Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 9 years ago

WLL YOU EVALUATE MY NEW VERSE?

DARK CLOUDS BENEATH

THE MOON IN CREST

THE SCENT OF BURNING LEAVES MARKS FALL

AND IN THE NIGHT A MIST DISPERSED

UNEARTHLY ETHERS AROUND ALL

THE SNOWDRIFTS DEEP

THE NORTH WIND WRESTS

LINGERING LEAVES INTO DYING SWIRLS

BLOWN FAR FROM PLACES MEN COULD REACH

BY MEANS OF MOTION IN THIS WORLD

A TRACE OF GRIEF

HER TEARS SUPRESSED

SUSPEND HIM IN IMMORTAL ICE

AND HER HEART CAN KNOW NO PEACE

SHE GIVES HER LOVE AS SACRIFICE

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  • 9 years ago
    Best Answer

    All caps is annoying, a sustained, and unneeded shout. The 1st stanza is a muddle: dark clouds, moon in crest (moon in crest?), scent of burning leaves, mist dispersed, unearthly ether(s) -- can you show any of these with specific and concrete language?

    Of course this continues in S2: snowdrifts deep, north wing wrests, lingering leaves, dying swirls, and then the 2 lines that end this "Blown far from places men could reach by means of motion in this world"...doesn't make any sense but may be phrased that way for the sake of rhyme...which is never a good when trying to communicate.

    Then S3: a trace of grief, tears suppressed, immortal ice, her heart, no peace, love as sacrifice -- full on and over-the-top abstraction.

    The problem with this sort of wavery-poetical "sounding" poetry is that it is anti-poetical and nearly anti-literate. Imagine rewriting it with, as mentioned above, specific and concrete language so a reader could touch, taste, smell, "feel" what the speaker/writer is going on about?

    Can you?

    Source(s): Writer
  • 9 years ago

    It’s got grace and weight, and a huge rhythmic pattern (meter with rhythm), yet it is capacious and free, as usual, but I’d suggest:

    S2 lingering, I feel could flow better with ling’ring. S3 L4, perhaps add one beat to it. Just me.

    Not to disparage you in any way for your works are among the greatest treasures of YAP but I’m taking this as an opportunity to learn how to technically critique.

    i come from…

    a distant land

    with wide accent

    distracting if you hear me speak

    the words i choose you oft augment

    with only cheer and boost and lift.

    and snow may drift

    and wind congest

    and the leaves may fail to linger

    you come and hug off my distress,

    my sculptor, rudder and…vulture.

    (your caps dont bother me, I remember you complaining about it being a technical-hardware difficulty?)

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    Love this...it is magical

    To read this in caps was difficult for me because it contradicted the beauty of the write. Too bad Yahoo/Answers does not allow for font choices. I think the poetry section would go ecstatically nuts with such a tool.

  • 9 years ago

    Hi. Lovely poem , vivi and descriptive , it reminds me of a Mother's love.

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  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    L.C.

    I enjoyed this especially the first few lines as they bring to mind a mystical forest of some type. Love the imagery in this.

    Nicely done

  • 9 years ago

    LC, is this the poem inspired by me?

    Cause if it is, then i'm very happy for being an inspiration to this lovely piece,

    Its very well said and meant,

    But thats not choking coming from you...:)

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    Pretty

    Id quit the CAPS.

    Sweet and sensible.

    Have you read Jane Austen? It reminds me of her heroines.

    Peace

    =D

  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    I find your verse to be disjointed and sappy; sorry.

  • 9 years ago

    SO? what your saying is she died??YES..a happy ending

    HOW SWEET.

    BYEEEXXX

    #$@$%^&*#@

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