What do you think of this brief description?

I have replaced the name of the town (just in case) with an x. And yes, it is really brief but please rate it.

X. A beautiful city surrounded by frosted mountains. We get out of the station and head to town. The snowy layers in the ground have been reduced to solid concrete. Trees have lost their white tops and revealed orange patterns in every leaf. The chateaus lack their sudden sigh of steam from their chimneys. This isn't the town I remember.

Update:

@ Scotty:

It means that the snow have falled off the top of the trees. It is summer in the story.

Update 2:

EDIT: NO! I mean that it is summer and the character is remembering the days in which there were snow. Now, there is no snow! OMG! Im laughing!

Update 3:

EDIT: I AM SORRY FOR MY IGNORANCE LOL! I forgot that! I am going to change what I have just wrote here. Thanks! PS: THAT'S WHY WE HAVE EDITORS. :)

2 Answers

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  • 10 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Okay, it sounds like you're describing autumn with the orange leaves, but usually there are no leaves after winter/snow. The trees have no leaves. The orange leaves are under all the snow on the ground, if not dissolved. And spring comes after winter, not summer.

    It might be different where you live or where this story takes place, but make that clear, because I was confused. The way you've described it though, sounds pretty good. "The chateaus lack their sudden sigh of steam from their chimneys" -- this sentence could use some cleaning up. It's awkward with the double "their." Try something like, "The chimneys have lost their sudden sigh of steam." Or something like that.

    Edit: Then why are the leaves orange? Leaves are green in the summer. You're not being very clear.

    Edit: Okay, lol.

  • 10 years ago

    I like it! But what do you mean by "Trees have lost their white tops and revealed orange patterns on every leaf"? Do you mean the snow fell of the tops? and if there's snow, wouldn't most of the leaves on the tree have fallen off? But I really do like the description, great job! Good luck and keep writing :)

    EDIT: OHHH, ok :) snow in summer... I like that

    *facepalm* GAH! I'm sorry, haha, its still early :)

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