Is This A Good Prologue!? 10 Points!?

I was washing my hands in the restroom when the first seven shots were fired, and the first seven students were killed. It’s funny, the little things you remember in a time of disaster. Like for instance, I noticed that the walls of the bathroom were red and the floor was an off white color of tile. Suddenly, the things that always go unnoticed become key opportunities for survival. In the stalls, cuss words were engraved with tacks and gone over with black-ink pens. Explicit pictures were drawn of girls from the school. Now I know that none of this really matters it’s just that I am trying to not leave out any details of the day that changed the course of my life forever.

I can remember turning off the water and hearing a scream, but I thought nothing of it. After all, I did think that everything was fine at the moment. I pressed the button to turn on the automatic hand dryer. Three more shots were fired across the school. Next, I would soon learn from a survivor, the killer made his way across the courtyard. Along the way, he would shoot a couple hugging before homeroom. After that, he would make his way to Mrs. AppleBaum’s room and shoot her in the back off the head while she was writing on the chalk board.

Students ran, terrified. Books and papers were thrown on the ground and trampled over as more and more students ran to an exit door. While some kids ran for their lives, some kids lost their lives. Kids like Philip Abrams, a freshman in a wheelchair who had suffered from a fatal spinal injury when he was six years old in a car wreck, whose wheelchair was accidentally pushed down the stairs by a group of students running for the doors. Poor Philip didn’t stand a chance when the shooter saw him lying and screaming for help at the bottom of the stairs. Poor Philip didn’t stand a chance when he was shot.

I look back on it now and think of how stupid I was. I could have helped Philip Abrams, or Beatrice Jenkins (a girl who was shot while drinking at the water fountain), or the couple who were hugging before they were killed. But, I also do realize how lucky I was. Lucky enough to enter the bathroom 2 minutes before the school fell into absolute catastrophe. Two minutes saved my life. Two minutes could have cost me my life. Two minutes is why I tell you this story.

Is it good?

Update:

the character is writing the story many years after the shooting happened. He had heard other peoples recounts of what had happened. Also, some of the people that he meets later on in the school (when they are trapped by the shooter) tell him whose dead and who made it out alive.

Update 2:

haha no it's not true. But I have read a lot about real school shooting so I want to tackle all the characters emotions. The story will change point of views in almost every chapter. And I also want to do a scene where the police tell the shooters mom that he is the one that killed the students.

7 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    9 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    In the third sentence it could flow a little better. I would recommend something like "For instance, the bathroom walls were red (maybe some better word choice? Like crimson or blood red?) and the tiled flooring was an off white(sort of cream colored?)." In the fifth sentence, "All over the stalls cuss (curse?) words were engraved with tacks (various sharp instruments?) and gone over (traced?) with black ink pen (Sharpie?)." Sixth sentence: "Explicit (crude?) pictures (drawings?) were drawn of girls from the school (of girls who attended the school marred the walls?). Seventh sentence, "Now I know (I am aware?) that none of this really matters, it's just that I am trying to not leave out any details of the day (but I'd rather not dismiss any details regarding the day?) that changed the course of my life forever." Okay I don' have any more time, but please contact me if you have any questions. I am an aspiring writer myself and love to discuss things like this.

    And I'm sorry, I totally just rewrote like half of your prologue, but I love descriptive words :D

    Oh, by the way, it is a great prologue, it just needs better flow, or sentence fluency. It actually makes me want to read this whatever it is (book? short story?) because the suspense of it intrigued me. Hope I helped!

    Source(s): my brain :)
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  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    Its not bad. It is really full of suspense. But you just need to watch the names. They are boring and they don't flow together. Also, watch how you word things and put more detail into it. And it was also hard to read. Just next time, put it into several paragraphs.

    I like how the main character is just acting as if everything is fine when the school is pretty much falling apart. I think it adds to the story somehow. I don't really know, i just like it.

    Just keep working at it. It may turn out to be really good.

    Source(s): me.
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  • 9 years ago

    Definitely! its very suspenseful, and i really want to read more... Very... graphic too. I just have to wonder, how did the character know about the shootings so detailed if he/she was in the bathroom? great job...

    Source(s): My opinion
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  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    that was amazing! so suspenseful and dramatic! i hope this isn't a true story though, that's sad :( poor Beatrice, Philip and lover couple <3

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  • 9 years ago

    change "cuss" to swear and because it's a prologue make it more vague and undescriptive so people will want to read more and understand more about what's happening

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  • 9 years ago

    Grabbed my attention and kept it till the end, I want to read more.

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  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    Its perfect.

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