Should my husband stand up for me against his family?
Hello, I currently live with my husband's family, his father, mother, sister age 15, and brother age 12. I have been with them for almost one year. He actually made me move in with them before he moved here, and so i lived with them from Feb. 2010-Aug 2010 without my husband. During that time I was pregnant and to keep stress down, I did not argue back, but I did tell my husband the things that went on when he was gone. His father put me down because of my weight and I was pregnant, told me he would have his 15 year old daughter take care of my child when she was born, accused me of things I didn't do. Had screaming fits if anything was cooked in his house other than Vietnamese food. He influenced his younger children to be disrespectful to me. My room is located underneath his daughters and they would intentionally stomp and run around when I was trying to rest after working and being pregnant. My husband did nothing to stop it. Now he has moved in, and he treats me like crap, always snapping at me, and then I decided I had enough, and I even went off on his little sister a couple of times when she would get snappy and be completely rude to me, even told me to get out of their home. Yesterday, his sister was playing a game and I was criticizing her because she wasn't trying the right way, but I stopped. I went to change a diaper, and came back and he had been joking with her about the game, so I just made a joke we should video record her. She got mad and I told her I was only joking and I wouldn't say another word. She then cut everything off and told me what I said was bullshit. My husband was sitting right there, and I told him he needed to go correct her, because I felt she should not have talked to me that way. He did nothing, which enraged me, and now he tells me that I have to earn her respect, and I should have apologized to her. I am sick of being belittled and run over, but to him I have to have their respect, but how can they respect me if he doesn't and does not correct them when they do things, and then I end up having enough and go off? Should he be defending me and letting them know that even though I have lost my temper because of the way they treat me, that it is not okay to keep doing it to me?
My husband and I have always had heated arguments, but I believe if we were in our own home, then things would not be as bad as they are. Another example, is last week I bought two 2 liter bottles of Dr Pepper because everyone was craving it and then his dad came home and as soon as he saw it there, and he does by Coke every once in a while, he went off and poured them down the drain. I didn't find this out until after the fact, and I decided to leave that night, because there was no sense in him acting that way. He came down to my room and told me not to leave because he loves his son and grand daughter, but he tries to love me but I do things he hates. I am scared to leave, because I am sure he would call to cops on me for taking our daughter. Last night I asked him if I could just go to my moms with our child for a few weeks and let things settle down until he gets our dry cleaning business going and we can get our own house. He got upset, and told me I could go but I couldn't take
- Anonymous10 years agoFavorite Answer
YES, your husband should stand up for you. He should not leave you to look after yourself, and he certainly should not tell you to "earn" respect before you can have any. It's his job to tell his parents that you are his wife and he will not tolerate any disrespect.
Unfortunately, you cannot MAKE him do the right thing. If this is a Vietnamese family, he probably assumes that his parents are the most important people in his life, and that he has a moral duty to support them (and his siblings) against you. It will be really, really hard for him to reject traditional Vietnamese values and start putting you and your child ahead of his parents and siblings.
I suggest you sit down and discuss your respective values at a time when your in-laws are not present. Tell him that you require basic respect from his family, and that he must back you up, even if this causes an irreparable breach in his family. Tell him that if matters do not improve within (... whatever's a reasonable time. A fortnight?), then you will not live under the same roof as his family, no matter what financial hardship this mgiht cause. Follow through; make clear plans to move yourself and your baby out at your stated deadline.
There is a good chance that he will follow you out, even if resentfully, because the endless conflict is probably distressing to him too. However, be prepared for the possibility that your husband WILL NOT be able to change his values and might sacrifice your marriage rather than annoy his parents.
- IcarusLv 610 years ago
Wow! Listen, I think you are being mistreated by everyone, including your husband. I will not ask why the living arrangements are as they are because I assume there is a good reason you and your husband do not have your own place. But I will ask this question: "Do you think your husband would be acting like he is if you did not live with the in-laws?" If the answer is "No," then I would set a goal to get out of there ASAP. Give your husband a reasonable deadline by which he will provide separate living arrangements so you can get out of their house. But if the answer is "Yes," then I think you have a bigger problem than what you have described. In that case, you need to think about alternative arrangements for you and your child. I would find a level-headed person who can talk with you and help you through this. Trust me: you do not want to live the rest of your life like this!
- Anonymous4 years ago
Your husband cannot support how he feels and he isn't used to how your loved ones does matters. It is not going to get higher so that you higher make a plan. Maybe a deal is so as. You do whatever he wishes you to do and he does whatever you wish him to do. Maybe oftentimes you might pass by myself and he simply comes to your particular days. You ought to aid each and every different and also you selected your husband for higher and for worse. So begin manipulating the challenge. Crying gets you no wherein. Either greenback up and get the challenge in hand or get out. But in case your loved ones is there always and your husband cannot stand it, you're going to ought to make a alternative. I had a hindrance with a bf lengthy in the past and his mom made the choices for the loved ones. She even concept she had the proper to inform me the right way to make investments my cash and we had been simply relationship. That wasn't going to paintings and that used to be the starting of the top. I could not stand it. I'm no longer used to different persons being in my private industry and I certain did not wish an overbearing MIL in my face always. My bf although it used to be simply quality. So I bet it is special strokes for special men and women. Good success.
- Anonymous10 years ago
You have every right to be angry no matter what you are married to him and they shouldnt treat you like crap. He needs to start sticking up for you because your his wife and no one should go through that kind of disrespect. he needs to tell his family that your his wife and they are just going to have to show u respect. if he doesnt do that then see if u can stay over your own family place until he and his family learn to respect you as a women and as part of the family
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- 10 years ago
if you feel like this is a problem then let me tell you....it is. Now, you don't have to satisfy anyone but yourself and your child. So, why won't you have a talk with your husband. Let him know what's bothering you and why they act in such ways. Your a grown adult and i believe they should have talk to you instead of being so childish. If there's no way you can sit down and talk to them....have your husband stand up for you Because if he doesn't the only solution is to leave his house and find yourself a room bedroom apartment or so. He as your husband needs to understand.....if not tell him this DU MA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- InvisibleManLv 710 years ago
I'm old fashioned when it comes to things like this. I stand up for my wife, as all husbands should do. And vice-versa. If your living in your in-laws house, is it possible that he's not standing up for you because he's worries you'll get kicked out? It sounds like they might be the type to hold that over your heads. I don't think anyone should have to put up with constant disrespect.
- Linda RLv 710 years ago
IMMEDIATELY pack your bags and bags for the baby AND move out! Then, file for a divorce and move on with life.
These people had no right to treat you this way and your husband is a total jerk! Plus, he can NOT demand you leave and leave the baby there.
- sunflowersLv 710 years ago
You need to get out of there and move in with your own family members or with a friend. I would try to get loose from all of them. It sounds very stressful to me. If nothing else, try to get counseling where they charge by sliding scale on income. You need a steam release valve.
- Anonymous10 years ago
I hope things work out better for you! I found an article that talks about how to handle the situation! Hope it helps you!
- LindseyLv 410 years ago
Totally! He sounds like a rude dude to me. He should not let his family treat you that way.