I hate God...what God of love would let these things happen?
I AM MISERABLE. As people already know emotional problems ares something the people deal with each day but mine are extremely powerful. I am completely out of control. I let my circumstances dictate my emotions all the time. So what was there to do?
PRAY. Oh and how I did pray that God would deliver me from the emotion pain I have been feeling. My parents thin that I am a rebellious 17 year old who want to do whatever she wants and will not listen to them. That is not true...I WANT to do great things for God and I have left all ungodly things behind so I can serve him with my life. They think that I don;t want to listen to them and that I CAN control my anger and my will.
I cry so much, everyday.There is not a day I don't because I fail at controlling my emotions and even when I pray to God and have faith that he will , he doesn't.
Tonight was my breaking point. I am ANGRY at God. I hate God. I don't want to serve him any longer. He just loves to see me be this way. God is just playing games with me. Oh, but how I wanted to serve him and how I wanted to please him. My pride and my anger get in the way all the time. I asked God to reveal if anything was wrong in my life because he won't answer my prayers. I even told him to tear down any pride in me. I don't think anyone had every experienced emotional stress like this ever. I have been a problem ever since I was a small child. Doctors tried to diagnose me with Bipolar, ADHD and so on. I know it's not that...or God would of already helped me right?
I have a hard time pleasing my parents because they make so many assumptions about me. In the bible it says to obey your parents but their decisions to me are not valid. They are always against my plans. I explain calmly that I need to pray about certain situations and that I am trying to make them happy but I struggle everyday. I don't drink, party, do drugs, hang out much but they only thing they want me to do it take all the advice they have because THEY ARE RIGHT. They say "your prideful and you don't even see it."
"When your 18 your going to be out and have a hard life."
"Don't you see what wrong with your thinking!!?"
"You will never change."
"Don't tell me you can't stop crying, you can!"
"I'm not here to hear you opinions."
I am to obey my parents and that's that but I struggle so hard to just say "Okay" even when all their assumptions are WRONG about me. I try so hard to make them happy...SO HARD. It will never happen. It is impossible. I WANT to do the right thing. It's such a deep desire of mine0. I strive for perfection even when I can't achieve it. Thing need to go my way all the time. I sweat the small stuff.
I am pitted against my own family. Everyone is against me. I am the problem and maybe they are right, I am a problem. Why am I here on earth? I am just here to make the people around me suffer. I hate my life, I hate God, he will not intervene. I am so sad, I really can't take life anymore. I will never be the christian God wants me to be. I just don't have the strength to do it and when I do ask for his strength he never helps me. I have a bad attitude and I will never even be anything to anyone in this life. Does God really love me? I mean is there really a GOD??
I'[m not so sure anymore..I'm so fed up of him.