I wrote this song? Suggestions?

I feel iffy about this song I wrote :/

Do you like it? Anything I should do differently?

It's the thirtieth of January, you're playing at a show.

You're singing your heart out, I'm dreaming on my pillow.

In my dreams, you pull me aside and lean in closer.

You said "i like you, I think we should be together."

Next Monday, I'm at school, you're with your friends.

I've been going through a hard time, no one understands.

But when I look into those ocean blue eyes, a part of me dies.

My heart jumps up, I feel a smile, everything's alright.

If you only knew what goes through my mind everyday.

If only I had the guts to tell you, before time takes its place.

Do you have a second? This won't take long.

I need to talk to you for a moment, just come along.

It's been hard keeping it a secret.

I can't help myself, I just want to scream it.

Junior year comes by, we're alone in the hallway.

Your at your locker, I'm listening to my music play.

I see your eyes, they're a beautiful ocean blue.

Then I hear: Baby Blue Eyes by A Rocket To The Moon

At that moment I had a chance to ask you that stupid dance.

But I chickened out and now I regret not saying this...

Do you have a second? This won't take long.

I need to talk to you, just come along.

It's been hard keeping it a secret.

I can't help myself, I just want to scream it.

Do you have a second? This won't take long.

I need to talk to you, just come along.

It's been hard keeping it a secret.

I can't help myself, I just want to scream it.

Your eyes are like the ocean.

Your smile is like the sun.

Each time you pass by I hope you're the one.

I try to scream for you, but my mind won't let me.

Now I'm sitting here in this hall...hoping.

Do you have a second? This won't take long.

I need to talk to you, just come along.

It's been hard keeping it a secret.

I can't help myself I just want to scream it.

Do you have a second? This won't take long.

I need to talk to you, just come along.

It's been hard keeping it a secret.

I can't help myself, I just want to scream it.

It's now the fifteenth of January, you're at a show

You're singing your heart out, I'm sitting by the window.

In my heart, I'm singing you this song.

But in my mind, I'm just trying to move along.

7 Answers

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  • 10 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    First off, I'd like to compliment you on it, it's a really great song!

    I really like the beginning and ending and how they tie together.

    I suggest trying to change some words to fit better together and rhyme more. Songs that rhyme just seem to be more clever and catchy. Some words you chose sound kind of like rhymes, but not entirely. So I suggest overlooking that. When the chorus comes by, make the tune something memorable. Sometimes people remember just one like. Like in "Hey, Soul Sister", there's that unforgettable, "Heeeey, heyayayuhay, heyeyeyuhay." It's catchy and it sticks in your head. Try to make at least one line in the chorus like that. For example, "I can't help myself, I just want to scream it", try to come up with a good tune for that. Maybe you could hold "scream" and just try and make the line stick in people's heads. Same goes for the parts, "f you only knew what goes through my mind everyday. If only I had the guts to tell you, before time takes its place." and "At that moment I had a chance to ask you that stupid dance. But I chickened out and now I regret not saying this..." Try and make these memorable lines. The tunes of them could sound the same, and that'd sound great. Listen to Taylor Swift's song, "Hey Stephen". Listen to the lines in her song that say, "Of all the girls, tossin' rocks, at your window, I'll be the one, standing there, even when it's cold" and "Way you walk, way you talk, way you say my name. Beautiful, wonderful, don't you ever change. Notice that she sings those two lines in the same tune. And the tune she uses makes those lines stick out and you remember them. Try and make your two lines like that, the same tune, a memorable tune. Once you finish this song, post yourself singing it on YouTube or something and you'll get great feedback, because it's amazing! But what you'll get out of it, is tips for your next song. Make sure to give us all the link to the video! I'd sure LOVE to hear this song once it's finished. All in all, I just suggest looking over some of your rhyming words and trying to make the tune sound unforgettable. And make it stick in people's heads. The lyrics are great though. I especially like the whole story and beggining/end thing. Wonderful job! I hope I helped! :D

    Source(s): my brain! :D
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  • 10 years ago

    The song has no flow, I think you need to video tape how you want it to be sung, because without rhythm, this fails. Its not even a song. It's more of a Poem.

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  • 10 years ago

    I like the lyrics but it just seems like theres too much of a story goin on. Its more of a poem to me but I love it!

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  • 10 years ago

    I really hope this is sung to the tune of mary had a little lamb cause that is how i sang it to my self and it sounded awesome!:))

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  • 4 years ago

    the lyrics are well on there possess, however you have got to be capable to drift them in combination.... there demands to be one more verse among "all wndering learn how to are living" and "I made the foundations" in order that the music will make feel.

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  • 10 years ago

    <3 AWESOME! If you sing you should put it on YouTube :D

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  • Anonymous
    10 years ago

    It's actually really good, no lie!!

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