Opinions of my prologue?

Thanks :]

The woman staggered clumsily from the pub, completely unaware as she pushed aside the gates to the cemetery and wandered into it's creepy grasp. Mist hung in the air, blinding her view even more.

The ground beneath her bare feet was slimy because of the rain just hours before, and she sat upon a huge headstone, staring at her surroundings.

The cup of wine she held in her hands sloshed over the rim and splattered against the mud.

She didn't notice the beating of wings, the jet black feathers fluttering in the harsh breeze. Only when she looked up to see the boy her feelings began to come back to her, but the alcohol had confused her mind. She mentally screamed at herself to run, but her body stayed put as the blonde slowly made his way towards her, the moonlight highlighting his handsome face.

He was shirtless, only covered up by black jeans. His eyes showed something of remorse and guilt, and when he stood a mere three feet away, he looked down on the woman.

"What's your name?" He whispered, closing his eyes as his breaths became more rapid.

A couple of seconds passed by before she finally processed what he had said, and noticed the huge, black wings on his back. They were beautiful, and she imagined them as soft as lavender.

But normal people don't have wings.

Her hands began to tremble as she jolted upright, staggering away as fast as she possibly could as fear passed through her.

She didn't think to scream, and the boy grabbed her wrist and pulled her against another rotten headstone, his face looked pained.

"Your name?" He ordered quietly, and she whimpered.

"Belle. Belle Vanley." She cried, struggling in his tight grasp.

His eyes pricked with tears, and he brushed back her curly blonde locks. "I'm so sorry Belle, but I have to see her, I can't let her go again." In an instant, his hands encircled her pale white skin.

And he snapped her neck.

2 Answers

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  • 9 years ago
    Best Answer

    It's ok, but could easily be made better. You are over-writing; using way too many adjectives. Why does the cemetery have a grasp and why is it creepy? Mist hung in the air obscuring her vision, not blinding her. It's night, there's no lights mentioned, there doesn't seem to be any moonlight, so if it's that dark she wouldn't see the mist anyway.

    Some realisms you should consider: If it was that dark, even a drunk would think to take a light along, wouldn't they? Alchohol can make you stupid but she would still need some type of reasoning for wandering into a cemetery alone in the dark. Have her looking for the bathroom or outhouse and wander into the cemetery. Why did the pub owner let her take his cup? Without some light source she shouldn't have been able to see bird-boy. Why would she walk outside in the mud without shoes? Is this set a few centuries back when shoes weren't worn in the warmer months? If so, then why does bird-boy have jeans on? Her feelings didn't come back to her, her senses did, or at least a bit of consciousness.

    You're doing fine, just making rookie mistakes. Keep writing.

  • WOW this is AMAZING!!!!!!!!!

    Seriously i love it! I really want to know what's going to happen next, who's the 'she' that the boy was talking about, and why he killed that woman!

    I all your stories are that good, you're going to become a brilliant author.

    I would definately read this.

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