All the kids (teens) are friends, and Mr. Cox is a pedophile (which is why he became a foster parent)

And as a running gag through the series (this is a web series with 10-15 minute episodes) is that Cox's last name is somewhat perverted, and he's too embarrassed of his first

Update 2:

@meat

Thanks for the tips, but I don't need the script to look professional, because I'm also directing, acting, and doing the cinematography. My friends are the actors and this is for an online web series. So basically, I'm only looking for dialog tips or changes that will make a difference in the final product (the video). But again, I appreciate the tips. I could use them for my more professional work, and the "dude, greg" advice in this.

2 Answers

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  • meat
    Lv 7
    9 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Take out the 'cut to'

    "Dude, Greg" is bad writing - use either dude or Greg, but not both.

    Take out the "(cutting Greg off)" - it's redundant.

    "Short pause for comedic effect as" is bad writing. Come up with a better action line.

    Change "(sad, and mumbling)" to be either one or the other. You don't need both. I'd take out the "mumbling" and let the actor and director decide how to play it.

    Source(s): I'm a screenwriter.
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  • Anonymous
    4 years ago

    sturdy communique is short sentences. There are no longer any wasted words. in case you are able to say the comparable component in fewer words do it. occasion: "properly, Jack, i assume it's time to circulate to the prepare station and meet Mary." extra suitable communicate. "Jack, time to fulfill Mary on the prepare station."

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