Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsSingles & Dating · 9 years ago

Girls, how'd you feel if a guy....?

Showed you this poem? (I just wrote this), I'd doubt i'd ever show her, but I'd love your opinion.

______________

Sometimes lifes to much. 

Sometimes lifes to little. 

Not at all warm or bright, 

But I'n fact cold and brittle.

My friends I hold close are numbered, 

There leaving one by one 

I'm not allowed to stop them, 

For they've already won, 

A chance to look at life, 

In a hopefully bright way, 

I hope that I can join them, 

If ever comes such a day.

Until then tough I fear, 

It's the same old routine, 

Lifes going no where, 

No "green grass" to be seen.

It's been through worse believe it or not, 

Yea, worse I should say, 

There was that haunting horrible time, 

Oh that unfortunate day. 

All of the things I've been through, 

I've never had Such a curse, 

But the fact I brought it upon others, 

Makes it far much worse.

But things have gotten better,  

I can't believe it's true, 

For you see there's this girl, 

Who makes me feel brand new.

For She is like no other, 

Her eyes blue and bright, 

Her smile brings one to mine, 

And makes me feel just right. 

Her name is of that of Gods. 

Which rambels I'n my mind, 

She seems so nice, she seems so right, 

All of these and good and kind.

I know where not together, 

But the tought of having her near, 

Makes me want to ask her, 

But I'm overruled by fear.

But it's not all bad I must say, 

I feel the need to confess, 

I dream of us together, 

And rid of all this mess.

For why should I mope around, 

And constantly feel unsure? 

For what good is that to anyone? 

Not me, nor her I'm sure. 

So here I go wish me luck, 

I'm off to try my best, 

For this girl is worth the rejection, 

Unlike all the rest,

I hope someday I'll look back, 

By God I hope someday, 

I'll look back at her, 

And then gladly say,

Life was to much, 

Life was to little, 

But now it's warm and bright, 

And not at all cold and brittle.

Update:

Woah, thank you all for your kind words.

The response has been amazing,

Huh, its about her, yet 30+ of you've seen it and she hasn't, how ironic? Haha!

...but I've a feeling she'll see this someday.

Again, thank you all. Much appreciated words.

Update 2:

Copyright © 2011 C.K

91 Answers

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  • bud
    Lv 4
    9 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    I must confess that I began reading with a somewhat cynical view, and your grammar and punctuation needs proofed, which I would do if you want me to. This is really a very delightful poem. Your vulnerability is endearing, and anyone reading it would want you to be successful. Don't be too obscure. The reader doesn't need to have everything spelled out for them, but they do need to feel continuity of the story you are relating. What you do well is the simplicity of your writing.

    There is something called "poetic license," which means that you don't have to follow the rules of poetry, but don't stray too far. Your poem's verses alternate between 4 lines, then 8, etc., then changes toward the end. I would continue the same 4/8 pattern, then your ending with the four lines ties it to the opening verse in style and lines. I can't resist a couple of suggestions.

    When referring to something that is too much or overly so, use "too" instead of "to." Don't put a comma after each line. Read the poem in the sentences that are there rather than in a sing song way. Put your poem away for a day or two, then go back to it. No writer, no matter how famous, writes a perfect poem on a first draft. Don't be afraid to edit. Your writing would flow more smoothly if you had the addressed the number of syllables. For instance, If you wrote

    I hope someday I'll look back,

    By God, I hope someday

    I'll turn around and find her,

    That's when I'll gladly say

    When you read it aloud, can you feel the harmony of your revised verse? Especially important are your first and last verses. Not only should they have a balance of syllables within the verse, but the last verse should mirror the first.

    In the second verse, won and one don't rhyme. Keep writing. Get a book with blank pages or a notebook just for writing. You can write your thoughts just free flowing and go back to that writing later to put it in poetic form. Just keep writing and rewriting until you're satisfied. Nice work. I hope you give it to her. Good luck!

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  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    I thought the poem was beautiful and sweet, and I think that she would be very pleased if you were to give it to her. If you're too embarrassed to read it in person, why not write it down on paper and slip it in one of her most-used books (textbook, current read where the bookmark is located, etc.) or lay it on the desk in her room when you're leaving her house, slip it in her coat pocket when it's hanging up for her to find later (after she's put her coat back on and gone home), etc.~~ Regardless of how you do it, I think you should show this to her. Anyway, you've got talent, and I hope that things turn out well for you!

    There were some spelling/grammar errors, so I fixed some of them and messed with a few sentences just to help out a little. Merely suggestions, by no means am I trying to offend~

    Sometimes life's too much.

    Sometimes life's too little.

    Not at all warm or bright,

    But in fact cold and brittle.

    My friends I hold close are numbered,

    They're leaving one by one

    I'm not allowed to stop them,

    For they've already won...

    A chance to look at life

    In a hopefully bright way,

    I hope that I can join them,

    If ever comes such a day.

    Until then, though, I fear,

    Just the same old routine...

    Life's going no where,

    No "green grass" to be seen.

    I've been through worse believe it or not,

    Yeah, worse I should say,

    There was that haunting horrible time,

    Oh that unfortunate day.

    All of the things I've been through,

    The burdens of a curse,

    But the fact I brought it upon others,

    Makes reality far worse.

    But things have gotten better,

    I can't believe it's true,

    For you see there's this girl

    Who makes me feel brand new.

    For She is like no other,

    Her eyes so blue and bright,

    Her smile brings one to mine,

    And makes me feel just right.

    Her name is of the gods,

    Which rambles In my mind, ((rumbles? rambles? Not too sure the word you want... >.<))

    She seems so nice, she seems so right,

    All these plus good and kind.

    I know we're not together,

    But the thought of having her near,

    Makes me want to ask her,

    But I'm overruled by fear.

    But it's not all bad I must say,

    I feel the need to confess,

    I dream of us together,

    And rid of all this mess.

    For why should I mope around,

    And constantly feel unsure?

    For what good is that to anyone?

    Not me, nor her I'm sure.

    So here I go, wish me luck,

    I'm off to try my best...

    For this girl is worth rejection,

    So unlike all the rest.

    I hope someday I'll look back,

    with all my heart I pray...

    that on that day I'll look at her

    And then joyfully say:

    Life was too much,

    Life was too little,

    But now it's warm and bright,

    No longer cold and brittle.

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  • 4 years ago

    When referring to something that is too much or overly so, use "too" instead of "to." Don't put a comma after each line. Read the poem in the sentences that are there rather than in a sing song way. Put your poem away for a day or two, then go back to it. No writer, no matter how famous, writes a perfect poem on a first draft. Don't be afraid to edit. Your writing would flow more smoothly if you had the addressed the number of syllables. For instance, If you wrote

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  • 9 years ago

    You're an amazing poet!! Most girls have the complaint that guys are not sensitive; it's probably the quality we strive to find in guys the most-And you've got a ton!! I think at some point you need to show this to her :D

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  • 4 years ago

    She seems so nice, she seems so right,

    All of these and good and kind.

    I know where not together,

    But the tought of having her near,

    Makes me want to ask her,

    But I'm overruled by fear.

    But it's not all bad I must say,

    I feel the need to confess,

    I dream of us together,

    And rid of all this mess.

    For why should I mope around,

    And constantly feel unsure?

    For what g

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  • 9 years ago

    Heeeey,you answered my question so I thought I'd answer yours...first of all I can't believe you wrote this amazing poem! Reading this gave me goose bumps, 'she' is an extremely lucky girl. If you don't show this poem to her it will be such a waste. All the best in life and love, you are a very talented man :)

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  • 9 years ago

    WOW. I like it a lot, and I hate showing my emotions or discussing my feelings but I think that this would make me cry... a lot. It's just so cute... but have you ever thought to maybe learn the guitar (unless you already do) and turn this into a song?? I think this would be beautiful and girls love being sang to, even if you're horrible. But that's just a suggestion.

    But even just as a poem, it's lovely :)

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  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    THIS IS ABSOLUTLY AMAZING! You should show her this. Maybe it'll get you some brownie points. If i was that girl, I'd totally fall into your arms.

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  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    That is probably the sweetest thing any guy could ever do is write a poem for a girl, because it comes from the heart. Plus, it's REALLY good.

    I say show her!

    Just make it a little shorter? Cuz some girls might be like "damn, somebody has a lot of time on their hands" or something like that, ya know?

    Gooooood luck (:

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  • 9 years ago

    Most definitely show her tht. U will get her, its really sweet. And I also know this bc this is part of how I got my girl bc I'm so sweet. So show her, and the rejection part... i totally understand... my current girlfriend, I asked her 4 times before she actually answered... just do it at the right time and it'll work out. Wish u luck.

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