Josa
Lv 6
Josa asked in Family & RelationshipsFamily · 1 decade ago

What to do??? Daughter has new boyfriend and grand kids are unhappy!?

I posted this once already but, want a few more answers to show my daughter. You will, hopefully, understand after you read this. Thanks in advance!

This may be a bit long. However, I will try to keep it as short as possible. My youngest daughter has a live in boyfriend who she just won't take a good hard look at. He walks around 24/7 with the cell phone ear piece in his ear and talks on the phone LOUD outside so everyone will notice him. He signed up for a college course through the V.A. so he could get x amount of dollars over and above all his disability checks and so he could get a new computer. He will contribute to the household but, he's very controlling with his money and hers. He tells me he's the 'main' of the family and he takes care of his family but, he picks and chooses what he will pay for instead of paying 1/2 of everything and the daughter paying 1/2 of everything. He constantly looks over her shoulder to read what she is texting or insists to know who she is talking to on the phone. However, he is very private with his stuff and will ask her to leave the room when he puts his passwords in..but, he has to know hers. He rarely lets her go anywhere alone. He's always thinking she's sneaking off and seeing some man. He jumps right in the middle of my daughter and her girls when there may be a problem and tries to take control. He always says, 'I'm grown". "You have to respect me", "I have accomplishments", "I'm 43 years old and I've been around the world". He does not work and does not want to. He's always in the middle of everything trying to be in control. My daughter feels that since she was a drug addict before (she's been clean18 months) that she doesn't deserve any better. He says she couldn't do better than him. She's afraid she cannot make it on her own. I have tried to bring things to her attention. Especially the way this is affecting her kids. She tells me one thing and does another. She sticks up for him then she hates him. I tried very hard to like him but, he is so transparent I just can't act one way and feel another. He will not have anything to do with me, won't come in the house and will wait outside when he brings my daughter here but, he wants me to send him a thanksgiving dinner tomorrow cause he won't come for dinner. And, he uses my other vehicle. I've talked to him, very nicely, and tried to make him aware of his behavior and how it affects the girls. He just tells me he's grown etc., etc., or that I dont understand. I was understanding when he was still in diapers! So, there's the story pretty much. Now, I want to know if there is anything you can think of, that I haven't, to either make him see how insecure and controlling he is and maybe he could work on it (by the way he just got of a 60 day rehab for his behaviors) or, do something to show my daughter how he has changed all their attitudes (no one smiles etc. much anymore) or, a way to help my grand kids deal with the crazies. Thank you for your help...there are times you can help others and times you just cannot come up with the right thing to help yourself. I've tried everything I know to do. So, I thought I'd let them read your answers to this question. JOSA

7 Answers

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  • C
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    A relationship is about two people working together...like a watch. Every piece and part must work together, or the watch will not work correctly. Your daughter needs to realize that her new boyfriend is NOT helping at all. If he's constantly over her shoulder and listening to her talk, and asking for her passwords, she has every right to know all of his. Honestly, I'd have told that jerk to take a walk off the short side of the plank a LONG time ago. Kids should come first. And I've been in this situation because of a parent dating constant crazy people (not that they knew they were a little off at first) and it's not fun for me or for my parent. You shouldn't put your kids through that. Although things are good on that side of the family (re-married, and <3 my new step-parent,) I will never forget all the anger I had towards my parent because they didn't realize that the person they were dating wasn't a good person.

    I hope no one else goes through this, it's not fun >.< I'm sure you're a great mom and I bet you love love love your kids!! But you need to re-think about this guy! Is he nice to your children when you're not around? Get a hidden camera put in and DON'T TELL HIM. He's not telling YOU everything, and you don't need to tell him if he's not willing to either. Good luck.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    This could be the story of my neices relationship with her boyfriend. Thank god after 3 1/2 years she finally saw the light and ended it. Her mother and the entire family tried to help her get out of the relationship and she just wouldn't. So as a mother there is not a lot you can do except keep giving good strong advice and let her know you will be there for her. My neice now has a new boyfriend and he is a perfect gentleman. One of the things my neice said to my sister was that "it is so easy". She just really didn't understand how a real relationship with mutual respect is supposed to be after the daily fighting and constant bickering.

    From my own experience, your partner is supposed to be your best friend. If you can't count on them to help you no matter what, it is not the right person.

  • 1 decade ago

    Unfortunately, I WAS your daughter some years back. I gave up my control to a controlling man, and almost gave up my life to his violent outburst. An iron skillet will do a great amount of damage. Eight months of coma, and a half a year of rehab, learning to walk and talk again, front teeth gone, my face does not look the same. I was blessed with excellent surgeons. Everything that glitters is not gold. I don't care what little affection he dishes out to you, it will never make up the abuse you are enduring. You are allow your children to be subjected to abuse by watching you go through this. What advise would you tell your children if they were in your situation? I know it is scary to think of being on your own, but think, he is who he is. You can not save him from himself. He is a train wreck waiting to happen, and you are the body tied to the tracks. Mom, to cover what may come, talk with law enforcement to express your concerns. I pray your daughter wakes up, before something serious happens with her or her children. By the way ( to your daughter ), I am 38 years clean, and am dealing with the scares of my abuse even now. I use to think I was not deserving of a good life, YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!! Much Love for You Both

    Source(s): Life
  • 4 years ago

    He sounds like a loopy. merely make valuable your grand little ones comprehend which you're their for them, and that in the event that they experience uneasy they might come to you. regrettably, your daughter probable won't pay attention to your protests, yet you're able to motivate your grandchildren to civilly tell their mum how they experience (without influencing what they say). If he did no longer sound so controlling, and say she'd quickly strengthen bored stiff in it, yet he night no longer permit her leave him. if so, you're able to be a hundred% there to help her.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Hey Josa... that's how I ended up in a wheelchair.. being with someone like that... still not walking after almost 4 years.. hope he doesn't lose his temper and decide to make a bad decision.

    Source(s): personal exp..
  • 1 decade ago

    Didn't read the whole thing, don't have to.

    Your daughter is weak, and will choose a man

    over the people she pushed out of her body.

    Sorry, but that is who she is, sad to say.

    Source(s): Common sense
  • 1 decade ago

    Please explain to her that this kind of controlling is the first step to abuse. When he begins to try to cut her off from family, expect the bruises to come next.

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