Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Society & CultureReligion & Spirituality · 9 years ago

LDS and fighting with hubby about when to have kids.?

My husband and I are LDS and we were married in the temple. There is a SUPER strong impact on families. We agreed when we were dating that when we married in June, we would start a family right away. This is what we both wanted. I also didn't want to live in FL anymore. I really wanted to go out west or Tennessee or Colorado...anything with seasons. But when the wedding was a week away, he decided he wanted to wait a year. I was devastated but loved him and couldn't say no to that. Everyone's advice was to wait anyway. But here we are 5 months later and he has said he wants to wait 2-3 years. I am just not okay with that. The birth control is screwing up my body so much. My cycles are not regular and I feel so guilty when I take it. We want a big family and I'm 21, he's 27. We should be having babies and we just aren't. How can I convince him that through prayers, and lots of thought, I know its time to grow our family? He also says he will only sit for the FL bar which means we will be here forever...I hate FL! Help with these issues! He is in Law School with a year and a half left. I am working 2 jobs and going to school full time. I have 2 semesters left for my degree in Child Development. I work 65 hours a week + school + ALL of the housework. I do it all and make straight A's and have gotten 2 raises in the last 4 months. I am accelling at everything. I'm just really depressed because I thought I would have a cute bump and be staying home by now. And I'm still stuck in FL! :( The plan is for me to be a stay at home mom while he works/goes to school. I would give 100% of my time to our children. :)

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  • 9 years ago
    Best Answer

    You may need to study and discuss together "The Family: A Proclamation to the World". It helped me on marriage and family "issues". Also, our Prophets have counseled us numerous times on issues with birth control.

    First Presidency—Heber J. Grant, J. Reuben Clark Jr., David O. McKay stated:

    “By virtue of the authority in us vested as the First Presidency of the Church, we warn our people. . . . “Amongst His earliest commands to Adam and Eve, the Lord said: ‘Multiply and replenish the earth.’ He has repeated that command in our day. He has again revealed in this, the last dispensation, the principle of the eternity of the marriage covenant. . . .

    “The Lord has told us that it is the duty of every husband and wife to obey the command given to Adam to multiply and replenish the earth, so that the legions of choice spirits waiting for their tabernacles of flesh may come here and move forward under God’s great design to become perfect souls, for without these fleshly tabernacles they cannot progress to their God-planned destiny. Thus, every husband and wife should become a father and a mother in Israel to children born under the holy, eternal covenant” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1942, 11–12).

    First Presidency—David O. McKay, Hugh B. Brown, N. Eldon Tanner stated:

    “We seriously regret that there should exist a sentiment or feeling among any members of the Church to curtail the birth of their children. We have been commanded to multiply and replenish the earth that we may have joy and rejoicing in our posterity.

    “Where husband and wife enjoy health and vigor and are free from impurities that would be entailed upon their posterity, it is contrary to the teachings of the Church artificially to curtail or prevent the birth of children. . . .

    “However, we feel that men must be considerate of their wives who bear the greater responsibility not only of bearing children, but of caring for them through childhood. To this end the mother’s health and strength should be conserved and the husband’s consideration for his wife is his first duty, and self control a dominant factor in all their relationships” (letter to stake presidents, bishops, and mission presidents, 14 Apr. 1969).

    Elder Ezra Taft Benson said:

    “The world teaches birth control. Tragically, many of our sisters subscribe to its pills and practices when they could easily provide earthly tabernacles for more of our Father’s children. We know that every spirit assigned to this earth will come, whether through us or someone else. There are couples in the Church who think they are getting along just fine with their limited families but who will someday suffer the pains of remorse when they meet the spirits that might have been part of their posterity. The first commandment given to man was to multiply and replenish the earth with children. That commandment has never been altered, modified, or cancelled. The Lord did not say to multiply and replenish the earth if it is convenient, or if you are wealthy, or after you have gotten your schooling, or when there is peace on earth, or until you have four children. The Bible says, ‘Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: . . . Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them. . . .’ (Ps. 127:3, 5.) We believe God is glorified by having numerous children and a program of perfection for them. So also will God glorify that husband and wife who have a large posterity and who have tried to raise them up in righteousness” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1969, 12).

    President Gordon B. Hinckley said:

    “I am offended by the sophistry that the only lot of the Latter-day Saint woman is to be barefoot and pregnant. It’s a clever phrase, but it’s false. Of course we believe in children. The Lord has told us to multiply and replenish the earth that we might have joy in our posterity, and there is no greater joy than the joy that comes of happy children in good families.

    But he did not designate the number, nor has the Church. That is a sacred matter left to the couple and the Lord. The official statement of the Church includes this language: ‘Husbands must be considerate of their wives, who have the greater responsibility not only of bearing children but of caring for them through childhood, and should help them conserve their health and strength. Married couples should exercise self-control in all of their relationships. They should seek inspiration from the Lord in meeting their marital challenges and rearing their children according to the teachings of the gospel’ (General Handbook of Instructions [1983], p. 77)” (Cornerstones of a Happy Home, 6).

    Sorry, long answer. But hope this helps.

  • Elsie
    Lv 6
    9 years ago

    I can understand why you are upset. You made a plan before you were married and now your husband changed the plan. I think that is a valid reason to be upset, but sometimes the plan needs to be adjusted. That's just life.

    The important thing is that you make your decisions together. It isn't right for all of the decisions to center around what one partner wants. However, since your husband is going to be the bread winner so you can be a stay at home mom, it seems that your best interest as a couple is to live where he can get the schooling he thinks is best and then later move to where the job that is best for him will be. It's tough, but earning a living and dealing with all of the stuff that goes on in the world is stressful and it makes a huge difference when the husband is happy in his job. Being a stay at home mom is tough too, but we can filter out the world. We live in a bubble basically and can control our environment.

    The conflict about when to begin your family is to me a separate issue. Even though you agreed to begin your family right away, you shouldn't have children until you both feel good about it, otherwise there will be problems in your marriage, but it sounds like both of you need be more flexible about this and you both need to share your feelings without arguing about it, so you can both see where the other is coming from. You do need to address your feelings about him changing the plan on you twice now, because that is an issue of trust.

    If your body is reacting to your birth control, you should probably talk to a doctor about it.

    Since you both have a full schedule, you don't have to be the victim and do all of the house work just because you are the woman, that's silly. If your husband doesn't want you to be a stay at home mom right away, then he needs to help shoulder the domestic load for now. You are making this way too easy for him.

  • 9 years ago

    You need to communicate with him about how his lying is affecting you. Have family scripture study and family prayer and in your prayers with him ask God support you in your decision to start a family.

    Maybe there is something he's not telling you. Perhaps he's afraid to have kids? Maybe he doesn't like kids? I don't know. But whatever the issue is you will never know unless you ask. You may need counseling with the Bishop. These kinds of strains on marriages are what breaks them apart. Do these things quickly before it's too late.

    edit:

    After reading some of these posts I had to add on something. You both decided before you were married you would have kids right away, and then HE pushed it back a year. And then HE pushed it back another 2-3 years. This isn't about you being selfish, it's about HIM being selfish!

    Oh, and my husband and I had our first baby 2 weeks before he started Law School. He also worked part time and just this last year he graduated valedictorian and passed the BAR and was sworn in last night. Having a family while in law school is possible! I will testify to that!

    Source(s): LDS
  • 4 years ago

    First of all you must exhaust all sensible civil avenues for addressing the situation. He is much bigger, and he is older. This is bullying bordering on physical intimidation and assault. My guess is that you know all the proper ways to deal with this situation, so I will not bore you with all of them now. However, I will write that you need to inform a teacher, the principal or a guidance counselor about this problem. Also, your parents must know the details, so that, should the crap hit the fan -- one way or another -- they can deal with the situation with all the knowledge they need. Now, that being said... This guy is bigger and older than you. If he initiates a physical confrontation with you, he is putting all honor and decency aside. I suggest you do the same thing. If he chooses to push you around a little, fine, do nothing. However, if he really gets tough -- starts throwing serious punches, choking you or other -- then pull out all the stops. Kick him in the crotch, elbow him in the windpipe or nose, grab a finger, if you can, and bend it right back. You may not like this rationalization, but if this guy goes for you, you are in the same situation a female is in with a male attacker -- you are dealing with someone who is using his superiority in size and weight to abuse you -- and in such a situation the potential victim should have no qualms about being nasty, under-hand, violent and brutal in his/her attempts to self-protect. If being brutal and under-handed gives you the upper hand, do not at all abuse it, just take that opportunity to get away. Certainly, do not run, but do not make a meal of your having beaten this idiot. And, of course, be aware, that this could all go wrong and you could get a royal thumping. However, it sounds that this is what you would get anyway, so....

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  • YaShen
    Lv 4
    9 years ago

    If he still has a year and a half left, then wait. Who really wants to be raising a newborn while studying for the bar...let him finish and get a stable job...why want him to work and go to school and come home to a wife and newborn that he's too tired to play with...you sound really selfish. Yes, he shouldn't have told you that it would be a year, but he is being realistic. Many people work and go to school while caring for a family, but it's not easy...be a little more patient...you'll get you're cute bump soon...babies are cute but not easy!

  • 9 years ago

    First off, he is your husband, so respect his wishes and decisions. Of course you have a say in it all too, but he is the tie breaker. He is probably concerned about money or that he would like to enjoy you with out kids for a awhile. Kids change things, a lot. They add pressures on a marriage. There is the added financial burden. They need loads of non stop care. Personally, what is the rush? Enjoy each other and ground you relationship first, then have kids.

  • 9 years ago

    It doesn't matter where you live, and the number of children is between you, him and the Lord. Marriage is about compromise. It sounds like you are getting burned out. Clearly communicate your needs to your husband, and pray for guidance from the Holy Ghost. You don't have to be super women, in order to be lovable. It sounds like both you and your husband are perfectionists, who haven't calculated your own human equation. If you want unity, I suggest you both agree to follow whatever the Lord wants. If you are not both sure about what the Lord wants, then I suggest fasting and prayer and a priesthood blessing.

  • 9 years ago

    He's in law school..you have two jobs...how exactly are you going to be able to support the family?

    Law School tuition alone is no joke (my dad, sister, aunt and soon another sister, are lawyers)

    You're 21. That's pretty young. You have a life ahead of you. Wait. It's actually the best solution.

    As far as you not being ok with it. You either accept and respect his feelings and decision or you walk out. You can't pressure your partner based on YOUR wants. That's selfish (and immature really)

    Source(s): Pagan
  • 9 years ago

    I am a single woman but....it is possible that you're ready for kids and he isn't. This is something you need to discuss with him. It sounds to me that he has some reservations about having kids and you need to find out why. Plus he needs to find out why you want kids.

    As for him being a lawyer, you need to talk to him about that as well. I've heard that passing the bar as a lawyer in most states is difficult. It could be that he feels confident that he can pass the Florida bar and that he might not be able to do as well in Tennessee or in Colorado. You really need to talk to him and you really need to resolve your difference and see if you can find common ground.

  • 9 years ago

    I would sit down with him a develop a plan, one that both of you can live with. Don't trick him, he will resent you for awhile but he will resent the kids permanently.

    If the birth control is messing with your bodies balance then find another way. Your health is not worth being condom free.

    Source(s): my opinion
  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    the only important part of your question here is the wanting to move part... why the frick would you want to move some where "that has seasons." its people like you that i hate... you want different seasons, until you have to deal with them every year like the rest of us do and then you realize how much it sux a$$... Here is a little pro tip for you. Snow fu(king sucks... its not this pretty white stuff that falls everywhere north of you that you are so jealous that you do not get... it seriously is like the worst thing ever next to straight up ice storms. Why would you want to move to a place that has to deal with this?

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