Help on scene? I'm new at writing, and I want to know if it sounds average for a teen writer.?

They were in a small confined place, the elevator to be precise. Mickey could see the way she hid her long red curls in her brown hoodie, the arms pushed up to her elbow so you could just see the sleeve of tattoos she had. He couldn’t exactly make out the design but he could tell it was swirly, with little twinkling dots like stars.

Soft music spewed out from hidden speakers, and Mickey found himself humming to the tune. The girl looked up to him with an amused smile on her familiar face, her eyes looking as if set on something far away from him, but he didn’t care. It was the face he had waited years to put a name to. The big blue eyes on her face were dazzling to him.

With Mickey’s usual joking attitude, he felt the urge to say something witty, but restrained it. He knew the girl’s personality, even if he didn’t know her name. Mickey could just tell she was the silent type, the sort of women who didn’t feel the need to fill every silence with pointless small talk. She was his opposite, so he was determined to be more like her, because to him, the term ‘opposites attract’ was a bunch of mumbo jumbo. Only people who had common grounds and could relate would eventually be together, everyone knew that.

So he smiled back at her, flashing a set of brilliantly white teeth, hoping she would be equally dazzled. If she was, she didn’t show it. The girl immediately dropped her gaze, her face almost angry as if Mickey’s actions didn’t please her.

In a disgruntled manner, Mickey lifted his gaze and peered at the elevator door’s awaiting for his exit. Or should it be their exit, Mickey thought, since they did live on the same floor. He pushed the thought aside, trying but not succeeding to focus on other things. Eventually, his curiosity got the better of him, and he asked.

“What’s wrong? Cat’s got your tongue?”

To Mickey’s delight, he was replied with a smile by the girl, as if she were almost bemused in a laughable way.

“That’s what I thought,” Mickey said mostly to himself as he stepped off the elevator when the doors opened.

They walked down the hall together. Mickey kept getting the pull to make her talk. He wanted to hear her voice, because it was a voice he’d spent time trying to imagine. He’d guessed it would be soft or like a ringing of bells.

“Do you speak?” he joked, running a hand through his black curls to prevent it from dangling into his eyes.

The girl laughed, and he caught his breath. “I can,” she said. It wasn’t a manly voice, not at all, but it still wasn’t bells. It had its own independence to it, and that pleased Mickey more than all the possibilities he had conjured up.

“Well,” Mickey said, straining to keep his voice even, “why don’t you?”

The girl smiled, but didn’t look up to see him. Her hands trailed along the wall as if waiting for something, her eyes set for the end of the long corridor. She had a light blush on her cheeks. “No one to talk to,” she said lowly.

“I’m always here, you know, right across the hall. Why don’t you call me sometime? I think I have a pen somewhere…” Mickey began to pat his pockets, seeming to have lost it somewhere at the gym, where he worked.

“No, no,” the nameless girl said quickly. “Just tell me. I can remember.”

Mickey told her his cell phone number, and listened as the girl repeated it to herself. Her fingers still trailed along the walls. When they encountered a small sign outside her door, she took the sign in her hands without looking at it. Her small hands ghosted across the door until finally reaching for the handle.

“It was nice to meet you,” she said uncertainly. “Mickey, isn’t it?”

Mickey nodded urgently, happy to see that she remembered him. “Yes,” he said, when she didn’t respond.

The girl smiled. “You sounded familiar. I’m Christina.”

“Can I call you Chris?” Mickey asked with pleasure to know her name.

Her smile widened. “Most people do.”

“I’ll see you later than,” he hobbled off to his door across the hall, opening the lock with a feverish attitude.

“Later,” she muttered, unlocking her door with minor troubles and leaving without a look back.

It only occurred to him later that there was a reason for Chris’s peculiar attitude and the way her ocean-like blue eyes never seemed to focus. Like Mickey was in the dark, Chris’s eyes were sightless, but it didn’t change anything.

That's all I have so far. I just wrote it last night. It was only my second time writing in third person and I wanted to know if it sounded, I don't know, average for a young writer.

I know there was a lot, and I'm sorry for that, but I like to write :)

I own everything. There is no stealing.

4 Answers

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  • 9 years ago
    Best Answer

    Hey I really like this. I'd say it's definitely above average from what most teenage writers put here, so definitely keep doing what your doing. You've created interesting characters and this has some nice tension, so very nice job.

    My main critique with this is a small one. All it needs is to be edited down. For instance, no need to try for suspense in the beginning, simply say they're on an elevator. Then it would be 'he could see' her tattoos. Keep it in his perspective. Apartment elevators don't have music (at least none I've ever been in, offices do so I was imagining that at first). I'm not sure what you mean by his wanting to be like her, so either expand on that or simply edit out.

    You could also simply say 'her big blue eyes' and edit out 'on her face' since that's obvious. It might be a style thing, but I think it would be great to keep it third person limited - in his experience. So he wouldn't be able to see his teeth, but I'm only suggesting that because I'm more interested in him at this point than I am with her. Here's an easy way to edit this sentence, 'To Mickey’s delight, she smiled in a bemused way.' The minimum words used to explain what's happening, the better.

    Really all you need to do is go through and edit like that and you'll be on your way. Really impressive job so far and I mean that. You've got talent and I rarely say that to anyone here. Good luck! *editing in* Lulu's a site to self publish, so don't use it unless you want to give up chances of being published legitimately.

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    It's good in that your grammar is mostly correct -- a rare sight here in B&A, I'm afraid. But hats off to you.

    What's less good is that you haven't yet entirely grasped the 'flow' of writing, and as a result many of your phrases and sentences sound stilted and pointless. For example:

    "They were in a small confined place, the elevator to be precise."

    There are several problems with this:

    1) The grammar is subtly off. The comma should really be a dash.

    2) If a place is confined, it is automatically small. You can't have a confined large place, can you? "Confined" tends to mean "not spacious", so...

    3) Is an elevator really a "space"?

    4) It is not necessary -- in fact it's a bad habit -- to stick adjectives in front of as many words as possible solely for the sake of it. Use them only when necessary, or they begin to lose their effect.

    5) The first part of the sentence is superfluous anyway. Once you tell us it's an elevator, most readers will realise: "Oh! An elevator. I have a picture in my head of what an elevator looks like. It is a small, confined space." The only reason you would ever say the first clause of the sentence is if you were deliberately witholding their location to reveal it later -- but not in the same sentence. It's clumsy and bad form.

    That's just an example, but it's typical of the rest of the text. Another example: "Michael asked with pleasure to know her name" -- I'm sorry, but that sounds awful.

    DO NOT BE DISCOURAGE BY WHAT I'VE WRITTEN HERE. I only began writing about a year ago (30th December 2009) and my writing was much worse than yours (minus the grammatical mistakes, because I'm something of a grammar nerd). Now I'm 25,000 words into a novel, and several of my (usually honest) friends tell me they wouldn't be surprised to read that as a published book. So basically, all you have to do is keep at it. Your writing will massively improve with experience. Also, it helps to do what you're doing -- i.e. asking for feedback online. Another good thing to do would be to get some friends to look over your writing and tell you what they think... but tell them to be honest, or it's pointless. Even then, they might tend to be fairly generous with their praise (as I suspect my friends are with me).

    Good luck and keep at it!

    Source(s): 15-year-old writer
  • 9 years ago

    That is AWESOME! You should check out some writing sites or groups near where you live. Enter some contests if you want, but usually the contest you submit it to owns all rights to the story after you enter. That's a reason not to enter right there. If you want to publish it look up Anne E. Stuart's Writers Market Guide. I'm not sure if that's spelled right. Sorry if it isn't.

  • 9 years ago

    I think it sounds good so far. I would put it on some websites like www.lulu.com. It would help you improve your writing and allow your book to get published!

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