Has my four year old daughter been sexually abused?

Okay, this is a very frustrating, confusing, complicated situation. I don't know what to believe. I worry that things I have said or done may have contributed to a false allegation, and I also worry that she is telling the truth. I am going to explain in as much detail as I can what happened:

Last night I caught my daughter lying on her bedroom floor with her pants down. This is the second time I have caught her within the past week in her room lying on her back with her pants down, so this is a new behavior. When I asked her why she was doing it, she said because my boyfriend did it. I asked her a number of questions after that and she basically said that he took off her pants and took off his pants and put his "circle part" on her butt, and when I asked her to point where he put it she pointed at her vagina. I was totally freaking out at this point but I tried to be calm and kept asking questions and she kept answering with a big smile on her face the whole time. She kept changing the story but two things remained constant: that my boyfriend was in her room and the description of his "circle part" located near his butt. She goes back and forth between what he did with the "circle thing" and when asked if it really happened or if she made it up in her head she goes back and forth between these things too, and I don't know if at her age she can really understand that concept plus I don't want her to think that I don't believe in her if it is true by asking over and over if it was all in her head. So the story is constantly changing but those two things about the "circle thing" and him being in her room are consistent. I did check all her clothes and bedding and her private parts for signs of blood, fluid, trauma etc. and found nothing.

What makes me wonder if she is telling the truth is that she had a big smile on her face the whole time, she kept changing her story, and this is all coming soon after I started having conversations with her about her private parts and that only she is allowed to touch them, or Mommy or a Doctor if she is hurt or need help on the toilet, and that if anybody else ever touched her to tell Mommy right away. During these conversations she rattled off names of close relatives who were not allowed to touch her, including the name of my boyfriend of 3 years. She has also unfortunately walked in on us having sexual relations and walked in on movies with sexual scenes, so she has been exposed to sexual behaviors that she should not have been exposed to and I wonder if maybe that exposure plus the conversation about private parts plus the fact that she is four and has been telling numerous tall tales lately has contributed to her making up this elaborate story about my boyfriend. This is a man I love who loves me and my daughter, whom I trusted completely, and we have even talked of marriage and having kids together.

On the other hand, things that make me wonder if this is true is the timing. Just a few days previously she was alone with him while he babysat her because I had to work and her preschool was out for that day. For her to say these things so soon afterward does not seem like it can be a coincidence. She goes back and forth between whether I was home at the time and the clothes she was wearing, but this is a four year old so I doubt her memory would be completely accurate. Also, there is my boyfriends history of strange sexual behaviors and abuse in his family. His father was abusive and he recently confessed that his father molested his sisters, but did not say whether his father molested him. He likes to fantasize about "raping" me during sex which freaks me out at times at makes me wonder how deep rooted this fantasy goes. He is not violent or abusive at all towards me or my daughter and has a niece of the same age who he has not touched, but because of the rape fantasy I wonder if it really is so far fetched that he might do something so horrendous.

I don't know what to think because her taking off her pants could just be normal sexual curiosity, and her curiosity could be peaked because of the conversations we have been having about private parts. She also is at a stage where she makes up all sorts of stories and events and has trouble distinguishing certain stories from reality. She unfortunately may have been witness to scenes which could be described as a male putting his "circle part" on a females private parts, and that could have fueled her fantasy. There is also the fact that this man she is accusing is someone that I believed to have been the love of my life and who I trusted completely. The fact that she still loves and trusts him and does not seem at all traumatized or afraid of him fuels my doubts, but what if I am wrong? What if he really did touch her in an inappropriate way? How can I be certain if she is telling the truth?

12 Answers

  • Carol
    Lv 6
    9 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    i would report this to social services and tell them about your daughter and get them to have a talk with her, this is one option or you could get her to see a child psycologist who would ask her the right questions and woild determine weather or not she is telling the truth, however, 4 year old chidleren dont make up stories like this and i would follow it up someway or another the reason w hy she is changing her story is because she maybe is scared of your boyfriend as the abuser will usually threaten the child so they will be scared to tell the person they trust the most.

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  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    Any allegation of abuse from a child must be taken seriously, even if you think they might be lying. Its not one of those "grey areas".

    I work in Early Childhood Education and this is what we are trained to do:

    1. We tell them we believe them. That is the most important thing.

    2. We tell them that it is NOT their fault. No one, absolutely no one, for whatever reason, should do that to a person.

    3. We NEVER justify the abuser's behaviour. We just contact the appropriate authorities (CPS) and continue to let the child know we are there to support them. We don't belittle, nor do we support, the abuser. We maintain a supportive indifference. We are there for the child.

    Now, just so you know- exposure to sexual material IS considered a form of abuse (in that it effects their minds and emotions), and it could very well be the source of this problem- but don't be afraid to chase this up.

    Contact someone at CPS and tell them what you told us- EVERY DETAIL, including that you've had the private parts talk, and that she has seen some sexual material before.

    Good luck.


    One answerer suggested using a camera and leaving him with the child.

    That is sick and disgusting- an endangerment of her safety, god, thats just wrong.

    If you sense any hint of sexual abuse at all, then the last thing you would do is leave the child alone with the suspet, no matter how distant the liklihood of being an abuser. ALWAYS. TAKE. IT .SERIOUSLY.

    Too many abuse cases go un-noticed because people want to "make sure" or "wait a bit" first. Or they think a child is lying. No, you tell someone right away, even if its just a professional Help Line.

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  • 9 years ago

    WOW! I can only imagine how you may feel. I think:

    1. you should not use your child as "bait" as one person mentioned, because you are allowing it to happen again.

    2. Isn't there a way a doctor could determine if she has been sexually abused. considering, she is only 4 nothing should have gone up their, i think its called your hymen?? Not sure, But if it is broken then you may have another reason to believe she has been sexually abused

    3. LISTEN TO YOUR DAUGHTER.... take it serious and you need to find professional help. Even a therapist that may be able to determine if this is real, or just a myth

    4. yes children lie, and yes they like to make things up, but i think this may be to far to be a lie.

    5. Most sexual offenders are people you trust the most, they are sometimes a victim themselves.


    She doesn't know right from wrong, just because shes smiling doesn't mean shes lying. Your a great mommy for catching the signs, just DO SOMETHING A BOUT IT! I KNOW YOU WILL!!!

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  • 4 years ago

    This must be devastating for you. No one wants their child to suffer something like this and to have their trust broken in someone they're close to. The best advice I could give you is to not write her reliability off. Yes, she is four and has been exposed to the knowledge of sex while no four year old should even know what that is. However, when people speak about repeated molestations and rapes in their home, in many cases, it continued because the mother refused to believe their child or confront the facts. I don't think you are one of those mothers. While it is possible that this may not have happened, it could have happened. It feels horrible to even think someone you trusted so much could hurt your child, it's much worse to not believe her and for this to happen again. Remember, in the vast majority of rape cases, a person (including children) are violated by those who are close to the family and trusted by them. That's how they gain access to the child. I suggest taking her to a psychologist and to her doctor to check everything. Since she is so young, if she was raped, there may be some signs of trauma upon examination. Don't doubt her because she smiles when she talks about it. I urge you to seek the expertise of professionals.

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  • 9 years ago

    If he did it once, he will do it again.

    get a nanny cam. put it in her room while they are both out of the house. Then go out somewhere, telling him you will be gone for 2 or 3 hours at least (christmas shopping maybe). This lets him know he has a large window of opportunity and if he DID do it will increase the likelihood that he will reoffend.

    If nothing happens, well, then you know.

    I know this seems ridiculous to use your child as bait, but if you want to know one way or another the only way to REALLY know is to catch him in the act.

    If not, then get your daughter to lie down on the floor like she was and call him in to her bedroom and watch for his reaction. Just asking him wouldn't work, you would need to stage the scene so that you can shock him and make him forget to lie.

    Either way, don't do NOTHING. You need to confront your partner about this so that you find out. If you just ignore it your daughter will ask you when she's older why you didn't help her, why you abandoned her.

    Add- She-Geek, she is already on here 'waiting it out' or 'just making sure.' Personally i would go straight to the doctor and psychologists with my child, and would confront the 'offender' with the evidence and accusation. And what's more is i would never leave them alone together again. If my child ever accused my husband of such things i don't think i would stay with them even if it was never proven.

    As it is, this woman is on here wanting MORE proof, MORE evidence, i suggested how she could get it. I didn't figure a 'go to the police you ditsy cow!!!' would get listened to.

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  • 9 years ago

    This is why I keep saying kids don't need to learn that stuff or be anywhere hear that stuff until they are older. I used to work at a daycare and we did have a child in which came to us one morning and struck up a similar story. We were scratching our heads and wondering what to do...until we asked further to the mom. Turns out the mother had educated him the day before about touch and the "incident" was nothing more then an exadurated story because he was mad his mom check to make sure his butt was wiped properly.

    If you want to be sure take her to a physciatrist and have her evaluated.

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  • 9 years ago

    I have to say it, four year olds usually do not make up these types of things. As for her not fearing him it is possible she was not aware this was something bad.

    I would talk to your boyfriend about it and possibly break up with him. Family comes first and with some of the things he said, I would be very concerned...

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  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    take her to the doctor and explain to the doctor whats going on. they would check her and you would be a ble to find out. honestly trust your daughter she is yours and i dont think a4 year old would lie about something like dat

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  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    well i have not heard a 4 year old play around with something like that. i think that shes telling the truth. you should have her checked or something.

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  • 9 years ago

    first of all you have every right to be concerned of y our daughter telling you this, but 4yr olds are at that curiosity stage for sexuality and also tall tales are quite common in that age. i would be totally freaked out if my daughter told me this but you need to trust your gut on this one. maybe yo uneed to bring it up to your boyfriend in a non accusing and non threatening way. just tell you what you said on here. like, "hey babe i think we need to be careful with what my daughter sees on tv when we are watching a movie with a sex scene and we need to make sure we lock our bedroom door when we have sex cause shes concocting up a story of you touching her inappropriately and i think its shes bring influenced by tv or something." then just watch his face and mannerisms and see what they tell you. a mothers intuition when it comes to her child means EVERYTHING. also about his rape fantasy.. that is TOTALLY normal. my husband and i have even role played that hes this sexy intruder and hes there to have his way with me. i have a friend whose husband even barged in their room with a buck knife and cut off her bra and panties. its a normal thing so dont get worked up about that. im sure its nothing but you need to tell him either way.

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