I've never enjoyed having sex with my wife and It led me to an affair. Now I'm stuck and don't know what to do?

I've been with my wife for almost 15 years. She was a virgin when I met her and I was not. I was her first and I did everything I could to make it enjoyable to her. It hurt her but we kept trying and eventually it got somewhat enjoyable to her. Over the first few years of our marriage I talked to her during sex... show more I've been with my wife for almost 15 years. She was a virgin when I met her and I was not. I was her first and I did everything I could to make it enjoyable to her. It hurt her but we kept trying and eventually it got somewhat enjoyable to her. Over the first few years of our marriage I talked to her during sex asking questions and trying to get to know her body better and what makes her feel good. The only conclusion we had was that there is basically only one way she enjoys it. One position that actually works and I've always had to use my hands as well. Sex was always a lot of work for me to ensure she enjoyed it so my pleasure took a back seat. I had to do the same thing every time and I always just felt very frustrated that my desires were never met because if we did it any other way she would get hurt or get cramps and have to stop. Big passion killers.

When we first started having it it had been quite a while for me so i was just enjoying having sex again. But like I said after a few years of the same exact thing I became bored with it. She never initiated sex either. I always had to be the first to initiate it. But if I didn't initiate it for a few months she would ask why we never have sex. I would say why don't you play with me for a change? Why don't you ever make the first move. She would say things like well your the guy.

We used to have oral sex to when we started and now she never wants to do that. She doesnt even like to french kiss. I would say over the past 10 years we may have french kissed 10 or 15 times. When we do she is terrible at it and it just doesn't feel right.

We love eachother very much and other than that and maybe a couple other things about our relationship I would change, there was always plenty of real love for eachother. Even after 8 to 10 years of marraige i could wait to see her when i got home.

But there was always this thing that bothered me (my sexual frustration). My wife was real petite when we met. Nice body cut, nice figure. But over the years she gained weight and really let herself get plump around her belly. Couple this with only getting to have sex one way (which invlolved me always having to hands and a certain position) I became very unattracted to her sexually. Sex would happen maybe once every 4 months. That's when I would initiate it. But I loved her dearly despite this. She was my beautiful little princess as I always called her. And even with the weight she always was very pretty. Beautiful eyes and long pretty black hair.

I would say after about 10 years of marraige we got so busy in life and I began to undergo a lot of stress on the job. I had way to many irons in the fire and I should have quit a lot of things that were stressing me out. Mainly a lot of volunteer work (good cause, but became very draining)

In that volunteer work I met a younger women (15 yrs younger) that took a lot of interest in me. She always complimented me on my looks and stuff and it was very flattering. I've always kept my figure well and really i go overboard with it. I'm very muscular and have a nice set of abs. I guess she liked that. We had to share contact info because we were both involved in this work along with my wife. She began to text me just to talk and I became scared because she was smoking hot. I mean perfect physique and as beautiful as they come. Innocent conversation turned into flirting which eventually turned into physical contact. I began an affair with her and I was so ashamed of myself and what I was doing to my wife but I just got addicted to this girl. I've continued to have a year long affair with her and she is totally honestly in love with me and wants me for ever. We have the most amazing sex I've ever had in my life. She just knows how to get me going every time and after a year it's even more amazing. But she also just has that joy for the spontaneous living that I've always wanted. My wife has always been so conservative and no nonsense. She never does anything crazy.

I admitted to my affair. She got pissed and was up and down with emotions but in the end she wants it to work. I left her and for the last 4 months have been seeing both her and my mistress. But my mistress get's most of the time. I would love to be in love with my wife like I have fallen in love with my mistress, but I'm not sure I can. Every time I try to have sex with my wife it's even worse than before (not enjoyable). If i went back to her and tried to make it work, I feel I'll always look back to my other love and miss her to the point of agony. I've always wanted the relationship with my wife like I've with the other lady, but my wife just isn't built that way. She isn't a sexual person and isn't daring at all. Her body just wasn't made to enjoy normal sex. But i love her. I know the right thing to do is go back to her and stop my cheating but do i do that and f
Update: But love my wife I really do. I know the right thing to do is go back to her and stop my cheating but do i do that and face the rest of my life not enjoying my sex life and missing my mistress. I'm lost. I love 2 people.
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