What do you think of this intro paragraph?

It was the life he lived, a life he loved. He loved her, and her, and both were stolen from him. He tried to recover those loves, to rescue their present for the future. Yet what was stolen from him, his loves and his life, was destroyed in the proverbial blink of an eye. He was destroyed, for now. Until he could avenge this past, their love and his life, he might never live in the future; which is now…

Update:

Hiya June - good to see ur response! The reason I used "It was" is that "It was" refers to past tense, and if would have used "This was," that could imply present tense. Also, I'm trying to avoid passive voice as much as I can on this one. Also, happy to hear you find my start intriguing (and yes, I'm blaming you for inspiring me to write more - LOL!)

Opusqe - many thanks on your comment, and if you e-mail me, I will be happy to share things as I write (same for you June, but then you already knew that). Also Opus, welcome to the B&A category here on Y!A - hope you hang around!

Update 2:

Patience June! The "hers" won't be revealed right away, so for now I will leave i up to ur imagination. But just out of curiosity who do YOU think the "hers" were in this story?

Update 3:

And Opus, ur welcome to join in with further questions, commentary, etc. 8-)

Update 4:

Yes June, I am going to make you wait, only b/c you called me a nasty name (LOL) and it's fun *-)

Update 5:

Greeting to you, Rain!

And thank you for your thoughts! Your comment just gave rise in my imagination on how I want to continue this story.

4 Answers

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  • Rain
    Lv 4
    10 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Your way with words is beautiful. After I read it, I vaguely thought of the beginning of The Tale of Two Cities which is a very high compliment. It's a great intro as I'm sure the rest of the story will be!

  • marjy
    Lv 4
    4 years ago

    This is how I could write it: What do Batman, Superman, and Spiderman all have in traditional? They are all recognized to be heroes. Why is that? Well, it isn't considering that they've superpowers; it is considering that of the truth that all of them have one of the crucial so much traditional heroic features similar to, braveness, intelligence, and selflessness. Any man or woman, giant or small, is usually a hero. All they ought to do is own a few heroic qualites. In the tale, after the primary loss of life, Kate is a man or woman who is heroic features resound for the duration of the radical.

  • ?
    Lv 6
    10 years ago

    It's intriguing, but I don't like the first sentence. Sentences that start with 'it was' always sound wordy to me.

    Maybe, "He loved the life he had lived."?

    Ugh. That doesn't sound quite right either, does it?

    EDIT: LOL! Well, I guess I'll accept the blame for that. :) Darn you! You'd better tell me who the 'hers' are. It's already bugging me!

    EDIT #2: I have no patience. But, I'm thinking the hers are either two daughters (or adoptive type daughters,) or possibly daughter+significant other.

    You're going to make me wait, aren't you? Turd. lol!

  • Anonymous
    10 years ago

    Very well written, my friend! It makes the reader want to read more; I myself am thirsting more. Please, continue this!

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