Hi Jay, that was incredibly honest of you to write all that. I also was abused as a child and have those thoughts. Not of hurting ppl however but strange ones at best. I suffer from PTSD and I am guessing you do as well. Post Tramatic Stress Disorder is not just about having flash backs or being in a war. As a kid when you were being abused you had to numb some things out or you probably wouldn't have survived. Our brains can only handle so much abuse then they shut off. My guess is that you are a good person who has a hard time being emotional outside of your comfort zone because of the abuse you suffered from. You need therapy. You also need to understand that having these thoughts in no way means you'll act on them. If you ever get the urge to act or start planing these things out. I would say you would need immediate help ie...emergency room, or psych center. But just having the thought itself is in no way saying you are crazy or a killer. And a therapist can explain this better. Why aren't you in therapy? Its really important that you find someone good to talk to about this. Ya know some of the craziest thoughts I have had where so easily explained by my therapist. And that is very important. You can't fight a mental illness or control it untill you are informed about it. You do NOT have bi bolar disorder. Why does everyone and there brother think they are bi polar? You are depressed, and people who are depressed often lose motivation quickly. As far as the diet is concerned, really? You are fortunate you can stick to a damn diet for 3 weeks, most people lose motivation after 3 days!!!! Its like you are trying to reclaiim your life by getting involved in a project or job and then the depression kicks in and you lose focus. Get some therapy, talk it out. You will be fine. Good luck!!
My crazy brain:)