I've never felt this down in my life. ( 18 year old male)?

I've never felt this down in my life.18 year old male.?

Well I am an 18 year old lad and I've never felt so down in my life. I am in my final year of school and i'm failing almost everything. I know I need to study its just the way my head is messed up I can't

My problems started of when I was young I was bullied first in my first year of school when I was 4 by kids who were a lot taller than me and I made no friends really because I never really got the chance to make friends from the beginning. Then it was in to primary school for six years and they were okay. I made a few friends but was still bullied by a certain amount of people.

Then I went into secondary school and it was bad from the start I was bullied because I was ugly small and stupid. I was told that I was a waste of space by so many people. I was punched and kicked and I was made feel like crap in the first few weeks of secondary school. I still one day when I said enough is enough so I went to the school bullying teacher and reported it. I remember going home that night thinking everything was going to be ok but it wasn't. The whole class began to turn on me saying that I was a RAT. The guy that bullied me got me one day with a group of friends and he pissed on me and on all my books and bag. He then forced me to lick it.

I then was bullied for nearly all the years during secondary school. About my sexuality.(explain at end). I've lost what every friends I had and I am totally alone.

When I was aged between the ages of 12 and 14 and a half my brother who was 10 years older than my sexually and physically abused me.

He used to touch my penis and but and spank me. He used to masterbate me sometimes and he used pinch me and hit me. He used also put my hand down his pants and make me do stuff to him. He told me that if I told anybody I wouldn't be believed. During this time he banned me from seeing the friends I had. He sad that they were bad for me. When I got a bit older I noticed that I was attracted to guys and I blame this for the abuse I don't ant to be gay. I've never being kissed or nothing. I am actually afraid of being touched because of what happened to me. Even certain smells reminds me of it. Such as aftershave. Then when I was in secondary school I was bullied by guys who thinks I'm gay. I am always called a ****** and told to burn in hell etc.

Any advice?

7 Answers

  • 9 years ago
    Best Answer

    A few suggestions.

    1)Get into video games. Why? It's a soothing hobby that takes you away & makes you forget. Also gamers make awesome friends; they don't care what you look like & are generally a less shallow & more loyal lot. & if you can't hang out with them in-person, you can communicate with them online in forums or in MMO guilds.

    2)I can sympathise with you on sexual confusion. I wanted to be a housewife with kids (who plays video games half the day), but I'm really not attracted to men unless they look like women. I actually find women really irritating, but they're hot. I'm a serious Germophobe, so I'm still a virgin at 27. It also turns out that denying/restraining your sexuality for years & years can psychologically mess you up. Right now, just settle with "Bisexual" until you get things straightened up.

    Right now, focus on a hobby & potential career. Try making friends in college who are more mature; prefurably the ones who are at least in their mid twenties. Teenagers have issues & take it out on everyone & can't be counted on for stable relationships.

  • Bryan
    Lv 7
    9 years ago

    I believe that your self confidence was severely damaged at an early age. Without that self confidence it made you an easy target for guys to pick on. Unfortunately it was like a shark smelling blood in the water. It attracted more negative attention to you. Your half brother sure did not help you any. He is a child molester and needs professional help. He could be arrested and sent to jail for what he did to you. Since you were under 15 years old, if you were in the USA the legal term is statutory rape. I can relate to your situation since when I was in school I was a loner and sometimes picked on. The difference being I was the second biggest kid in my class so for the most part I was left alone. Plus I always was able to put up a good front showing enough self confidence to deter most of the abuse. You are a far better person than you think. The fact that you may be attracted to guys does not make you a bad person. It is only one part of who you are. Sexual preference does not make anyone "good" or "bad". You have seen a lot of the "bad" and certainly not enough of the "good" in people. I wish I could give you some good advice but your situation is such that I believe I do not have the knowledge or qualifications. You do need help, but it should be from a qualified therapist. Either a psychiatrist or psychologist. You have a lot of issues to sort out and you need to talk them out with someone that knows what they are doing. I wish you the best life has to offer.

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    You can't "turn gay" from being touched or even masturbated by another male. If you're gay, that's the way you are. Some wonderful people are gay, so it's a gift. You should have enjoyed the h-jobs while you were getting them. S.ome of the most attractive people are "ugly" and being small can also be attractive to many men

    Stop whining or you'll make a career of it, as it will come to define you even to yourself. Become a yea-sayer, not a nay-sayer.

    You're 18, find a job in a big city far away from where you grew up. Start a new life and enjoy your sexuality. Try Manchester, London, or Brighton.

    Regarding the learning problem: Never hope to learn anything parrot fashion, i.e. by rote. You must think yourself into the situation you are trying to learn about, then proceed step by step with the logic involved. Think it through, then you don't have to memorise a thing, and you'll never forget what you've learnt.

  • Susan
    Lv 4
    4 years ago

    While your past sounded very difficult, at times terrible, I wouldn't go and blame something in yourself for the problem. Being gay isn't an issue, it's the people who bullied and abused you. Please don't consider this an unwanted product of sexual abuse, it is something that gives you the opportunity to love someone (just of the same-sex). It is a bad idea to start internalizing homophobia; as you can't change your orientation, these feelings will lead you to hate yourself indefinitely, while also hating other gays. (Take the example of Chris up there. You wanna be like that?) Your secondary school is almost over. If your grades aren't too bad, you'll be going to college, where everyone is more open-minded (or at least indifferent). Otherwise, at least you'll be free from those douchebags, and even better, freer to choose who you have to hang around. It's almost over, hang in there. (btw Guys, I'm not the Chris that was reported, just an unfortunate coincidence XD)

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  • 9 years ago

    First off, you're brilliant for posting, and for even being able to make sense of what has happened to you. That means you've got the heart and mind to get things going well for you-- because for chrissake, you could use a little improvement in you life right about now!

    You've had an appallingly traumatic and tortured first 18 years of your life, and your whole mood and sense of self is what happens when you put a *decent intelligent human being* thru the wringer like that. "I am actually afraid of being touched because of what happened to me. Even certain smells reminds me of it" is a /textbook/ post-trauma reaction... (And "textbook reaction" doesn't mean you're predictable-- it means that generations of counselors have studied and practiced how to help people out of how these traumas make you feel.)

    I groan at the idea that I'll say something so cliche' as "the hardest thing is to take the first step"... but... it kinda... actually... is. But (and I'm speaking from way too much shared experience here), just /deciding/ that you will do something to make your life better, will convince you that you're better than you thought, and will feel better.


    Do this NOW, not later, but at the actual end of THIS VERY message:

    Regardless of whether you think you might actually hurt yourself, google for and call a local suicide prevention hotline (or, just as well, a national one)-- because they know what to do with deep depressions. Tell them you just posted this message, and read it to them.

    The way they are prepared for dealing with deep depressions is that they know where you should go and who you should see to get over these kinds of traumas. Some of their calls are from people with awful /chemical/ depression, but so many more are from people who've been run over by nightmares of a life and want to know how to turn things right. They know their stuff, "no job too big or too small."

    If you were next door to me, /I/'d know where to go-- I'd probably knock on your window and say to let's go see my doctor, pull out my mobile, and call us a cab.

    But: because you said "lad" and not "guy", I can take a guess that you're about ten timezones away from me, not ten yards, so:

    New window! Hit Google.com!

    Type in the name of your town/city/county/etc, and "suicide hotline", or "crisis hotline", or whatever you feel like calling it. Enter! Scroll, look, click, and *that* is your lucky number to dial! Or if Google has blown a gasket and just wants to sell you truffle oil and ringtones, don't screw around, just call 999, they know how to patch you thru to anyone.

    I hereby beg, dare, and insist that you dial one or other helpful phone number immediately. They're the ones with the best answers to what you asked: "Any advice?" Don't dawdle, there's no reason to spend any /more/ time feeling this awful!

  • 9 years ago

    Something doesn't sound right in this narrative. You feel worse now than you ever did before given all the stuff you wrote about from when you were younger?

    If this is legit and this is how you feel then you need to speak to a Counsellor asap.

    If not legit then you still need to speak with a Counsellor.

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    eww kick their asses in ! i dont do bullies, theyre cowards and not bright enough and have to impress themeselves and show off. Dont let them get on to you. Btw i have been bullied but i stand up to myself, and i make sure i have the last word. ! even if it was the toughest guy in the school they still wont have the last word. Also in my book i think your a quiet lad who will do well in life and they just wont. Face up to them and make sure they have a taste to what theyve got !

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