Do you like this Christmas story so far?

So, for school we have to write a story about a surprise gift, and the title has to be "Santa's Surprise" I'm in 7th grade, so can you critique me accordingly? (:

Christmas is right around the corner, which automatically everyone thinks of presents. I am a former student at Buckley High School in Michigan and I'm going to be telling you readers about a surprising Christmas that happened over here, at Buckley. Of course it would only be fair if I remained anonymous.

Christmas carols were playing in the corridor; everyone was in the Christmas spirit, of course for those select few, like for instance-- Duke. Duke was rushing down the corridor nearly dropping his too-heavy textbooks. Duke was had platinum shaggy blond hair, and usually wore sweater vests and his large lensed horn rimmed glasses. Duke was catching his breath when he stopped near his twin brother, Zeke. Zeke was identical to Duke, except without the glasses and they were completely opposite on the inside.

"What happened to you," Zeke starred at his twin. "Late for chess I suppose."

"No, it's the football team," Duke was wheezing. "I hate them.."

The twins heard a locket slam and it was their friends April and Gordon come up to them. Gordon was in a wheel chair, so his life was a bit more complicated than the others.

"Duke," April placed her left hand on Duke's shoulder. "You shouldn't let the football team step all over you like that. You should really ask Santa this year for some courage."

"Yeah, thanks April, 'Santa.'" He mimicked her then a horde of bulky teenagers peeked across the hall with slushies in their hand.

"Come here, nerd!" The one in the middle shouted then splashed their slushie at him, it missed by a heir and splashed on his locker. Duke dashed outside.

"Aren't you going to help your brother?" April eyed Zeke.

"Nah, 'Santa' can help him." Zeke smirked then walked down the hall.

April looked exasperated at Zeke's poor attitude. She then looked at Gordon who was reading in his wheelchair.

"Gordon, guess what I want for Christmas?" She batted her eyelashes.

"Dunno." He closed his book and looked up at her.

"The only thing I want from Santa this year is for you to walk. I already wrote my letter to Santa. Things are going to be crowded in the North Pole, so you should write your letter and send it soon." April smiled.

"April, you do know that there's no such thing as--" He caught her joyful grin. He didn't want to ruin her Christmas. So he instead he closed his mouth.

2 Answers

  • 9 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    It's a good start and just needs a little editing here and there. There are a few little spelling errors, not only heir/hair and 'Duke was had' so just look for little inconsistencies when you put this through another draft. Also 'locker slammed' not locket :)

    My suggestions for editing you can take or leave. First of all, drop the sentences that start with 'I am...' to 'anonymous.' Especially since this story seems to be told in the third person, not first. Although even if it was told in first person (using 'I' a lot), a character should never introduce themselves. Just jump right into the story. I do like the first sentence though and to keep it consistent with the rest of the story, just put it in past tense. "Christmas was right around the corner..." That sets the stage for the rest of the story.

    Hope that makese sense. Also, try reading it aloud to get a feel for how it flows. For instance you don't need to say 'too-heavy' when 'heavy' will do. You also don't need 'lensed' because 'large horn rimmed glasses' is enough. The slushie thing seems a little too close to Glee, so you could challenge yourself and make it something similar but different enough that you're not copying.

    It's a good start, so keep it up and good luck!

  • 9 years ago

    I enjoyed your short story. But I think you misspelled hair - The one in the middle shouted then splashed their slushie at him, it missed by a heir and splashed on his locker.

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