Should I stay in my marriage?
Married for 7 years together for 16 years and for the past 7 years our relationship has been everything but a marriage. Im getting tired. We have a one child that's nine yrs old. Im starting to feel like I've wasted so much time. There's nothing we havent been through and yet with all that has been done Im tired disgusted turned off, but still dont know if its right to end this marriage. Over the yrs I have been physically abused mostly hair pulling, shoved, kicked in my legs. We dont have normal agruments, he has a short fuse, Hes disrepected me infront of our child verbally, by child hears him say things like Im a bum *****, Im a Cu__*, just really alot he hears us fight all the time but he so into his dad that he ignores it as if hes just use to it. He kind of turns my son sometimes on me and makes me look like bad cop. I have strick rules with our son as far as homework very into his school bedtime etc he if hes in one of his moods with me to get back at me he overrules what i say and my son gets his way. Ive been embarassed infront of strangers, family and friends. We gone through 2 major seperations and I always let him back in. Everything will be great for a few months and the minute something dont go his way thats it back at square 1. Ive narrowed it down to his past his childhood and i get it, he has severe anger issues, and hes a kid in a grown mans body, when he doesnt get his way in anything the child comes out. I told him try counseling etc he laughs at that like i dont have a problem you do. Yeah you think.! Anywho theres been alot of infedility ive been through a lot with other women. Ive tried so many times to leave but i really dont have the strength, when i do try i wake up the next morning with anxiety i start panicking, & thats a horrible feeling so im so scared of feeling like that i give in. Its been so many years hes all I know, i listen to other relationship stories from friend, family and i think oh i dont have it that bad, but every relationship has its own problems. Well today right now what im feeling is disgust, im getting older, im tired, im drained, my health isnt that great, hes very sexually active & i just cant keep up besides im not even physically attracted to hom anymore and i guess thats because of all ive been through. He doesnt work, he hustles here and there to get things paid, im currently on disabilty cause of bone issues with pain, if i deny him sex thats when the devil comes out he has not respect for how i feel, i could be dying if he wants it and i say no its growns for DRAMA...until i give in. Im the one who does everything at home, if i dont cook no one will eat, i wash clothes cause he will let it pile up beyond, i have to do food shopping he will only go to the store or out shopping if it benefits him, i have to clean the house, take care of our child, get him up and ready for school, take care of homework, bathtime, sports practice he doesnt even take him to sports all me,, haircuts i have to do that, i could go on and on again all me. Holidays come and go cant remeber getting gifts i dont know how it feels to open gifts anymore. Dinner haha thats a joke unless hes feeling it. I have never been on a vacation with him in 161/2 yrs. I just really dont know what to do anymore some other post from another site say work it out find the connection but Really?? Some say why do i stay, or why I stayed so long, took me along time to finally admit im too scared to leave, hes all i know, im scared to be alone..thats the truth. I know I dont deserve this i cant help but think is it me maybe i need to change ive tried that too. I dont like changed and starting over is a nightmare. The worst part of it something i know im not confused about is i have to say as much as it hurts Im not in love with him at all, I mean i care if he lives or dies but im so not in love. I dont even know how to love him anymore theres so much hate and anger and disgust. Please after reading this tell me some honest advise im at my breaking point i feel like time is passing me by..:( Thanks
- socal.goldLv 69 years agoFavorite Answer
Don't be afraid of change. Albeit sometimes scary, it is necessary to help us mature and grow as individuals. This man you're married to doesn't love you. We both know what love is and love shouldn't hurt. You are in a toxic relationship. He is never going to change so all you can do is change yourself and your thinking process. Children learn what they live. You need to leave and seek counseling for you and your child. I've been in your shoes. I know it's a scary decision, but trust me when I tell you that you are going to be alright. If you fail to seek counseling you run the risk of hooking up w/ the same type of man or worse. You will and can learn to set boundaries. If you fail to draw the line in the sand, you've basically given the other person your implied consent to disrespect you. That is something that Dear Abby said that will forever be burned in my memory. Know that you are loved and worthy of being loved & respected. You know you deserve better. Remove yourself and your child from this situation, for the state of things is causing irrevocable harm to the child. If I could do it, you can do it. You have a friend in me. Someone who will support you and encourage you even from a distance. You can email me anytime. If nothing else, I have an ear to hear. God grant you wisdom and courage. You deserve sanity & serenity in your life. Peace out!Source(s): me; domestic violence survivor; rape survivor *email@example.com
- 9 years ago
It depends on how you feel. In your message it doesn't say that. It just describes common family problems. Every family has them. There are no perfect husbands just as there are no perfect wifes.
You have been together for 16 years. You know this guy inside and out and you for sure know in what situations you can depend on him. You also have kids together. In your situation I would;ve tryed to work things out with my partner by brining up my needs.
Have you tried talking to him about how yo feel and what do you need to be happy?
Also remember that when talking to a man about something like this you should be very direct and know before hand what is it you want!
If you can not get your needs fulfilled and it is his fault then yes you should move on if you have the strength. Breaking off such a long standing relationship maybe very challenging.
PS: In my opinion, denying sexually active man sex is a bad idea, I plainly explained to my girlfriend that I need sex. If she denies it I will go look for it elsewhere. It is something I need.
- 9 years ago
Nadia LEAVE!!! I'm afraid for you :( after all you have done for him and he has the nerve to physically and emotionally degrade you? No its not right! Would he care if you lived or died? Probably yes cause then he wouldn't eat, or have anyone there to be his SLAVE! I worry for your health and safety, and I know you do too, stop thinking just of how your son adores him and start think how you want to be around living to see your son grow, things are not that great for you and all of the stress hurt and anxiety will continue to lead to serious health problems and and on top of the ones you already have, you won't be able to grow with your son thru life and that is the ultimate hurt! Please love, you're not in love with him, and physically cannot and emotionally cannot do it anymore without causing severe problems for yourself and then in the end who knows :( they have joint custody if you son means that much, leave and grant him that, but please don't stay, no woman deserves to go thru what you are living every day. Please make the right decision for you and your son, not just your son! I hope that helps a tad?
- ?Lv 59 years ago
Only you can change your life no one else. The way, I see it you have two choices. 1. Stay and put up with that crap till you die, which will probably be sooner than you think, because your already dieing inside. or 2. Start Living, leave him, take your son and move on. He hasn't changed in 17 years only gotten worse, and it will continue to get worse. We only have one shot at this life, make the most out of it, be happy, start living girl.
- How do you think about the answers? You can sign in to vote the answer.
- LINDA WLv 49 years ago
You have to find somewhere in your soul the courage to leave him once and for all. I understand it's scary as h-ll. When my own husband died 11 years ago I was as scared as you are right now. I'd never been alone. I had to take it one day at a time until I woke up and realized I WAS making it on my own, and I was proud of my accomplishment.
I know it's the scariest thing you have ever had to do, but you have to do it. Also do it for your son's sake. Sons, more often than not, grow up to be like their fathers. You don't want to raise a son who is disrespectful of women, like his father is.
- ChiliLv 69 years ago
Ok, I stopped reading this novel at "Over the yrs I have been physically abused mostly hair pulling, shoved, kicked in my legs. We dont have normal agruments, he has a short fuse, blah, blah, blah..."
Now, what is your question? I don't get it, did he beat you til you turned stupid or were you always this way? Turn off that computer and pack whatever belongs to you and get the heck outta there. Ugh.
- 9 years ago
I wouldn't stay with him......it's not good for you - and it's not good for your child. You think it may be caused from his childhood, just think what your kid is going to turn out like. GET out and don't look back. If he's physical with you...he's going to be that way with your kid. NO WAY!
- 9 years ago
I stopped at him Kicking your Legs.
If you dont take you and your daughter out of this horrible lifestyle - you are a selfish person. Confide in family & friends, they will help you out.
Normal husbands/boyfriends are NOT like this.
- craig bLv 79 years ago
His Needs - Her Needs" by Willard Harley
get a clue.