people say my intro doesn't seem interesting and i tryed hard. plz help?

Jean sat crossed legged hugging herself. No amount of alcohol or dancing could drag her out of her misery. She thought about Johnny again, all the memories they shared was unbearable. She missed the way he looked at her and the way he ran his fingers through her hair. She suddenly saw Catherine’s face and remembered the pain she brought into her life by all the lies. ‘Don’t think about them,’ she thought to herself.

Lilet grabbed Jean by her upper arm and tried to pull her onto the dance floor. The music was loud it boomed through the speakers making everyone yell if they wanted to talk. “Dance with me Jean!” Lilet yelled.

Jean shook her head. “Later! Go ahead!” Jean yelled back.

Lilet looked down at her irritated. “Fine!”

She watched Lilet jumping around in her tight black pants. She was as shy as she was but just like her, alchol brought out the worst in her as well. Lilet was glad to see Jean again giving her the perfect reason to hit the clubs again. As a teen she spent weekends in Manila and came back to her small province for her classes. Jean looked around and noticed a group of guys toasting at the bar. They grinned at her as she looked away shyly hoping they wouldn’t ask her to dance.

(rewrite this for the better and win)

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  • 9 years ago
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    Jean sat crossed legged, with puffy eyes, hugging herself and swaying to her own sad rhythm. It seemed that no amount of alcohol or dancing could drag her out of her misery. She thought about Johnny again, all of the memories they shared... It was almost unbearable. Missing the loving way he looked at her and the way that he ran his tender fingers through her hair moved into a gut wrenching feeling when she pictured that snot Catherine’s face. She remembered the pain she brought into her life with all of her twisted lies. “Don’t think about them,” she thought; with pressed lips as she wiped her eyes again.

    Lilet grabbed Jean by her upper arm and tried to pull her onto the dance floor. The loud music booming through the speakers was forcing everyone to yell. “Dance with me Jean!” Lilet tugged on her arm some more.

    “Dance? How could I ever, at a time like this?” Jean asked herself, shaking her head and trying not to show these forlorn emotions. “Later! Go ahead!”

    Lilet stared down at her, with narrow eyes and an irritable expression. “Fine!”

    Wondering if she would ever be the same again, she watched Lilet jumping around in her tight, black pants. Although just as shy as she was, it seemed that alcohol brought out the worst in her.

    Lilet was glad to see Jean again though. It gave her the perfect reason to hit the clubs. As a teen, she spent weekends in Manila and came back to her small province for her classes.

    Jean looked around until she noticed a group of partying guys, toasting at the bar. They grinned at her, but she shied away; hoping they would not ask her to dance.

    That might give you a boost, but you have got a long way to go before this type of thing becomes interesting. Do your research on realistic dialogue, descriptions, grammar, paragraphing, and general fiction writing.

  • It's a violation of the community guidelines to have a gazillion profiles, you know, Jane/Elaine/whatever this alter-ego is.

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