Am I a bad person if I'm terrified my son will be gay?
I just want to first point out that while I admit in high school, I was the typical homophobic jock. But as I grow up, I would like to think, I've changed.
To start, I have never had a great relationship with my dad. My dad is from a time where men where simply defined as "men" and a healthy relationship with a son does not require love. The best way I can describe my relationship with my dad is the one time I truly opened up to him; I told him that I couldn't remember a single time in my entire life he had ever given me a compliment let alone told me he loved me which has created a relationship I feel that every thing he ever does for me (which people like to cite as proof he loves me despite him never saying it) is out of "duty" rather than love. As a result, I didn't know whether or not I loved him myself. His response: he didn't care whether I loved him or not, as long as I respected his authority (as a soldier respects his commander without question). He then got extremely angry as he said he was ashamed I "cried like a woman" (even doing a mocking impression) while I told him all my "feelings" and ordered me to never do it again.
Anyway, that's the relationship I have with my dad. I bring this up is because people have told me that homosexuality, specifically men, can sometimes be rooted in poor relationships they had with their father.
I would be completely okay if my son was gay by choice or nature or whatever but I think if my son told me he was gay, I would always deep down assume it was because at some point, I failed him as a father. Obviously this would ruin our relationship because even though I could care less he was gay, his lifestyle would be like a constant reminder of this failure and I have nothing to blame but myself. I see no possible solution other than hoping scientists discover a test that determines the root of someone's homosexuality (what I mean is if my son was gay, the only way for me not to blame myself was to have proof that it was not a result of my failure as a father).
I see my son telling me I was gay. Me trying to accept it but me blaming myself which would obviously somehow manifest itself negatively. My son would then hate me for because he thought I was just a bigot and I of course would resent it and our relationship would be no better than the one I have with my dad.
I find myself unable to be in any serious relationship for fear it might lead to marriage and a son so this is obviously an issue that I can't ignore for much longer. Am I a bad person? How can I get over this?
(Also, I just want to apologize if anything I said offended anyone).