Weird phenomenon occurring in family conflict?
I am very baffled by an observation I have made many times over, which I wish to find an explanation for scientifically.
There was a family argument between my mother, father, brother, Nan and Granddad etc; which was so severe that the family remained in a state of non-togetherness and non-talkativeness for about 30 months or so.
My Grandmother is getting close to death due to a combination of heart problem and Parkinson's disease, and requested that everyone makes up again; and they did, all but me with one person which is my uncle.
I will not make friends with my uncle, which is because of how he behaves. I do not make friends with bullies.
When I was little, he would be threatening to hit people and smack them constantly; and yell at them extremely loud. He threatened to put my sister's head into a wall when she was about 17, and my mother recons he kept a brick with him for many years to return through someone’s car windscreen because they chucked this brick through his windscreen years ago!
He blackmailed my mother into not wanting to know her because he 'claims' that he did not want to go to my brother's wedding if there is his biological father there (which I think is an excuse to cover against something else).
My mother and I have seen evidence of it; she has been left out by my grandparents on many occasions, when it comes to things like them helping my uncle or my mother.
I do not want to know this man anymore. He is a bully, and I do want to know bullies; I do not mix with these kinds of people. I only want kind and caring people around me.
What I am shocked by is that fact that despite people have been on the receiving end of this abuse, they want to be friends with him, which means that he might do all this again.
What got to me the most of all is when I was a child, the way he was so abusive me, my brother and sister (which makes up about 80% of the reason that I do not want to know him anymore).
The arguments with my family and this wedding etc, it was the last straw.
I have had enough problems with my mother and father in relation to the topic of spanking and threats of using physical force; which has left me in a horrific state in terms of how I feel about it. A suicide attempt in September 2008 occurred where I stopped taking my medication.
However my mother is closer, and my uncle’s abuse was worse.
It has strained my ability to feel attached to my mother, but I felt that I had to sever the relationship with my uncle altogether because of it (because the abuse was worse, and because he is less close to me; that amount to cope with proved too extreme).
But, someone explain to me why...
My brother and sister would want to be friends with him without even considering what happened to them when they were younger? I am confused.
Also, when I talk about this aspect of his behavior and how it affected me when I was little; it is somehow like to everyone else hearing it, somehow not a valid issue like the issues with the blackmail to mother and the arguments about the wedding etc.
I don't get this.
I would tell people about an incident in which he was threatening me and the Christmas tree fell down, when I was about 18. It is like "Oh that, well that's nothing", and the same to the corporal punishment issues. If it is something to me, so clearly is isn't nothing; so why are they surprised by this?
Another reason that I should not know him any more, is because if I do so; he will think that this behavior is OK, and will not learn to stop it. I am protecting other people this way, especially his son!
I want to know why. Is there is a scientific explanation to this freak of human behavior? Why would my family give him immunity in relationship to child abuse, as if this is not a problem, but no immunity to everything else?
My mother even claims that she is surprised that my uncle would do not want to know her, and could not understand why I was on her side when it came to him behaving this way; yet I am not at all surprised he did this, because if he can do what he was doing when I was little, then since this occurrence is consistent with that kind of behavior, what is there to be surprised about?
It is like it never occurred to her, like all this took place in another dimension.
I want someone to tell me if they have an idea what this all means?
- Anonymous9 years agoFavorite Answer
You can not control other people. Not you uncle's behavior nor the rest of your families seemingly inexplicable behavior. What you can do is figure out your best course of action given the situation you are in. You can voice reason at appropriate times but I recommend avoiding conflict [physical altercations]. Often in my own life when I find my self getting too wrapped up in family dynamics, I foresee might happen, I ask myself what I want at the reunion or holiday? What do I hope to gain by going? Often that clarifies the situation and makes the goal attainable. I want to be happy and see everyone have a good time certainly not argue & scream, It helps me sidestep getting into a spat that can arguably have a very predictable outcome. But ever family is different and some houses I would never enter. Discounting of personal experience is rampant.
- armisoLv 43 years ago
Some kids are introduced as much as permit abuse occur and for the reason that it's loved ones and to mention not anything. This is terrible however that is how it used to be. Girls had been raped at younger a while by means of loved ones participants and advised by means of mother to mention not anything. Fear is often the intent, of the police, of the loved ones popularity and of pop killing the SOB. This can be taking place and if nobody tells, it'll occur to extra children. Sometimes kids who're abused develop as much as be little one abusers. There are many sd studies that may be advised and the truly worst circumstances become on TV Life may be very unhappy for a few kids.
- Rena DLv 79 years ago
Some children are brought up to let abuse happen and because it is family and to say nothing. This is awful but that's the way it was. Girls have been raped at young ages by family members and told by mom to say nothing. Fear is probably the reason, of the police, of the family reputation and of dad killing the SOB. This will be happening and if no one tells, it will happen to more kids. Sometimes children who are abused grow up to be child abusers. There are many sd stories that can be told and the real worst cases end up on TV Life is very sad for some children.
- MagsLv 79 years ago
Your grandfather has exercised a privilege as a patriarch to ask that for his sake everyone make their peace within the family. The family members know that this is a dying wish and do not want to cause any additional stress for a man who is in great physical discomfort. Stress is bad for both his heart and his Parkinson's disease.
Other family members are trying to honor your grandfather's wishes. They certainly appreciate your sociopathic uncle. http://www.ehow.com/how_2337343_identify-sociopath...
Your uncle is satisfied that someone else caused his anger and the physical abuse he inflicted. Sign of the sickness. http://www.wisegeek.com/how-is-sociopathy-treated....
Did any adult ever intercede for you or your sister? It is understandable that you feel betrayed not just by your uncle whom you should have been able to trust but by the rest of the family who didn't stop him. You're not just mad at your uncle, you're mad at your mother and your grandmother and at any other family member who knew of his mistreatment of you and did nothing to help. This anger has also led to depression because in many ways depression is anger turned inward.
Your grandfather has asked that you make up with your uncle. You know that your uncle needs to apologize to you. You can make it clear that you will accede to your grandfather's wishes. You will accept your uncle's apology with grace for the sake of your own mental health as well as your grandfather's desire.
Demonstrate that you are a bigger person than your uncle; it gives you control. Otherwise in years to come, your failure to relieve some of your grandfather's pain will come back to haunt you. But by then there will be little you can do to assuage that pain. This family peace can be considered a truce rather than a treaty.